


Good Enough

by KallutoZoldyck



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Eventual Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Grooming, Healing, Killugon - Freeform, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, hxh - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:34:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 50,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26982955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KallutoZoldyck/pseuds/KallutoZoldyck
Summary: It's been four years since Gon and Killua separated at the world tree. Its been two years since Killua cut off communication. Trying to become a different, and better person than the destructive, impulsive child that he once was, Gon sets out to find his best friend and help him with his mission to escape from his family while protecting his sisters. Healing is important if things are going to work out, after all, when one apologizes, one must make sure the mistake is never repeated again. MAJOR SPOILERS FOR S5 S6 OF HXH. Slightly sad and dealing with past hurts, but eventually happy :)
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 60
Kudos: 113





	1. The Missing Moon

**Author's Note:**

> Hello ! Thank you for giving this fic a chance, I haven't written in a couple of years so I'm a bit rusty. Hope you'll enjoy :) Please do tell me if there's any TW's that I missed! I'll keep adding on as chapters continue if need be :)

The stars looked different now. It was funny how his entire childhood he had stared every night to the dark sky, wishing for something, though he didn’t know what. Watching the stars move across the sky with the seasons. Watching the moon fade away and grow back with every passing month.

Now, he had to admit that the stars were no longer held his attention as they had before. Nor did he go outside to see them every night. It was now the full moon he loved most. Although many nights he couldn’t face the night sky and stars, the scene too painful to face alone, in all these years he had never missed the full moon. Not once. It was the closest he ever felt to him. When the full moon cast its shine over the island and everything could be seen, he too felt seen. It felt silly, to think that his silver-haired boy could somehow see him under the moonlight that couldn’t compare to him, not really. The best it could do was to try to replicate his light. He forgave the moon. It was tough to compete, unfair really, because Killua Zoldyck could always outshine everything and everyone. 

He liked to imagine that Killua also watched the stars. Remembered him as he did, rarely out of his mind. It brought him comfort somewhat. Until he remembered that he left.

Now, in his mind Gon knew it wasn’t fair, and he wasn’t mad at Killua, he really wasn’t. He had every right to do as he did, and Gon hoped that should he had been given a second chance, he’d make the same decision. 

But in his mind, it was hard to fight his thoughts of self-hatred. If only he had been in control. If only he had asked for help and gone with Killua as they had planned. If only he had been strong. Mentally and emotionally as well as physically. And still, he had not been strong enough. Not strong enough to go with Ging, though that is not truly where he wanted to go. Not strong enough to go with Killua, nenless as he was, who was probably still being hunted by Illumi. Maybe he was hurt somewhere. Maybe the Zoldycks decided they were too much trouble and got rid of them and Killua and Alluka and Nanika were buried in a chest somewhere under the sea, dark hair mixing with white in the seawater, broken bodies wrapped around each other- No. He had to stop. Those thoughts had been plaguing him, each worse than the last, but for some reason, he couldn’t get that one image out of his mind. 

Ever since he fell asleep thinking about that and had awoken from a nightmare on this same subject, cold sweat making his clothes stick to him, he had refused to go in the ocean. Aunt Mito had pleaded with him to go inside with her, to play or swim with her. How he had loved going in before, but every time those images came back to his mind, he couldn’t force himself to do it, not even for Mito’s sake. Three years after the first time he had this dream and it occasionally still returned with a vengeance, making him want to scream.

But he had changed. Or so he hoped. He was trying, really trying to be better. He had to be better. Not only for himself but for Killua. He had let go of every selfish thought, but him. He couldn’t. His father might be many things, but he was right about this. Killlua was the best detour that could have happened to him. 

Gon had been traveling the world for these past three years, after staying a whole year at Whale island recovering from the war and having to catch up with schoolwork. He worked hard to finish school that year. Doing the next two years on the road online on a laptop he bought with the money they gave him for helping with the mission. He would periodically come back to his home to see if Killua sent him anything through the mail. At first, there had been a constant stream of letters, of him, Alluka and Nanika doing all sorts of amazing things, like finding a sugar rock cave, which had been one of the first of the sights they had gone to, which Killua said brought Alluka to happy tears, not only for the taste, but because Alluka said the sugar crystals refracted light in the most beautiful combinations. There was also Killua taking Alluka to self-defense classes, since he was too afraid to teach her and be too rough. Trying all sorts of food, even giving Alluka light purple highlights in her hair (She made Killua get one purple streak for fun, he tried to seem angry in his letter but he could see the laughter in his eyes with the picture provided). He loved the pictures the most. He knew it was Alluka’s idea, Killua didn’t seem to like them, Zoldyck ‘training’ he supposed. And for this, he would forever be grateful. 

There were only 3 total. Killua with a purple streak in his hair, one of Killua sleeping, looking like a starfish spread all out over his bed, and finally, one of Killua smiling brightly at the camera, with Alluka looking terrified sitting next to him as they rode a Ferris wheel. Gon had no doubt Killua had something to do with Allukas fear that was clearly painted on her face, looking down at something he couldn’t see. Killua had been most likely making the car sway. The mirth in his eyes said enough. This picture brought Gon comfort during his worst moments. Seeing the light in his best friends eyes, the crinkles of happiness that were new to form. Though he knew it was only a snapshot, a moment frozen in time, he had to believe this is how they must always be. That while being pursued, they were still happy and most importantly safe. Together. He had to believe this, otherwise no matter what he promised to himself, he knew he would tear the world apart in his revenge. Or that is what he feared at least. A world without Killua… he couldn’t imagine it. Though even if the worst came to happen, he would continue living, even if all he could picture was a black void of emptiness. Because even if Killua was gone, he would never break this promise, he would never do this to Killua, to end his life over someone else. When he became a star, or a planets moon, he had to know that Gon kept his promise to never do it again. He would take charge and protect Alluka and Nanika. And he’d make those responsible pay.

Despite all this, the letters slowly began coming to an end, until finally the next letter never arrived. 

Gon knew why, but he would be lying if he didn’t admit that he was still sad and a little hurt about it. If he didn't admit that it brought him terror not knowing what was going on. Because as much as he hated to think about it, the last time he believed someone to be safe, they had been dead the whole time, even if Kite later came back. To make matters worse, he doubted Killua’s Hatsu entailed anything like Kite’s crazy slots had. 

The truth was, this wasn't a fun sightseeing trip. Killua was running from Illumi, probably from the whole Zoldyck family. Gon did not doubt Killua’s abilities, but there was only so much he could do. He couldn’t give Alluka and Nanika the life of wonder they deserved while constantly giving away their location. Though Killua never included a return address, he knew that the Zoldycks most likely had ways to figure out at least the general location from an envelope. They were famous for a reason. As such, it was not wise to taunt them by acting as if he could outmaneuver his assassin family so easily. 

So he cherished every letter he had received. Ten in all. Seven had been the first year after their separation. The last three the second year. Two whole years of silence. It was no wonder Gon at times felt the panic crush him so hard, his heart feeling so constricted and his hands so slick with sweat, he felt his world would end since he couldn’t seem to get enough air in his lungs to satisfy his mind. Eventually, he would come to,. He’d feel so drained afterward all he’d want to do is sleep. 

When Gon first came home, it was constant. His panic would drive him to lock himself in his closet in the dark where everything was warm and safe and close. Mito had found him a couple of times, crouched in a ball, holding his head between his legs, his hands tightly pressed to his ears to keep the images and sounds out. He had felt so embarrassed and ashamed, feeling like a caught animal. She never asked, but he saw the worry in her eyes. She didn’t know what happened. No one did, but those in on the mission and a few select others. He had also not told her for fear she would never let him leave again. But she still helped him, whispering soothing things he couldn’t remember later, slowly helping coax him out of that position, to stop squeezing his head. She helped dry his tears, though he couldn’t remember when he had started crying. 

With time things got easier. He still fell into a state of panic, but it was rare. His mind also still disappeared from the world, getting trapped before realizing that someone had been talking to him and were starting to worry at his lack of response. Or Sometimes Mito would see his eyes unfocused staring at a point on the wall for hours before snapping out of it and going to his room. But this too became less common. It was hard to not stay in the past. To beat himself over his actions and what he could’ve done. But he was determined to be better. So he forced himself to go to Aunt Mito when the night terrors became too much. When he wasn't sure where he was or if anything was real, even if he felt weak and breakable. Yet even this got better. Soon no words were needed. Mito would take one look at his eyes and set up the teapot. She sometimes held him as she sobbed into her shirt, terrible noises crawling out of his throat and he had honestly thought he would never allow himself to be like this, much less let someone else see him in this state. That must be progress? Right? Because even though sometimes he felt like everything was too much, he was slowly getting better, even with lapses in his path towards healing.

He could now be vulnerable and open. Whereas before he was trusting towards others outwardly and on a superficial level, he was now learning to be vulnerable with his thoughts and emotions. He now could keep his food down and was starting to eat what was normal for his age. It took him 2 years to eat as much as he did when Killua had first come to visit Whale Island. Gon still had nightmares, but only woke up to the worst ones. At least he could now sleep for the night. For the most part. 

Now he felt ready. He was strong enough to find Killua. Though he had spent the last years traveling to learn as much as he could, become more mature and get stronger, he had not looked for Killua. He couldn’t risk putting them in danger unless he knew he could help. Knew he wouldn't be a burden and could be as close as an equal as he could be. Because as much as he thought he was better than he once was, no one would ever know more about the Zoldycks and how to handle them than a Zoldyck himself, especially the heir. 

He had kept up his training, now he hoped Killua would be proud of his progress, he could probably outrun Killua now. He smiled at the challenge he would have most likely proposed to his best friend should they had remained together. Had Killua been here with him right now. He frowned a little. But things were different. 

No longer would Killua have to worry about him. Think for his safety as well as his own. Put himself last. He wanted Killua to be at his side and no longer behind him. This time he would help. Illumi and the rest of the Zoldycks had gotten away with torturing Killua and his sisters for far too long. Gon didn’t doubt they were having fun, or had some great stories to share, but they couldn’t run forever, not without the Zoldycks catching up. Or hurting them. He quickly shied away from that thought. If nothing else, it was no way to live. It wasn’t how Killua wanted to live. He still remembered on the blimp ride to the Zoldyck mansion when they had gone to rescue Killua when Leorio had admitted that Killua had told Illumi that he just wanted a normal life. He didn’t doubt that’s what Nanika and Alluka wanted as well. At least that’s what he would want if he'd been locked in a room alone for most of his life. He shuddered at the thought. He would ask. Simple. He was up for doing anything, as long it was with them. If they had to run forever, he was ready. If he had to fight the entirety of the Zoldyck family… so be it. He’d find a way. No matter the circumstance, he wanted to be there and repay the many favors he owed Killua. It would never be enough, but he’d be happy to do this for him even if it wasn’t the case. The rest was just an extra incentive. 

Gathering up his thoughts, Gon focused once more on his surroundings. The quiet hum of cicadas, the quiet brightness of the moon and he stood. He gave his last wish, but this time not to the silent stars, but to this glittering moon. For now, he knew what he wanted. He knew what to wish for. The hurt child in him wished to be enough. To be wanted and needed and never abandoned. But the Gon of now wished for healing. He knew Killua didn’t need him to love him. Not that he thought Killua loved him, that was ridiculous. The most he was hoping was that Killua still saw him as a friend, even if he wasn’t the best in his life anymore. And as much as it would hurt, Killua could leave and Gon would be happy if that would make Killua happy. If he had already found new friends, and had enough of them and not enough room in his heart for him, if they were good to him and cared, he could convince himself that it was alright. Even if his heart screamed that it wouldn’t. 

So he continued with his head raised to the moon and his eyes closed. He wished he had changed enough to make up for the shortfalls that had led him to wind up this way. To help protect Alluka and Nanika and give them the life they deserve. To be able to mend things with Killua. He hoped he wasn’t too late. How had his friend changed in the last four years? Had he gotten worse? Better? Did he still doubt himself? Second-guess every step? Was he still embarrassed and unused to showing and receiving love? He hoped not. Soon he would find out.

He’d spend one last night sleeping in the forest of his childhood, on the rock he had last watched stars with his heart. Tomorrow he’d start his search for Killua. 


	2. Yorknew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello once again :) This is an angsty chapter so be warned! Hope y'all like this

Gon had been having a pleasant dream, which was uncommon for the man. It was when he was younger, about 10 or so, and he was helping chop vegetables for dinner. Aunt Mito was there, and Abe too. Killua was also there. Next to Alluka, they were all helping cook, each with their own role. Alluka peeling potatoes, Mito stirring something in a pot, Abe wishing dishes, all while Killua pretended that the onion he was cutting wasn’t making him tear up.

It was normal. Or at least it seemed this way. As if Killua only lived a few miles away and came over often. As if they had grown up together, all three of them. 

The exchange of jests and stories made his heart feel whole and he swore everything glowed.

///

When Gon finally awoke, he groaned, wishing he could go back to sleep and stay in his dream world. But he had things to do. He had his own Killua to find.

Sighing, Gon sat up and ran a hand through this face, rubbing out the sleep from his eyes. He chose to bathe in the lake, in order to prepare for the day. 

He made a light meal of some fish caught in the lake and made sure to catch a few extra. He’d leave some out for Kon and his friends as a final goodbye. After all, he didn’t know when he’d be returning. 

As he’d been planning this for weeks, there was not much left to do. He gathered up his belongings, slinging his backpack on and heading towards his childhood home to check the mail one last time. Nothing. 

Gon made sure to say Goodbye to Aunt Mito and Abe, and Mito gave him a strong hug before he left. She stared at him as if she wanted to memorize his face, as if this was the last time she’d see him. She always did this after his visits, when he’d leave to continue traveling. He didn’t blame her; he must have really scared her with his change after coming back from NGL.

“Bring him back you hear me? Tell him I’m very angry he hasn’t dropped by once to say hello.” Gon was taken aback. He never told Mito where he had been going, nor what he was planning to do. 

“How did you-”

“Hush, you are my child. Even if you won’t tell me much, I can see and notice things” Gon looked at the floor, guilt weighing him down. “One day I hope you’ll tell me, but for now bring him back. It’s nice seeing your old determination back on your face. It looks good on you.” Aunt Mito gave him another tight hug with the watery smile she gave him. He held her tight, prolonging the hug and taking note of her scent, of fresh linens and the sea. He would miss her.

Gon promised to be safe, or as safe as he could be, and set off after the waves of goodbyes and hugs. 

Gon jogged to the pier where he caught a familiar face that brought a smile to his lips. A tan captain, his nose already burnt by the sun. The captain who took him on his way to the hunter exam. 

He was the only one Gon trusted enough. Gon didn’t doubt Illumi was keeping tabs on him, thinking he would directly lead him to Killua. He smiled wider. He would never give him that power. He would much rather leave false leads and dead ends. Innocently of course.

After all, Illumi thought of him as a simpleminded islander. Enough traps to have him waste his time while keeping up his innocent and naive facade. Killua taught him some of the tricks, or at least talked to him about it on many of the nights when they’d stay awake to talk. Sharing stories under the endless sky. 

But now was not the time to think about this. Gon climbed aboard and helped the sailors on their work. He made sure the boat was full, he wanted to get lost in the sea of people. More people meant more eyes. More spies to report on him. But more spies to report how careless of a young man he was.

This is why after the ship set out, Gon found a corner to rest in. He leaned his head back on the wood and began to think about his life, how dangerous his new task was, and how he could find Killua when the Zoldyck’s couldn’t.

Gon thought of his other friends. Zushi, who was now learning how to teach in order to become like Wing. Of Leorio, who had just finished medical school after going on a break and was finally starting his practice. And of Kurapika, the man he hadn’t seen in years, but had still kept his promise of a phone call every two weeks.

///

Gon sat in the armchair, tense and anxious. He started to pick on the treads coming undone from the chair until he remembered this wasn’t his place. He had not seen Kurapika for.. well.. too long. Not since they saw Kurapika sick in bed back in Yorknew. And now he had to wait for him to arrive in this room. 

He had been surprised when he had gotten Kurapika’s text. More than surprised, he was terrified. Since they had not talked for years, he was expecting the worst. Especially out of the blue. But it was only a short sentence. _Meet me where we last saw each other._ Straight to the point. Just like Kurapika.

Now back in this room, it was hard to keep a small smile from forming. He had missed Kurapika so much during these years apart. He had called, sent emails, and texts, all ignored. He had been told that he was part of some top-secret expedition and then doing some type of bodyguard job.

Both of these had been sealed up tight. Gon imagined that it must have been something like the war because he could not find any information anywhere no matter how hard he tried. He only knew what little he did because Kite had told him. Thinking of Kurapika and Leorio going through a similar situation as his own made his body start shaking, but he held it in. Did as Kite taught him. 

One long breath in, held in for 10 seconds, then exhale. Again, and again till the tremors finally ended.

He looked around seeing what had changed. Same deteriorating bricks. Same shabby bed. The couch seemed new. And there was a new wardrobe but that was it. 

Finally, after what seemed like hours, the door finally opened. 

Gon shot up to his feet, running his hands through his hair once to make sure it looked fine. For some reason, he was more nervous to see Kurapika than he had been to meet Ging at the world tree. He realized at that moment how important it was for him to seem presentable and capable in front of his old friend.

What Gon noticed first were his eyes. Sunken in with many sleepless nights and oh so hollow. Kurapika friend looked frail, smaller than Gon remembered. He had lost weight, a frightening amount. An unhealthy amount. This seemed to be in direct contradiction with the tightly controlled power that seemed to be around him. But this did not make a difference to Gon, his appearance said it all. 

Gon felt the smile slowly slip from his face as the two friends stared at each other. Kurapika tried to smile but it looked more like a grimace, surely, he knew exactly how Gon was evaluating him and what he had found as a result. Suddenly the space was too big. They were the closest they had been in years, but now Kurapika seemed so far from him. Almost unreachable.

Without another word, Gon crossed the few steps that still held them apart and enveloped Kurapika in a hug. Strong enough to show everything Gon felt, but not too much as to hurt him.

Gon was surprised to see how much he had grown, Kurapika was now at his shoulders. No longer would he have to stare up at his friend. His heart gave a little twinge of sadness before focusing back on his friend.

After a few moments in which he registered his surprise, Kurapika hugged him back. Gon could feel the tears prickling his eyes, but he refused to cry. It was too early, that could come later. Gon released him and led him to the couch so they could sit comfortably as they caught up. 

“I got taller,” Gon said hopefully, trying to ease away the tension that the years had created.

Kurapika laughed, small and sweet, almost relieved.

“Only by a little, I may catch up yet” a lie. But it took from the air the ugly thing that had been looming over them, and soon they were talking about what had occurred through the years. 

At first it began as happy, with many stories about Gon’s return to school and adventures. With Kurapika sharing stories of how Leorio snores and sings in the shower. But despite how happy they were, their talks were regulated.

Gon mentioned the war as a mission but did not dare dive into details. Kurapika did the same, being vague of what he had been up to at work. Both knew what the other was doing, yet no one mentioned it.

Upon hearing that his mission in NGL had been his last with Killua, Kurapika seemed confused and straightened up. 

“You’re not together? I assumed he had gone out and would return. It was why I only sent you a text, assuming he’d also come.”

Pain went through Gon and he looked down, no longer being able to hold onto Kurapika’s stare. It felt like an accusation, even though he knew it wasn't.

“Killua had to go” He began slowly, trying to figure out how to tell him without revealing too much. “Killua rescued his sisters-”

“Sisters? Killua has sisters?” Kurapika interrupted, sounding shocked.

Gon bit his lips. He couldn’t reveal anything about Nanika. Not even to Kurapika. It wasn't his secret to share. Wasn't his life to put on the line. “Killua has a lot of siblings, but yes, he rescued his younger sisters and has been running from the Zoldycks since. Illumi specifically is who's hunting them down.”

Kurapika sucked in a breath and was silent for a couple of minutes, staring into the faded red bricks. He knew Kurapika remembered Illumi, the terrible brother they met at the hunter exam. He expected Kurapika’s next question, but it still felt it like a slap to the face.

“I get why Killua had to leave, but why aren't you with him? You had been traveling before that, hadn’t you? I don’t understand why his sisters would make you leave?”

Looking once more at the ground, Gon began to mess with the black bar that ran from one end of his ear to his other. 

“I lost my nen.” He felt the shame turning his face a bright scarlet, his ears burning at the intense stare he felt Kurapika giving him. He didn’t want Kurapika to believe it was Nanika and Alluka. Even if he only knew them for a few days, he would never ever dislike them. Never be so selfish as to leave if he could not have Killua for his own. The fact that Kurapika thought this hurt more than he thought it would. If Kurapika thought this, how many others did as well?

He felt the tears pricking at his eyes once more. Where then it had been of happiness, of relief, it was now of anger. Anger at himself. Hatred seemed to course through his veins, and he didn’t doubt it was clear as day for Kurapika to see, which only made it worse.

“Gon look at me” 

He did as he was told, using all of his will to lift his face to meet Kurapikas. He hadn’t realized he had been hunching over. As if by turning away, he could hide from this. Gon wanted to laugh.

“What do you mean you lost your nen.” An order, more than a question as Kurapika searched Gon’s eyes, his face solemn. 

“It wasn’t his sisters. I left because I would have only been a liability. I lost my nen during the mission. Our last mission.” His gaze went down to his hands, where he was twisting them in agitation. He forced himself to stop. To be calm and look at Kurapika again. “I made a nen curse, just as you taught me” 

Kurapikas face was drained of all color. For a moment he thought Kurapika would throw up from how he was looking. 

“Gon, what did you do?” Kurapikas voice was hardly above a whisper, equal parts shaken and horrified.

Gon gave him a bitter smile “Let’s just say I traded my life to defeat an enemy I was in no way, shape, or form able to beat any other way, especially alone” 

“You were alone?” He looked incredulous.

“It was by my own choice” He forced out, shame once more claiming his face. “It's why I was at the hospital. Killua saved me. Again.” He turned his sad look at the concrete floor. 

He knew Kurapika was trying to absorb all the information that had just been trusted upon him. The minutes stretched on, long and tense, as it had been when he had first arrived. 

This is not what Gon had planned. He had planned for this to be a light and fun meeting, full of stories and laughter. He hadn’t meant to twist it with his darkness. 

When Kurapika still hadn’t given a response, Gon spoke up once more. He glared at the floor. He had to ask. If he had already tainted the day, might as well end it with a cherry on top. Besides, Kite had told him that he had to stop keeping his true thoughts and intentions bottled up. 

“Why didn’t you come” Gon hated how his voice cracked and the pain that could be felt in it. Gon knew he was being vague but Kurapika knew what he meant. 

“Why didn’t you come see me? People say I could have died you know? I would have died if Killua hadn’t been there” Hot silent tears streamed down his face and finally he looked at Kurapika. He was even paler than before, a look of guilt and shame on his face, but he didn’t answer. So Gon continued.

Wrapping his arms around himself as a sort of protection he finally released all of the thoughts that had piled and piled on him through time. 

“Was I not important enough? Did you not care? Did I see you as someone who was closer to me than we actually are?” Drawing his knees to his chest, Gon could feel the tears streaming down his face, and he laughed.

“I woke up alone you know, the last thing I remembered was the fight. Then I woke up and I was alone in a white room, and everyone who mattered, the people who meant the most, just… weren’t there.” He was shaking and he knew it, but he couldn’t stop the words from pouring out of him. The more he talked the more it felt like a weight was being lifted off him.

“But that’s not fair, is it? Killua had to leave, probably to hide from his family. Leorio had been advocating the Hunter association for resources to save me. But where were you? Where were you Kurapika? Because you never came. You were gone and even after you never came to visit. I know Leorio told you I was in the hospital. I Don’t know how much he said, but I know that. So please tell me why I wasn’t important enough for you to come.” 

He hated this. Hated himself. How he could no longer speak because the sobs wouldn’t let him. His whole body was working against him and he could hardly breathe. 

He hated how much he needed Kurapika to tell him that he was important. He wanted to matter to someone so much. He didn’t ask for much, he only wanted a couple of people who could love him and care for him. He wanted someone to stay, though he knew why they didn’t. They must sense his true self, his all-consuming darkness, even as he tried his hardest to be his best, most sunny self. Did he even exist if he didn’t matter to a singular person? 

Because Gon knew the truth. He was cared for. Loved even. But all to an extent. At the first opportunity, people chose to leave. There was always something or someone better than him. He tried his best to be worth staying. He just wanted to be someone first choice. No hesitation choose him.

Ging left him for his job. Mito only kept him because Ging was irresponsible and she most likely saw Gon as her duty, even though he was sure she loved him. Yet the point remained that it was forced. Killua left for his sister, which they should go first, but that didn’t keep Gon from writing him down as part of the people who had left. Kite left. The people he met at the docks and got close to left. The women he’d tell stories to and they pet his hair and have him take them places left. Left, left, left. The trend in his life. He should have been used to it by now. But each one still felt like a stab.

Gon didn’t know how much time had passed, but suddenly he felt Kurapika move. It was now him who was hugging Gon. Holding him as if he would disappear forever. Holding him so tight Gon felt his bones might split in two. But he was so surprised, all he could do was try to get some air in his lungs. 

“You matter Gon” Kurapika’s voice came to him, strong and sure. “You only had the misfortune of having a terrible friend.” Voice cracking at the end, Gon noticed that he was crying. Actually crying. Gon had never once seen him cry and it honestly caused him to panic a little. 

“It’s okay Kurapika, it’s been some time, I can handle this. It’ll stop hurting eventually” Gon tried to reassure him, doing his best to twist in his grip to console his friend. 

Kurapika only let him go and held onto his hands, the anger in his eyes making Gon go quiet.

“Do not make light of this. Please Gon, for a few seconds let someone else care for you” Gon could only blink at him, so Kurapika continued. “Leorio mentioned that you were in the hospital, but he never told me of your condition, he only kept telling me to come.”

“During that time I had finished capturing all the eyes of my people and been in a terrible state, I hadn’t been eating nor sleeping, and when I did, I would sleep for too long. Days on end without getting out of bed.” Kurapika made sure to not let his eyes wander, wanting Gon to see in his eyes that what he spoke was the truth.

“Yet all of these are excuses. I thought your condition was not grave. I thought you were in good hands. And you were. But this does not mean that I should have ignored the calls. Even if it hadn’t been as bad as it was.” 

Kurapika held on tighter to his hands, using him as a lifeline. “But understand this. I am a horrible friend, no one can say otherwise. But please Gon, do not think for a second that you don’t mean anything to me.” Both their tears seemed to be nonending, their eyes red from crying so much.

“You mean so much, even if I don’t show it. You have always been hope in my eyes. If something were to have happened to you and I wasn’t there… I could never forgive myself. I can’t even imagine it. I understand why you have felt so hurt and I hate that I was the one to have caused you so much pain. You have every right to be upset with me. To hate me. I would hate me if I were in your position.” Now it was Kurapika who looked down, with so much pain in his eyes that Gon believed him.

He could see Kurapika’s shoulders droop, as if more weight had been added to him and it broke Gon. It broke him because he could see himself in Kurapika and he realized how similar they were. 

“I don’t hate you” Gon managed to get out. He wiped his nose on his sleeve, not having anything else, and not wanting to use the bedsheets. “Kurapika you were going through a terrible situation and I understand that you didn’t have the capability to go see me.”

And surprisingly, this was true. Had he not gone through what he did, Gon would have probably not understood, even if he had tried his best. But how could he hold this against Kurapika if he knew how it felt? How could he request that Kurapika ignore what his body and brain were telling him? To force himself to go see him, especially if he thought that Gon was in no danger?

Because now Gon knew how it felt. To have his bones feel like they each weigh a ton. To have days blend together because he couldn’t get himself to focus. To try to drag himself out of the haziness of his sadness only to seem to fall deeper into it. To the smallest of tasks such as eating and taking showers seeming to be daunting tasks. 

“I don’t hate you” he repeated. “I just wish you would have come to tell me this. I wish you would have come. I was in the dark with only my mind to come up with explanations” 

After this, the two men cried, holding each other. They shared tales, good memories, of both the past and present. They took joy in each other and they promised to keep in contact. A minimum of two weeks was set.

Every two weeks there would be a call where they could talk to each other. So that their friendship would never start fading once more.

Gon only wished he could share this happiness with Killua.


	3. Twin Blades

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW // MILD GORE ??
> 
> Oh wow, this chapter took forever. I didn't expect it to be this long, it was supposed to be a short one but oh well. Hope you enjoy it! Please tell me if you like it >:)

Kite had been a large part of Gon’s road to recovery. There were only so many people who Gon could talk about what had happened at NGL. 

The mission, being covered up by international governments and by the Hunter Association, meant that Gon had to keep his thoughts to himself. The information was too much to risk even sharing with a therapist is what the association told him. So Gon kept his silence.

The first time Gon was able to catch a break from his schooling he traveled to meet Kite. For the month he had lived with Kite on a reservation he owned, in a little cottage Kite had built. Together they had talked through what happened. What still plagued Gon. Kite helped him not break apart, and in return, Gon did the same for Kite. 

Kite couldn’t remember everything from his past life, and he knew he would never be able to recover all his lost memories. He only remembered the ones that had the strongest reaction in him and held the most weight.

It also didn’t help that he no longer looked like himself. Kite hated his new form and Gon tried to help Kite remember that he was who he was in any body the universe decided to place him in. He would always be Kite to Gon. Gon would be the first to correct someone if they misgendered Kite. 

Gon on the other hand couldn’t help the intense rage and sadness directed at himself. He felt as if he was slowly going insane being still, acting as if nothing was wrong. As if Kurapika and Leorio weren’t gone and no one would tell him what happened to them. As if Killua wasn’t being hunted alone. Kite helped him realize that talking it out wasn’t a weakness.

It was hard for Gon. Possibly the hardest lesson of all. To accept that people loved him and wouldn’t run if he let out his dark thoughts. That they wouldn’t think him a monster.

They came up with a system. 

Since their separation, Gon had fashioned the little golden robot Killua had gushed over but refused to accept into a necklace he always kept around his neck. It was both his good luck charm and a promise.

He would give it to Killua when he saw him, and this time he would make sure he took it. No longer could they keep running away from each other. No longer could they continue this trend of zero communication. Even if their conversation ended with Killua deciding to not want him anymore as a friend… then at least they would have still talked. 

It was this robot that Gon now used with Kite. Since he never removed it, except to shower, Kite knew that when Gon left it on the table, Gon wanted to let something out but was too nervous or afraid to ask Kite directly for time to talk. They had decided this in the beginning, and now Kite would immediately start making tea when he saw the little golden robot at the table. 

He would bring their mugs to the couch that was scattered with mismatched blankets and wait until Gon came and sat next to him. Kite would never rush him, and they would sit in silence until finally Gon would be able to bring up what he wanted to let out. 

Kite also taught him how to deal with his more self-destructive tendencies. He taught him to be aware when he was stressed or anxious and notice when he would start to do things such as bite at his nails, pinched himself, or rubbed at his hands till they were raw. Kite taught him to breathe when everything got too much. 

Of course, not everything worked. After all, they were trying to figure out how to heal together. Kite once tried to pull Gon out of his small hiding spot after he had a panic attack and Gon had only gotten worse. Gon later told him that Mito talked to him softly and tried to bring him to the present and Kite learned. Once Kite had also thrown a bucket of cold water on Gon when he was always having a nightmare and had almost gotten stabbed as Gon had lunged at him with the blades he kept near him thinking he was under attack. Gon felt terrible afterward, but Kite told him it was okay, and he should’ve tried something else. 

But not all these trials were complete failures. Kite tried to get him to write about how he felt but Gon couldn’t focus enough to get through more than a handful of sentences. But from this, he learned that what did help was drawing. They weren’t the best, but they helped Gon convey what he couldn’t with words. Kite even got him a small sketchbook to carry with him. 

He’d draw Pitou. Of the blood on his firsts. Of the Phantom Troupe. Of Kurapika’s lifeless eyes. Of a dismembered Kite. Of Illumi. Of Alluka and Nanika. Of Genthru and the hospital. But most of all, Killua. Killua chained and beaten. Killua trying to hide what his parents did to him. Of Killua fighting Rammot. Killua facing Nobunaga. Killua took up so much of his thoughts. Gon was glad Kite said this notebook was private and he’d never have to share because one look would reveal him to the world. 

Gon also helped Kite. Helped him shop for clothes until he was confident enough to do it by himself. Learned how to do his hair, because even though Gon offered to help him chop it off, Kite had refused. He liked it long, but it was still upsetting to see the red strands in his face when he expected white. So Gon took to braiding it, to doing half-do’s, to putting it in knots on his head so it was out of his way. Gon also helped him go through the nightmares. Because they both had that in common. They both still feared Pitou in their dreams even though they knew they were gone. 

Eventually, they even brought in Wing and Zushi to help him train. The three of them taught Gon how to deal with his new nen-less state, teaching him to fight and how to use weapons. It was from them he learned to use his new treasured twin blades Kite gave him. They were simple but precious in Gon’s eyes. The silver shone bright and they started to give Gon back his confidence.

He no longer felt completely defenseless. He knew now how to use his surroundings as an extension of him and to be prepared for anything.

This month helped so much that from then on, every break Gon would go meet up with his past friends to learn anything and everything. From meditation to weapon practice to etiquette (Bisky), Gon passed what he once was and become better. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically.

//

Gon was keeping track of people who looked at him too much or too often. He didn’t doubt there were ones he hadn’t noticed. He would never underestimate Illumi. So far there were about 7 on the boat. More than he expected, but this was a good sign. It meant Killua was out there. Still safe. It meant Illumi must also have a lot of trust in him, or at least his determination in finding Killua.

Gon had already spent the past four months warming up to the crew and the rest of the passengers. They had gotten close as the months went by and they stopped at various towns and cities. They each with their own jobs to do, before reuniting to tell each other of their tales.

Gon had told them how he was looking for some lost ruins because he heard there was a rare type of native plant that grew there that was too dangerous to get to. This plant, the sanadora, was guarded by some type of beast but was said to be a cure-all for a variety of illnesses. This was only a rouse, though the mission was true. Gon made sure to get a mission from the Hunter association so Illumi wouldn’t be suspicious of him going around snooping places. After all, Gon was supposed to be looking up Intel to find these ruins.

It also helped that Gon wasn’t planning on actually following through on the mission, it was only his excuse. Illumi could easily track the mission he accepted through the hunter website. 

As such, he had to act normal. He couldn’t have Illumi’s Needlemen reporting back that Gon was acting strange. Gon generally knew what a Needleman looked like, even though he had never seen one.

Killua had told him of the people with needles sticking out of them that had charged at him and Alluka. But Gon knew that a needle could be concealed. Under hair, under clothes… Gon didn’t doubt that the needles also had many different purposes. Gon doubted the needles could only turn Needleman into an empty husk, that would be too obvious and set people off. And despite what Illumi may think of him, Gon was proud to know that Illumi knew how sensitive he was towards people and how quickly he would catch on. 

But this also meant that more sinister and complex versions of Needleman were out there waiting for him. Gon accepted this challenge. Killua would always be worth it. 

//

Gon had been leaning on the side of the ship for quite some time, acting interested in weaving some pieces of fabric he found in order to pass time. In reality, being so near the ocean caused him his fair share of stress, but it was bearable. He had to remind himself that Illumi had to think nothing was wrong and all was normal. He couldn’t reveal his fears lest they be used against him later on.

But when Gon saw the wisps of White floating in the ocean, he felt his heart stop. Nothing else mattered in that moment and he threw himself down into the dark water, his fear of the ocean gone. It seemed as if his nightmare had come true. Had the captain been paid off by Illumi to go through this route? To have Gon find Killua’s body to break him?

Gon felt the bitter cold reach his bones the moment his body broke through the water. He rushed to the surface as fast as his limbs would allow and begged the saltwater to stop burning his eyes so he could see.

There. 

A white head of hair was poking through the water, the person doing their best to stay afloat, only managing it due to a wooden board they were hanging on. Gon swam over, his breaths coming too fast. He was alive. His movements weak and slow, but alive.

Gon latched onto him with one hand begging them to calm down. Nothing could have prepared Gon for the crushing disappointment of seeing someone else face. The man was young, maybe a year or two older than even him. He was pale, with bright brown eyes full of fear. While Gon wanted to cry, both of relief and frustration at the universe for playing tricks on him like this, he knew there was no time for this. 

Gon now had a mission to finish. He pushed his emotions aside and told the young man to calm down. After telling him everything would be fine if he would only be still for only a few seconds, Gon pulled the makeshift life-raft towards the boat.

Now that he had come back to his senses, he saw that the people on the boat were scrambling on the ship, the Captain screaming orders, sailors trying to slow down the boat, passengers helping throw down ropes for Gon to latch onto. He held back a sigh and closed the distance to the boat. 

Gon finally looked once more to the young man whose gaze he had been avoiding after that first glance. 

“I’m sorry but you’re going to have to hang onto me. I’d ask them to get you your own rope, but I don’t think your body can handle that right now.” 

The stranger looked at him and nodded, lifting his trembling arms to his face to push the white strands out of his face. Gon quickly looked away.

“Thank you.” The Not-Killua said in reply. His voice was raspy and strained from dehydration and from not being used in a while Gon assumed. 

Gon only gave him a small smile before pulling him near and looping the thick rope under his shoes and then under their arms. He held one arm around the stranger as he was so weak Gon was afraid his arms would dislocate if too much pressure was applied, or if the sailors were too rough pulling them up. 

In a few minutes, they were both back on the boat, the saltwater leaving a sticky feel on Gon’s skin. Everyone rushed around them, people congratulating Gon on his bravery and others trying to provide aid to the man they assumed was a shipwreck survivor.

Gon walked away after making sure the man was okay. They were planning on taking him to the infirmary anyways, he was no longer needed.

He went to go change out of his drenched clothes, the whole time thinking of the floating white hair in the sea. How it wasn’t bravery that caused him to jump but fear. A greater fear than any the ocean could give him. The fear of Killua’s death. 

//

Now back in clean clothes, Gon was at the deck, eating some apples he packed into his backpack before leaving Whale Island.

He was thinking of what Aunt Mito would be doing around this time at home. Probably removing the scales from today’s market haul, after all, today was the day when there were discounts on fish products. She would also be washing up the vegetables from their garden for tonight’s dinner, Abe was probably knitting something for him and trying her best to help Mito not worry about him.

Gon was snapped back into the present when he felt a heavy hand land on his back. He tensed up but managed to check his surroundings fast enough to not have more of a reaction than the quick tensing of his shoulders, then quickly relaxing. 

When Gon noticed it was the captain he flashed a smile. The Capitan gave a grunt in response but couldn’t help the smile that formed on his face. 

“Any storm coming our way?”

Gon gave a quiet laugh thinking back many years ago when the captain had asked him the same question. Gon closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and smelling the air, waiting to see what the winds would tell him. After that, he walked to the edge of the boat and checked for the seagulls above, who seemed content to squawk at each other and sit on the masts. 

“No storm this time, but that’s good, I don’t think this group could handle it.”

The captain looked around at those on the deck and quickly agreed, taking a swig out of a flask he took out from his pocket. 

“That’s for sure. If not even those wanna be Hunters could handle it, I don’t know how this group could.”

They both stood starting at the ocean for a few minutes before the Captain spoke up again.

“Did you know that fellow?”

Gon gave him a questioning look before he remembered the man from earlier today.

“Oh no, I just saw him, and I knew he needed help” 

The Captain gave him a look at his half-truth. He knew there was more to it. His guide to the Hunter Exam had never met Killua, but what the Captain had seen on his face must’ve been enough. Enough to know that if Gon didn’t know the man he had saved, then he must’ve confused him with someone else. Someone who would make him leap from such a high drop no questions asked. 

Who else had seen his face? It shouldn’t matter, right? The last time he was on this boat he had also jumped to save someone… but he had also known that Leorio and Kurapika were nearby and would rush out to catch him. No. This still didn’t matter, because these people weren’t there, and this was before he met Killua so Gon doubted Illumi knew this, so he couldn’t play it off as if he was prone to jump in to save people on a regular basis. How many people had seen him? How many were Needleman? 

His mind was already forming plans, running around in circles trying to get himself out of this mess. It was barely the first months of his trip and Gon had already messed up. No matter what, Illumi would put together that Gon had jumped in to save a boy with white hair from the ocean with no hesitation. His face gave him away. Illumi would know how strongly Gon still felt for Killua. That he hadn’t forgotten about him and wasn’t out just traveling for fun. That he loved him.

He couldn’t let them get back to Illumi.

Gon focused back on the Captain, remembering he was still deep into a conversation. 

“I know this isn’t really your style but if you ever get bored or tired of doing Hunter work... Or even if things got too dangerous and needed a place to run to...” At this he gave him an odd look, “I’d accept you on my ship instantly, no questions asked.”

Gon acted like he didn’t know what the captain was insinuating. His little stunt had probably given too much away. “I doubt that’ll happen anytime soon, but I’ll know where to find you when my body no longer works, I’ll still need a ride to see the world.”

The captain gave a full-bellied laugh, a rumbling thing that got others to laugh with him. 

“Boy, by the time you reach that age I don’t think I’ll be alive.” He continued in between chuckles, but Gon caught the glint in his eye and knew that he understood that they were not alone and that he shouldn’t keep asking things that might give him away. 

“Then I’ll take over your ship when that day comes and take her farther than she’s ever been.” Gon smiled, the old feeling of a potential challenge filling him with adrenaline.

“A bold statement… yet one I can imagine you backing up. I guess I’ll be the first to contact you in that case, though I’m not dying yet, nor anytime soon, even if these bones get weaker by the year.”

“Then I’ll wait for your call,” a mischievous smile lit up Gon’s face. 

And with this, the Captain winked at him with one last chuckle and walked away, presumably to yell at the sailors near the mast who had been slacking off for quite some time. 

Gon also took this as his cue to leave and retreated to his room, his final night on the ship giving him a little bit of peace, yet anxiety at what he knew would come next. 

There was a point in his life when there would have been nothing more than he would have wanted except to be months on a boat exploring everything he could, as far as he could. But now, he tied oceans to secrets and things he couldn’t see, couldn’t fix. How many terrors and evil things lurked under there just out of his reach, out of his eyes view? 

They say the queen washed up from the ocean. It was the ocean that was his jailer the first year after his return. It was near the ocean where Gon saw Killua walk away and head towards those ships. It was the ocean that kept him from his loved ones. Now Gon knew the ocean might not be at a complete fault, but it felt nice for there to be something to blame his feelings on, his fear.

Soon, his thoughts blurred together, and the rocking of the boat finally put him to a dreamless sleep. 

//

When Gon finally touched land after months of being out a sea, he took his time to stretch. He felt his muscles loosen up and heard some joints crack. This would be a long day. Just as last night had been a long night. He fought the grimace that wanted to form.

He had been preparing himself mentally over the course of morning for what he had to do. Gon had even refused breakfast knowing it might come back up later. 

Pulling out his Beedle phone, Gon checked the dot on the screen and frowned. Eight. Eight Needleman. He had been wrong. Well… technically right, the last one had been a surprise, so he didn’t really count them. 

He set out at a light jog, getting to know the layout of the town. It was a small mountainous village. Perfect for what he needed to do. Gon had already cut out the town’s cell towers so as to not let the last Needleman get out the information to Illumi. This one would be the hardest. 

Killua had once told Gon that Needleman lost their lives the second the needle was placed in by Illumi. This was because Illumi did not have any care towards others and wanted complete control, something he couldn’t get if he burdened himself with restrictions and did something crazy like let them live. 

That didn’t make things easier. Gon felt sick when he woke up last night an hour after he went to sleep to a silent ship. He turned off his Beetle phone, which had an alarm set up and forced himself out of bed, and started the tiring process of throwing down anchors and closing the masts by himself. 

That night while he’d been at the table eating his apples, he had placed some herbs into the water barrels and made sure everyone had drunk from it. 

It was nothing deadly, only a strong sleeping flower with little to no taste. Walking by every room, every crevice to make sure everyone was accounted for, Gon began the slow but long process of checking everyone. He first started with the people he suspected. He found what he was looking for. A needle, small, but there. One buried in the heel of someone’s foot, another in someone’s scalp. Illumi had make sure to keep the needles hidden. Smart, but not enough. 

After checking his suspects, he checked on the rest, just in case, seven so far. Only two had seen his jumping stunt. More than he wanted, but he’d have to deal with it. 

Gon pursed his lips and took care of the two, slitting their throats with his daggers in one motion. He couldn’t let the information go back to Illumi. He had to remind himself that these people were dead anyway. They were like Kite. Being used as puppets for Illumi’s pleasure and convenience. 

Gon threw up several times that night. He dragged the bodies outside and opened them up, throwing their intestines over the side of the boat, knowing the fish would come up to disappear their innards. 

He took out the stones he had been carrying in his backpack. He had hoped he wouldn’t have a need for them but here he was. 

He filled up the Needlemen as best as he could and roughly sowed them back up, the blood on his hands looking black under the night sky. 

He threw them overboard along with the rest of his rocks. He wouldn’t need them anymore. 

He scrubbed his hands until they were raw despite what Kite had taught him, and he couldn’t help the sobs that came out of him. It brought him to his knees and left him curled on the floor till there were no more tears left to shed. After the sun was starting to show on the horizon, Gon knew he still had much to do and forced himself back on shaky legs.

He couldn’t even drink the water he’d tainted to get the taste of vomit out of his mouth. 

He set out and began to clean up the mess he made, making sure there would be no trace of what he had done. 

After checking everyone, even the captain, which made Gon feel especially guilty, he finally found the eighth one. 

The white-haired boy he found in the makeshift infirmary, just where they had left him. 

Gon couldn’t help but curse the cruelly of the Zoldyck family. Not only did they send a Killua lookalike with his long white hair and pale complexion. They sent him here as a spy. As a test. A test he had failed.

Once again, he hated them for all the things they had done to Killua that he would never tell him about, even if he ever found him again. 

He approached the side of the bed and placed his dagger on the young man’s throat. He looked even younger asleep, with his chest rising and falling with even breaths. He could see how different he was from Killua up close. Of course, they were nothing alike, they were only meant to resemble each other from far away, but still, it was enough to still his blade.

Gon looked at the boy’s crooked nose, healed wrong after a fight he supposed. Up close Gon could also see that his hair was dyed. The brown of his roots was slowly starting to appear. His lips were cracked and his face gaunt from his time at sea. Who had he been before Illumi forced him to do this? How long had he been adrift at sea waiting for Gon’s boat to pass by? It couldn’t have been too long, Gon bought his boat ticket a week ago. 

Had Illumi left the boy stranded as soon as he found out? Just to make sure the survivor act looked real?

The more he stood next to the bed, the less Gon could convince himself to hurt him. Even knowing he was already dead. Knowing it must be of some kindness to let this stranger’s body rest as his soul was. Let someone else’s hand be the one to have to do this. But there was no one else but him.

Gon left the room without a look back and spent the rest of his morning waiting for the rest to wake from their slumber as he stared at the sky, watching the colors change, thinking of what his next steps would be. 

Now? Now Gon snapped back to the present and continued to follow the blue point that was flickering on his screen. Nearing the alleyway where his last target was located, Gon climbed to the roof to see what he was up to first. 

The white-haired Needleman checked his phone again and again, probably frustrated at the lack of signal. 

When the Not-Killua looked up and whistled, Gon ducked, doing his best to not be seen. A falcon came. A falcon that looked very much like the one that Killua had received from Milluki when trying to get information for Greed Island. Now there were more innocent lives he’d have to take. 

When the younger boy released the Falcon with the message strapped onto his leg, Gon wasted no time. 

He rappelled from the roof, throwing the dagger he kept in his boot at the Falcon, and heard the small body drop on the floor with a thump. He then ripped out the twin blades he kept strapped onto his thighs and fell upon the Needleman who was still trying to figure out what was happening. 

He pressured the blades to the younger man’s throat, his mind quickly trying to find a way out. He couldn’t kill him, otherwise Illumi would know. The other two Needleman can be explained but not him. He’s the test. What could he do? How could he get out of this without killing this man?

So consumed he was in his panic and his thoughts he didn’t notice the presence behind him until they spoke up. 

“Gon?”


	4. Running

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :) a little late but it's okay, what has Killua been up to this whole time??? Read to find out >:)
> 
> SUPER THANKS TO THE AMAZING LEMONFROGGY FOR EDITING THIS CHAPTER, THEY MADE IT A MILLION TIMES BETTER BECAUSE I NEED HELP WITH CLARITY
> 
> So if yall can tell the difference between work actually being edited and looked over vs. the other two chapters... you have them to thank :)

Killua Zoldyck startled awake to his thigh bloodied once again. His nails had instinctively come out during his night terror, choosing his leg to be their target for tonight. He groaned, running his hand through his hair as his dream came back to him, and his disorientation from sleep still ever-present, clouding his mind and senses. 

He had dreamt about Illumi. About him doing to Gon all the things he had done to him as a child, only worse. Montages of Illumi trying to dig out information from Gon that he didn’t know. Gon being broken and remade, trying so hard to be brave only to succumb, begging for Killua, pleading for him to come, until he eventually stopped talking entirely. The worst part was seeing the light drained from Gon's eyes, a soulless husk staring back at him, that alone caused him to jolt awake as terror filled his body. 

Thankfully he hadn’t screamed this time.

For a second he didn’t recognize his surroundings and he immediately let his aura flare around him. When had he let it down? He usually slept with it on as a form of protection.

Upon noticing the keys next to him he realized he was in the shabby apartment he had gotten for his sisters and himself the night before and let himself relax, unclenching his jaw and loosening his shoulders. 

There was no use trying to go back to sleep. He knew once those types of dreams came to him, only more would follow. Rubbing his face with a sigh he sat up, deciding to go for a run. At least he’d managed to sleep, if even for a mere hour or two. 

Killua tended to only sleep once every three days. He wanted to keep up with his training so that he wouldn’t get rusty. He couldn’t have the Zoldyck’s lull him into a false sense of security only to discover them. 

He began to think of how the most sleep he’d ever had were those years he spent with Gon. Not only did he feel safe enough to sleep… Gon had helped him when his mind wouldn’t allow him to rest. Killua had acted as though he didn’t know what Gon was doing but he wasn’t stupid and had caught on fast. 

Gon would stay up hours with him, trying his best not to nod off himself, telling Killua stories of his childhood and of the island till Killua’s own eyes began to droop. He’d wake up the next day not remembering at what point he’d fallen asleep. The few times Killua had managed to sleep for two, or sometimes even three days in a row Gon would reward him with the biggest smile. 

It was truly embarrassing to see how happy his sleeping made Gon. He had acted as if Killua had gifted him the moon or something. It was not a big deal, he didn’t really need to sleep more than a minimum of twice a week.

Giving a sad smile to the memories, Killua finished getting up from bed. He made sure to charge up before going for a run, the electricity coursing through his body and giving him a rather painful way to fully awaken. Though he knew to not make a face, even if Alluka was asleep, it still hurt. 

Killua took to glaring at the tips of his fingernails which were now permanently black from the use of his Hatsu. Though he did his best to scrub it away, it never fully came off. 

In the time it took for the electricity to fill him up, Killua absentmindedly played with the ring on his finger. It gleamed with a shining silver, three green gems laid beautifully on top. It was the ring he had received on Greed Island. Killua rarely took it off, and having been with it for so long it had grown into a sort of comfort item. 

Still fiddling with the ring he took this time to think about the last few years and how this definitely was not how he thought his life would go.

//

In Killua’s mind there was a Before Gon and After Gon. That living sunshine of a boy had changed his life in more ways than one.

Before Gon Freecss walked into his life, Killua had thought he was going to become what the Zoldycks expected of him, as much as he hated it. He would be their heir. His only companion would always be death and loneliness.

Even though he had ran away, he had always assumed he would eventually get bored of how easy and boring everything was and he’d return. Either that or his mother would have him dragged back.

But then he met Gon.

Then he thought about many things. Suddenly there were so many possibilities for the future and most of them seemed good.

The craziest of all that he would never again return to the Zoldyck manor. Something that before had been unthinkable.

He had thought he’d help his friend find his dad and figure out what he wanted to be in the meantime. But as more and more time passed Killua realized that he didn’t really care what he did as long as he was with Gon. 

That night on Whale Island when Gon had painted this amazing future of them traveling the world together forever… he would be lying if he didn’t admit that that future sounded extremely appealing. And completely crazy? That Gon would want him not only as a friend, but as his traveling companion for more than just to help in the goal of finding his father? For more than just the present? It was an amazing future that had started to seem more real as time passed.

But then the war happened. 

At first, it was only that Bisky had repeated what Illumi had told him. That his cowardness, his fear that would be the one that would get Gon Killed. 

Then he found the needle. And things slowly started to come back to him. But everything was happening too fast. The palace invasion was happening and he couldn’t help Gon, couldn’t be there for him. There was so much he wanted to say but he could no longer find the strength to bring it up. They were fighting for their lives, and when he finally returned to his friend it was already too late. The curse had been placed, and his friend transformed. 

It was when Gon was hurt, unresponsive, and dying when he had remembered about his darling sisters Alluka and Nanika. How had he forgotten about them? 

Suddenly he found out what he needed to do. What his purpose was.

To save and protect his sisters.

//

Through the years they had been running, their time together had been bittersweet. Killua loved finding out who his sisters had become, even if they were under constant threat from their family.

He learned that Nanika loved the smell of strawberries so Alluka refused to use any other type of shampoo that  _ wasn’t _ strawberry scented. Alluka loved more warm colors such as reds and oranges (but especially pink), while Nanika preferred cool colors, choosing blue as her favorite saying that it reminded her of Killua (He may have teared up a little but no one has any evidence of that so in his mind it doesn’t count).

He also knew that they both hated closed places from being in that room for so long. They got nervous when Killua left them alone for too long and it hurt his heart. Whenever he would return to them after an outing to buy food or scout the area they would leap into his arms in relief and would greet him with excitement and happiness. One thing he never understood was how they could somehow prefer savory snacks over sweets, but Killua ate more than enough sugary treats for the three of them so it was okay.

But he loved seeing them happy. It made everything worth it. The stress, the fear, the constant planning, and moving. But he knew Alluka was getting tired of it even though she did her best to not complain. He saw the way they looked at other kids her age. God, she wasn’t even a kid anymore, he thought to himself. 

But he understood those looks of longing because he had been in her position, wishing so bad for a friend. For a normal life. Despite everything he did, he couldn’t give her that. At least not yet.

He would always be her sibling and they loved him but they wanted a friend who wasn’t their brother. He knew she wanted to go to school and go on lunch breaks with friends. She wanted to go on sleepovers and to the movies. She wanted to be a normal girl. 

And he had tried. The universe knew he had tried. The longest they had ever stayed in place was 3 months. 

Batai, city of swans. 

At that time Killua had decided to try it out. To let her have a glimpse of what life could be like for her. But now he thought it was cruel, to have given her that light only to yank it away at the dead of night whisking them to their next destination. 

Because Killua was a trained assassin. The heir to the Zoldyck family. Strange occurrences had began popping up and by the second person, he began to have his suspicions. He had found a little triangular paper stuck onto the clothing of two different store owners where he would switch off between buying groceries. 

The first time he had pointed it out to them thinking it was just a piece of paper but he saw how it went limp when the person took it off, the manager giving him thanks for pointing it out. The second time, Killua had used Gyo and saw the traces of nen on the paper. He knew.

He knew, even though he had never seen it and didn’t know what it did. 

Kalluto. The youngest Zoldyck. 

Killua did not know they had been teaching him nen. But he knew the power was his. Ilumi dealt with needles. Milluki with technology. But Kalluto, who he knew carried a paper fan on their person at all times. Who he knew his mother taught them to use it as a weapon. Little Kalluto who loved to make paper dolls and animal shapes. It had to be them.

So not only was Illumi after them but so was Kalluto? Did Illumi ask for help? He doubted it. But mother would also not send him out. It had only been two years since they left, Kalluto was nowhere near finishing his training. Then again, he himself had left before finishing his so it wouldn’t be too far out to assume Kalluto had done the same. 

Were they that desperate to bring him back?

He was not going to wait here long enough to find out.

After the paper incident, they had left. Killua always made sure to have their bags nearly ready to go, so it only took a few minutes. That had been one of the only times Alluka has protested leaving. 

She had cried, saying how they couldn’t let the Zoldycks dictate their lives forever. It broke his heart. But as of that moment, he still did not know what to do. How to take out the Zoldycks by himself. He was supposed to be the heir, but even he wasn’t strong enough to take all of them on. He still didn’t even know if he could take down Illumi. 

That was the other thing. Even if he could physically do it, could he muster the strength to end Illumi’s life? To slit little Kallutos throat? 

He knew that if Alluka and Nanika were threatened he could do it. He had to think that or else all of this was for nothing. 

But even if he could, could he live with himself after?

He knew Illumi’s love was twisted. He knew it was wrong. But Illumi honestly thought it was what was best for him. He had been his older brother, a constant presence in his life, correcting him, making sure he got the right amount of nutrients. He was the one who introduced him to his precious ChocoRobots. He was irritating. He had hurt him in so many ways. He was traumatized by the man. But a small part of him wished things could be different.

And Kalluto. His youngest sibling who he should've paid more attention to. So young and made into a being of darkness just like him. Who was constantly being dressed and toyed with by their mother. Could he have changed things for his sibling? Should he have taken them both?

But he knew this would most likely end this way. Either Killua found a way to have Silva call off the hunt for him so he could reel Illumi and Kalluto back in or he’d have to kill his way out of this. 

//

Four years running. And in that time, Alluka had made him go to several group therapy sessions when they’d stay longer than a few days in a city. 

She worried for him, Killua knew. They both knew he didn’t tell them everything. He had originally tried to only share his best memories when they had first started traveling together. 

But Alluka and Nanika were always with him. It was hard to avoid them knowing of his nightmares. Of his sleeping problems. How he had scared them by blasting malicious aura while he was having a bad dream.

How sometimes Killua would zone out and not be in his body anymore. How he stabbed his blunt nails into his skin when the thoughts got to be too much to ground himself.

At first, Killua put it off entirely. He did not need help. Especially from some strangers. Not only could they not understand, but he didn’t want their pity.

Then, after Alluka AND Nanika had pleaded their cases as to why he should go, Killua did go, if only to make her happy.

In the beginning, he didn’t really talk, mostly kept to himself, listened to what others had to say, and then quickly left afterward.

Then slowly he began to talk. Never about everything, that would take generations to explain and detangle. But every city, town, place they went to Killua left a little piece of himself there.

In one mountainous town, he talked of his parents crushing expectations of him. In another about the guilt of the lives he’d taken. Then of the trauma his brothers gave him. Of the manipulation used against him. Of the poisonings and whippings. Of the hunter exam. Of the war, though not in detail. Of his nightmares. Of Gon. 

He was the hardest to ever bring up. He didn’t want to share their memories with just anyone, especially not with people who didn’t know him.

But it also made him happy, to share the good and the bad, it made him remember that everything that happened was real. That he had won. That somewhere out there was Gon Freecss. Breathing. Happy. Alive.

In a way it was easier to share bits of himself to people he never had to see again. He wouldn't have to see the judgment or pity in their eyes ever again. 

And oddly enough, the meetings helped. 

Complete strangers who Killua would have never given a second glance on the street caught and pointed out things that they said were not exactly healthy. These people were quick to catch how Killua really felt and tell him to explore his thoughts and feelings better.

And slowly a knot in Killua's chest began to become undone. It took years but slowly it became easier to open up. To recognize what his emotions were and not immediately repress them.

He began to talk more to Alluka about his past and memories that still hurt him. It took him a while to realize that his sisters were grown and could handle the information he would give them. They were the only ones that knew, probably in the whole world about what really happened in NGL apart from those who had been in on the mission. 

His beautiful sisters who were strong and wise. Who told him something he never would have imagined. That one day she’d leave. Not completely of course. 

But the conversation had gone somewhat like this:

It had been two years and a half since Killua and Gon had departed from the World Tree. Killua and Alluka had been stuck inside a cabin for the past four days because there was a blizzard keeping them in the small town of Daran. 

Alluka had been unusually quiet the whole afternoon. It worried him a bit but he knew not to press, she would eventually tell him. 

Finishing the cocoa he had been making, Killua poured the thick liquid into some mismatched mugs they had found in the cupboards. 

When he had set down the mugs on the rickety table before her she finally spoke up.

“Brother?”

He hummed in acknowledgment, wrapping a blanket around himself before looking into her eyes.

“What are your goals?” 

He froze. “What do you mean? Looking after you of course.”

Alluka gave a frown and looked down, blowing on her cocoa, then taking a sip. “I mean yeah, but you won’t be taking care of me forever… What do you want to do? What makes you happy?”

Killua sat up straighter “Alluka I don’t know where this is coming from, I am happy with you, I know I said protecting you was my goal, but that's not all it is. I love being with you.”

This time she looked at him with a hard glint in her eyes “I know Killua but I’m growing up and we won't be together forever” Her eyes softened. “Live for yourself Killua. That's what scares me. You need to stop living for other people. First, it was our family. Then it was Gon. Now it’s us. People can’t be your goals Killua.” 

He was speechless. He had never thought of it that way. What did he want to do? How had it been so long and he still didn’t know what to do? Suddenly he felt anxious. “I- I don’t know.” He looked at the floor, unable to look her in the eyes. 

  
  


“...I don’t know what I want to do.”

  
  
  


He heard Alluka shuffle closer to him and she grabbed onto his hands. But when he looked up, it was Nanika’s eyes he was seeing. 

“You don’t have to know now. We just want you to be happy,” She gave him a soft nudge on his shoulder with her own. “This doesn’t mean that we won't be together anymore. We both have our own paths Killua.”

Killua raised an eyebrow at his sister, but his watery smile gave him away “Both of you already know what you want to do?”

Nanika gave a quick nod before burying her head on Killua's shoulder, giving him a tight hug. “Alluka wants to learn how to be a veterinarian, Nanika wants to paint.”

Killua returned the hug, squeezing his eyes shut “I’m so proud of you, you know that? Of both of you. You already have your lives planned out while your dumb brother is clueless.”

At this, Nanika pulled back giving him a stern look. He tried to pull away as well but Nanika held him in place. 

“Don't speak bad about Killua. Killua only doesn’t know because he was never given time to think, he was never given the opportunity for more.” 

Killua thought about this for a second before giving a small chuckle “When did you get so smart?”

Nanika was right. His whole life he’d been giving and giving for others without a second thought of what he might need, might want. Of course there were things he would do over and over again because although he was giving, it was to people he loved. He would do it all again for Gon even if he’d change some aspects to make things right. He would always go back to that mountain and protect his sisters, no matter what. He’d gladly live all these years with her over again. But she was right. He’d never thought of her as growing older or being able to protect herself and moving away to do her own thing.

Of him stopping by someday perhaps in the distant future to visit them on his way to… somewhere. 

Nanika snapped him away from his thoughts. “Don't be sad Killua.” He was about to protest before she gave him a look and swiped a tear from his cheek. He hadn’t realized he was crying.

“This is not a goodbye. Never a goodbye. We are not going anywhere any time soon… we’ve just been scared for Killua. We wanted you to think of it, even if just a little.”

Killua pulled her back in for a fierce hug. “Well, I’m sorry for making you two worry. Here I am supposed to be protecting you, but I think it’s the other way around” 

Nanika gave a small giggle and he smiled with her. “I love you both so much. Please tell Alluka that I love her and that I’m happy you care for me. But.. If you’re both planning on ditching me in the future…”

Nanika gasped, pulling back to look at his face. She slapped his shoulder once she realized he was only teasing.

“Okay okay, it was just a joke I swear!” Killua said between laughs. He gave his sister a conspiratorial smile, “What would you say if I asked if we started training you two? No way in hell am I letting you two leave me if you can’t protect yourselves.” 

Nanika gave a squeal and tackled him with another hug, the memory fading with their joined laughter.

Now Killua carefully took out the metal fork he had inserted into the outlet to charge up and put it away. He quickly went through the motions, brushing his teeth, taking a shower, changing into some running shorts and a T-shirt. He shoved the slice of toast with peanut butter and banana slices he had prepared into his mouth before going to find his shoes. 

Before leaving the small kitchen Killua made a mental note to grab more groceries, they were running low. He also made sure to swipe a box of Chocorobots and put it into his pocket. 

He made a mental note to avoid using godspeed this time around. On previous trips not only had his ability melted his precious snack, but it had given an odd flavor to it. 

Making sure Alluka was still asleep, Killua went out the door, locking it behind him. 

He pulled his hair into a high ponytail with a black scrunchie he had bought in the last town they had stayed at. Now his silver hair reached his shoulders. Alluka wanted him to grow it out more so she could give him a “long braid” but he refused. He didn’t want to resemble his father any more than he already did. Besides, he liked it at this length.

It wasn't so long that it bothered him, he liked how it looked on him and as a bonus, Alluka and Nanika could play with it. It felt nice to have his hair played with and they seemed to enjoy it.

Killua took to a light jog at first, making sure to take the most confusing route in case someone was following him. He enjoyed the fresh wind on his face, the smell of this city's flowers. Maybe he’d pick some for Alluka and Nanika on his way back.

As always when he was running, his mind wandered to Gon. What was he doing at this time? He didn’t have a phone, so he couldn’t even check what time it was on Whale Island. Assuming it was bright and early like it was here, he was probably sprawled across his mattress like a starfish, little snores coming out of his open mouth. If he still slept like that of course.

He wondered what Gon thought of his silence. If Gon thought he was dead, or if he thought Killua had not wanted to talk to him anymore. Did he hate him for cutting off contact with no explanation? No, knowing how smart Gon was with stuff like this, he had to have figured it out.

That one of his siblings had found out his location through one of his letters. At least that's what Killua thought. Because the last letter Killua had sent was in Batai, where he had enrolled Alluka in school and Kalluto had found them.

He wondered what he looked like now. 

Killua thought of a nen-cursed Gon full of so much rage and pain, surrounded by darkness, and shook his head. 

No. He couldn’t look anything like that. Not the golden boy he had left. Even if his eyes had still looked a bit haunted and a little too hollowed out… it had been four years, almost five… he had to be gotten better right?

He was sure Gon was out there somewhere discovering new places and probably riding some sort of wild animal. Was he alone? ...Did he have a new traveling partner? 

Killua shook his head to clear the thought away. He couldn’t think about that, it hurt too much. 

He had broken out into a sprint, trying to clear all thoughts from his mind. Killua saw the streets and parks blur by him and he quickly lost track of just how far he had run. 

When his lungs finally begged him to stop he leaned against a brick wall heaving. He hadn't run this fast and this far in a while. Maybe he should do so more often. His blood was pumping and he was ready to go again once his muscles rested for a little. 

Killua began to walk to relax his muscles a little bit. He took out his ChocoRobots and began tossing them into his mouth. 

He must have ran for a while to be so near to the docks. The smell of the sea was strong and it reminded him a little of Whale Island. Maybe he’d buy some fish since he was already here. He needed to go get groceries anyway. 

He made a note to himself to get headless fish. The last time he had gotten a full fish he couldn't eat it. The eyes had made him want to puke. Even when Alluka had removed the head, he still couldn’t stuff it down and he had eaten his plate of rice in silence.

Turning into an alleyway he headed to the market, quickly noting the two figures who resided at the end of it. Killua was about to head back, not wanting to get caught up in someone else’s problems, but his body told him to keep going. 

With a frustrated but quiet sigh Killua kept going. Upon getting closer, his body tensed up. 

A man stood with two blades at another man's throat.

The assailant was tall, taller than Killua but not by much. He wore a dark green tunic and dark pants, his hair in a small bun on top of his head. 

The victim had silver hair and was shorter than the other man by at least a head.

Killua stood there for ten seconds before he managed to regain his voice. 

Because he would recognize that green-tipped black hair anywhere. 

Standing in front of him with wicked blades pressed to a man's throat, a man who happened to look an unsettling amount like himself, was Gon Freecss.


	5. Divine Justice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey !! Sorry last week was finals week and college was kicking my ass, but I'm done with this semester so hopefully, I can update more during the break :) 
> 
> Here's the new chapter I hope y'all enjoy !!
> 
> A lot of writers block and editing skills were desperately needed so thanks once more to the amazing LemonFroggy for patching this up and adding to this as well :)

“Gon-?”

His mind had been going a hundred miles per hour. So when he whipped his head and he saw Killua Zoldyck looking at him in horror, he thought he must be sleeping. This was a nightmare. This wasn’t real. 

There was no way Gon had spent over half of a year on his journey to find his old companion just for him to finally see him at the  _ worst time _ and by accident.

The main concern on Gons mind, however, was Killua's safety. He couldn’t be here, what if Illumi was nearby to collect his spy? What if Gon hadn’t checked the bodies thoroughly enough and there were more needlemen who had followed him? 

This was bad. He felt his anxiety and frustration going up by the second.

Though all of this only took a few seconds to race through his brain, it felt like an eternity. In one fluid motion, Gon brought down his blades back into his sheathes and slammed the needlemans head into the wall, letting the body drop.

He had barely taken one step towards Killua, the name of his best friend on his lips when a sudden and inevitable darkness overcame him. 

Had he been paying attention he would have noticed the sudden change in the air, as Killua threw up a defensive layer of threatening aura. Because even though he wouldn’t have seen it, he certainly would have sensed it, just as he had with Hisoka. 

Had he not been so distracted he would have seen that Killuas nails were out.

//

Killua’s mind was full of fuzzy confusion, as he scrambled from one assumption to the next. 

_ ‘What was going on?’  _

He stood over the limp body of his best friend, knowing that this scene would haunt his nightmares for months to come. 

Killua fell next to Gon and released a shaky breath, which quickly turned into tears as he sobbed over what had just transpired. At what he had done.

Of all the years they had been together, they had never laid a finger on each other with malicious intent. Never once had they hurt each other the way Killua had just knocked out his friend without a second thought.

But he had only had a few seconds to think. And the evidence was too much to ignore.

Gon, with blades to a man's throat.

A man who from far away looked like him.

The way Gon took no mercy and knocked the man out.

The way he felt his frustration before he began coming towards him. 

How he had said his name before falling on the floor.

And as Killua remained slumped on his knees he realized the irony of it all. How long had he dreamt that one day he’d hear Gon call out his name once more?

But not like this. 

He was wrong. All those times he had hoped Gon would understand; how he had believed him when Gon said they would always be friends. He was wrong. 

Because this Gon hated him, hated him so much that he had almost killed a lookalike. How he had immediately changed his prey when he had found his true target. And as Killua had felt the difference of all these years of slowly getting better… he realized how much it hurt to have his heart crack under the weight of this. 

Because even though he always felt like a part of him was missing now that Gon wasn’t with him, the boy’s optimism had rubbed off on him. He had believed that when they did reunite it would be full of embarrassing moments that would have killed his 14-year-old self.

He imagined a reunion full of smiles and bone-crunching hugs; of laughter and his name being screamed from across a park. 

But here he was in a dark alley, two bodies next to him. One a stranger, and the other of his first love.

// 

Gon woke up with a start. He felt groggy and the room spun as his vision danced, trying to refocus himself on reality.

It must have been a nightmare.

He was still on the boat, that's why the room was swaying dizzyingly. 

His hope quickly diminished when he felt the chains wrapped around not only on his hands but around his arms and legs. 

He lifted his head to survey the area. 

He was in a dark and scarce room, with no windows where he could try to gauge where he was or even what time of day it was. 

The only light source was a single red flare, cast to the side, which gave the room an eerie red tone.

Why was he here? His thoughts still clouded and foggy, as he struggled to remember what had happened. 

Killua.

He snapped his head around the room again, knowing that no matter what was going on, Killua would never have left him alone.

As if his heart knew where he’d be, Gon’s eyes quickly found him. 

Sitting on a beam above him, there he was. Killua Zoldyck.

Gon hadn’t had any time to fully see him in the alley. It had been dark and his panic had made him focus on nothing else but making sure Killua got far far away from there. 

Knowing that Gon had spotted him, Killua jumped down and simply stared. He wondered what he saw as he gazed at him, chained down in the middle of the room. 

Because Gon was awestruck. If Killua had been beautiful when they were young, now he was ethereal.

How could people walk around thinking there wasn’t more to the world when Killua Zoldyck existed? Were someone to tell him that his best friend was a gift of moonlight and divine justice, Gon would’ve believed it. 

Killua had grown quite a bit since they had last seen each other. Now his friend was tall and lean. Gon didn’t need Nen to know that his friend had gotten much stronger since the last time they had been together. He had picked up tricks on his training through the years on how to sense nen since he didn't have any of his own.

Just based on physical prowess alone Gon could see that it would be hard to find someone who could defeat the Zoldyck heir without using nen, even if Killua himself were nenless. 

Killua's face had also thinned Gon noted, and couldn’t help but stare at the silver hoop that was attached to Killuas nose. 

Much like himself, Killua had also pierced his ears, though Gon had more. He looked in wonder at the little silver earrings that were in Killua's ears.

Even after all this time, Gon was amazed at how he felt as if he had only scratched the surface.

Gon could spend his whole life loving Killua and it would never be enough to appreciate every part of him.

Because even chained to a chair, Gon loved him. Even if Killua’s face gave nothing away. Not a hint of warmth, of surprise, of happiness. If he had thought he had been happy if a little empty before, that was nothing compared to finally having him in front of him once more. 

Even with the worried thoughts filling his head, he had never been happier because they were finally together again and everything would be fine now.

After having explored the changes in his friend, Gon finally locked his eyes on Killuas.

This was the one part of him that hadn’t changed. His eyes seemed as bright as ever and the colors in his eyes as varied as a blue jay’s feather.

But looking at his eyes, Gon’s heart lurched in his chest.

It had been a long time since Gon couldn’t tell at all what his friend was thinking.

What must he see in his own face? 

Gon shook his head. Right now that didn’t matter, he had other things to worry about.

“Killua, where is he? You can’t be here”

Gon wanted to struggle against his bonds, but something was wrong, Gon didn’t know why Killua had tied him up in the first place. Why he had knocked him out in the alley. 

Maybe to take them to a secure location, but Gon would have followed him. Did he think that since Gon was nenless he couldn’t keep up? He frowned at the thought. No, Killua wouldn’t think that. So what was wrong? 

Killua continued to stare at him for a few moments as if he were analyzing his face and glanced away as if disgusted. 

Gon would be lying if he didn’t say it hurt more than any physical pain would.

“You mean your practice?” Killua seemed upset at this. 

Gon was confused, practice?

“Killua we don’t have time for this, you need to let me go and I still need to figure out what to do with him, please how much time was I out? He must have noticed by now, where’s Alluka, please tell me she’s safe” He was rambling, but Gon didn’t know how much time he’d wasted and he couldn’t stand this tension that was suffocating them. Gon didn’t want this to be their first interaction.

Hearing Alluka’s name, Killua automatically tensed up.

“Don’t say her name until I know what you want with us.” Killua was angry and Gon was hurt. Why was Killua acting this way? As if Gon would actually do something to Alluka. Gon loved them, even if they had only known each other for a short time.

“You know I didn’t find a needle on you?” Killua continued, a sort of cold detachment in his voice “so unless Illumi found a different way to manipulate you, you best have a good reason for trying to kill someone that looks like me.”

Gon, who had begun to struggle with his bonds, stopped. “Oh.”

“Oh? That’s all you have to say?” Killua demanded.

Oh no.

Now thinking back, his position must have been very compromising to an unknowing Killua. Gon wanted to hit himself in the head. Even all these years later he acted first, then spoke. 

Knocking out the man, the blades, the dark alley. Everything. 

He threw his head back and sighed. Then he looked straight into Killua’s eyes because he needed Killua to believe him.

“Killua please, that man is a needleman. I already killed some of them that had seen too much and let others go so Illumi wouldn’t be suspicious. That man was sent to test me and I failed. I couldn’t kill him on the boat. He reminded me of you and I couldn’t do it.” 

At this Gon looked away, ashamed to admit his failings. After all, if he was going to convince Killua to let him follow him, to let him help… It really was not great to show Killua that after five years Gon still wasn’t enough to handle the Zoldycks. That it would most likely be more dangerous than beneficial to have him with them. 

By the time Gon looked up, Killua was already at the door, leaving. Gon was about to break out of the chains when he heard a scraping noise that was getting closer.

And in came Killua easily dragging the chair with the man that seemed to be asleep. He was blindfolded, gagged, and chained. Killua knew how to be thorough after all. 

If Killua thought Gon was also here to hurt him he was surprised he was also not taking the same treatment as the needleman. Most likely because Killua was watching over him so he didn’t do anything funny.

“Where?” he demanded, positioning the chair at an angle so he could keep an eye on both of them at the same time.

“Lower back on the right” Gon replied, blushing a fierce red when Killua raised an eyebrow at him but said nothing. 

Wrapping the thick chains around his hands and snapping them with a quick tug, Killua turned the man so he could see his back and sharpened a nail. He then slit the man's shirt open, performing a quick check, brows furrowed until he found it. 

He frowned. “Why didn’t you just kill him in the alleyway?” 

“I was trying to decide what to do. If I kill him, Illumi will know that I failed and am trying to cover up my tracks.”

“You keep talking about a test you’re supposedly failing. What was the test?” 

Gon sighed again. “I think it was to see if I was looking for you and if I still cared about you. I took a hunter job as an excuse as to why I was traveling so much. I didn’t want Illumi to figure out I was looking for you and send even more needlemen after me.” He looked into Killua's eyes “I would never look for you if it would put you in danger.”

“Originally my plan was to shake off the needlemen throughout the world. I was going to plant false leads and make it seem as if I never noticed they were there, but now that seems to be ruined, I hadn’t even started looking for you yet, I was still dropping leads.”

“How do I know that you’re not lying? That Illumi hasn’t put one of his more subtle needles in you? Not all the needles reduce you to a blubbering mess”

Gon thought it through. Killua had every right to be suspicious. It was also the only reason they were still alive. Both of them. Without Killua’s mind, he would have never made it this far. 

But now it was that mind he’d have to convince of his innocence. 

Suddenly he had an idea. 

“Look under my shirt” 

Killua’s face turned red and Gon quickly rushed to explain, his own ears feeling pink.

“My necklace! Look at my necklace.”

Cautiously Killua walked over and tugged Gons shirt to the side to reveal the chain he was wearing. Acting as if he’d burst into flames if he touched Gon’s skin, Killua used his nail to pick up the chain then drag it out into view.

Gon observed as Killua looked at the golden chocorobot. A mix of emotions crossed his face. Confusion, recognition, shock, suspicion, hope, and then something soft yet painful that Gon couldn’t place.

“This doesn’t mean anything. These are not that rare, you could've bought another one. Also, I'm not doubting that it's actually you.” Now he looked at him and said, “I know it's you, but that doesn’t mean you're not being controlled or manipulated.”

“Check me” Gon, didn’t want to think about how Killua knew this. Whether Illumi had already sent sophisticated needlemen at them, but he would do whatever it took “Check me for needles, ask me whatever you need me too but please know that I would never hurt you” 

“Check me, and after that please let me get rid of him”

“What are you going to do?”

So Gon told him. As Killua checked him, Gon did his best to focus and explain his plan.

Because even though Killua was checking him in an impersonal and methodical manner, this was the most they had ever touched in their lives. They had never been so near. Never had Killua run his hands through Gon's hair. And it was nice, even if it was under these dire circumstances. 

Once Killua had double and even triple checked that Gon was free of needles, he ripped the chains off of him.

Gon stood, rubbing his wrists. It was odd to have to look up at his friend. When had Killua gotten so tall? 

The tension of all their years apart was still there, even without the chains, and as Gon outstretched his arms to hug his friend, he dropped them when he saw Killua shift away. 

Gon rubbed at his neck and chuckled awkwardly. “I guess it's time for me to go to work?”

“I’ll go with you,” Killua offered. 

Gon shoulders dropped in relief. He thought if Killua left his sight it would be another many years before he saw him again. 

“Of course! Where's my bag?” 

Killua pointed to the rafters, then brought it down.

Bringing out a police scanner, Gon smiled.

//

The plan was simple. They couldn't let the needleman go back to Illumi, but they also couldn’t kill him themselves as Illumi would know what had happened. 

Thankfully Gon had a scanner that told him what local law enforcement was up to and he quickly found out that there was a standoff at a local restaurant. 

So they went, the quiet between them tensing them up. How did they start a normal conversation after what had just happened? 

Should Gon ask how his day was, what he’d done all these years as he acted like he wasn’t carrying a full-grown man on his back? 

“Should we go over the Plan again?” 

Gon was surprised that Killua was the first to break the silence, maybe he hated the situation as much as he did. 

”Sure” 

And so they did, it was easier to go over stuff like this. 

//

Killua and Gon walked the man between them, swaying slightly, seemingly drunk.

Gon had a smile on his face. After telling Killua the plan for the first time, he had only shaken his head and given him the smallest of smiles, but it was there. Only for a second before Killua smoothed out his features, but Gon had seen it and captured that image.

“You still have the craziest ideas you know?” Killua sighed, but Gon could see the small fire of hope in his eyes.

It made Gon want to do whatever was needed, bring down the moon itself if that is what would keep Killua with that light in his eyes.

But he needed to focus on their present situation.

They giggled (mostly Gon, but Killua also kept up with the act) and swayed while walking past the restaurant.

At the last second they pushed the man in the restaurant and ran away.

They could hear the gunshots echo behind them but they continued running.

The people trying to rob the wealthy patrons of the restaurant would assume it was the police coming in and start shooting. Shoot first then ask questions is what Gon assumed would happen. He was just glad he was right.

Hoping that would do the trick they both stopped, Gon briefly pulled out the police scanner, listening in on the frantic jabbering between officers as they tried explaining the situation to each other and unknowingly helping Gon and Killua too. 

_ Officer: Who went in? Mendoza you better not have rushed in. I thought we agreed we’d come in through the backdoor? _

_ Officer Mendoza: It’s not me, there's too much screaming, but it sounds like it was a civilian. _

_ Officer: Fuck. All units go in now, let's use this distraction while it lasts. _

The radio soon was then full of shouted orders and static for the next minutes as officers tried to detain the man while preventing further injuries. Then they heard it.

_ Officer Mendoza: Cancel the Ambulance, the civilian was confirmed dead at the scene. _

Upon hearing the news they both let out a collective sigh of relief, but the barrier between them was still ever-present.

“Looks like it worked…” Gon stated bluntly, letting out a shaky breath.

“Yeah…” Killua awkwardly rubbed his arm, suddenly feeling a little chilly. When had things gotten so tense between them? Were they no longer friends? They definitely weren't the same people they were all those years ago. Did they even know each other anymore?

Standing next to him Killua realized what he didn’t in the alley, Gon was actually shorter than he had originally thought. His friend was almost a full head shorter than him, of course, Killua was already tall thanks to his family's genes, but it was oddly satisfying to be taller than his friend. Maybe the intimidating scene of the alleyway had made his brain see Gon as being larger than he actually was?

“I… we have a lot of catching up to do. I’m sorry for scaring you, I really didn’t want you to find me like that. And I would never try to do you harm. Not you or Alluka. Never. I’d rather something happen to me first.” Gon suddenly rambled, finally letting his feelings out.

Killua only sighed but gave him an odd look at his last statement, closing his eyes and absentmindedly stuffing his hands in his pockets, “I still don't fully trust you but… for now it seems like you’re telling the truth. I was planning on relocating soon anyway so… I’ll take you back to our hideout.” 

Gon’s face instantly lit up, smiling brightly. This was more than he had expected. Gon had thought he would have to beg. To prove his worth. The fact that Killua trusted him enough to bring him near Alluka gave him hope. “Thanks, Killua! You won’t regret it. I promise I’ll earn your trust.”

A small pang of nostalgia poked at Killuas heart, remembering how he’d always seen his friend, bright and happy. He couldn't help the low heat that gave a slight flush to his face as he stared down at his old best friend.

_ ‘guess he really hasn’t changed that much...’  _

“Yeah well... don't get too comfortable. You’re making this seem as if this will last longer than a few minutes. I’m just taking you over so that I can talk with her. I don’t exactly trust leaving you alone to do God knows what. And if you so much as lay a finger on Alluka I swear-”

There was no real merit behind his words, as much as Killua meant them, it was hard to throw any real threat towards Gon.

“I promise I would never hurt you or your sister. I know I already said this but I’ll also prove this to you. If I ever believed you’d be in danger with my looking for you I would never have come. ” Gon's expression was completely serious, the former smile on his face being replaced with a determined look that tried to convey his sincerity.

“I wouldn’t take you near Alluka or Nanika if I didn’t believe that much.” There was a small moment of doubt in Killua's mind, that he shouldn’t be putting his trust in his old best friend, who was practically a stranger now, so quickly. But he still had time to turn him away, and perhaps he just wanted Alluka and Nanika’s opinion on this first. He didn’t fully trust his own judgment, and whatever his decision he wouldn’t be the only one facing the consequences of it if Gon did turn out to be untrustworthy. 

He had to put his sisters first, that much he was sure of. 

“Well, let's get going then.” Killua averted his gaze, not wanting to let on just how much he had  _ missed  _ this, how much he had longed to be by Gon’s side again. But now as an equal. Killua would now take nothing less.

Heart heavy and mind clouded with inevitable decisions he must make in the near future, they set off into the early morning light towards their destination. 

  
  
  


//

  
  
  
  


By the time they arrived at the shabby old apartment building, they were both wide awake and were a little breathless from the run. Killua really did lose track of how far away he’d gotten. Alluka had to be worried by now, he’s been gone for around 5 hours now without calling or texting. And Alluka knew his morning runs at most took only 2 hours at most.

Gon had been knocked out for about an hour and a half, which was longer than he’d expected, but Killua had hit him rather hard out of shock so he hadn’t held back until the last second when he delivered a powerful chop to the back of his head. It could’ve been worse but Killua knew his own strength.

He didn’t admit it but he was very worried he may have injured his old friend more than he’d meant to. The Gon he knew was basically indestructible, it almost seemed as if he had been daring the gods to strike him down. But Killua also knew how delicate the head was.

He was surprised Gon was able to keep up, especially after being knocked out. But Gon matched him step for step the whole way, only stopping once to take off his jacket he wore over his outfit, which only revealed more of his fit psychic. 

_ It's clear Gon hadn’t stopped training even though he doesn't have nen anymore _ , Killua thought as he admired him while pretending he was only checking to see if he was keeping up.

Freckles littered his sunkissed skin, more than before. His hair was spiked back with some pieces falling gracefully over his face framing his almond brown eyes. His friend was just as perfect as he had remembered, though he definitely had more of a handsome look to him now rather than cute like he had always thought. He would be lying if he didn’t admit that Gon’s longer hairstyle paired with his shorter undercut was not an amazing look on him.

It was hard to look away and was making it much more difficult to be wary of him when he looked like the very embodiment of light and sunshine. He could hardly believe this was the same person he found in the alleyway covered in blood… holding a knife to an imposter Killua’s throat… with that dark empty look in his eyes… nope nope nope, he decided he was absolutely still cautious of him in every way. 

Because even though he still felt some of the same energy as when they were kids, it was also very clear to Killua that his friend had drastically changed. Though he still seemed to be bright and loud, he was also more drawn in a sense. Now it was certain things that brought out his inner sun, instead of it constantly being out for the world to see. He saw a bit of it when Killua had first agreed to help Gon with the disposal of the needleman. He had seen it again when he had brought up meeting Alluka. It was as if his old friend came out in parts, but there were still large patches of this new Gon that Killua did not know.

He was also more pensive, more quiet. When Gon first woke up on the chair, Killua expected him to rip out of the bonds instantly. Even without nen, those chains shouldn’t have been able to hold him. Yet he had remained tied, was it for Killuas benefit? This new Gon seemed to think things through more before acting, which was strange... But also a bit nice. But only time would tell if his friend had actually changed. For all he knew, Gon could just be acting as if he was different to have Killua put his defenses down.

Because this Gon killed. Even if it was just a needleman, Gon was quick to come up with a plan and had not seemed fazed by it. Almost as if he was used to this. Of course, Killua knew Gon had killed before. He was there when he crushed the armadillo-ant hybrid, and Killua could never get the sight of Gon beating a bloody Pitou to a pulp out of his mind. But this was different. The ants had been hybrids but no matter how it was put, these were actual people. Had Gon does this before? How many times?

Killua pried his eyes off of his companion, realizing they had arrived. Making a mental note to stop falling for someone who could be a potential enemy, they stopped in front of the door leading up to Killuas apartment, sweat dripping down their forehead as they collected themselves. 

//

“Looks like we’re here..” Killua gave Gon a side-glance, checking for any signs of betrayal, waiting for him to turn around and stab him in the back and do exactly what Killua was expecting to happen. Maybe it had been a mistake to give him back those blades. They were wicked yet the craftsmanship behind the simple blades could not be denied. Killua knew how many uses these blades could be used for. He had learned about them himself, drilled into his brain by the Zoldyck’s. Blades had even been used on him more times than he could count. Killua kept in a shiver that threatened to go down his spine. 

But his old friend just stood a few steps away, hands on his hips, hair falling over his face and looking positively beautiful.

“This is where you’re staying?” he asked with innocent curiosity.

“Yeah…. It isn't much but it's been hard to afford moving around so much, I haven’t taken up a hunter job in a few months.” Giving one more skeptical side glance, he started up the stairs towards their apartment door. 

Before his hand could even reach to knock, the door was thrown open, and Alluka was about to jump into his arms before she saw the shadow of a man behind him. 

Before Killua could explain, before he could even react, Alluka pushed Killua out of the way and threw Gon over her shoulder and onto the floor.


	6. Convince Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was fun to write so I hope y'all enjoy it >:)
> 
> Drop a comment if you want :D

Alluka and Nanika, two amazing souls sharing the same body. 

Though Killua had long ago told Gon that the Zoldycks considered Nanika dangerous to their bloodline and was the reason why they were being hunted down, Gon could see without Killua having to tell him that he didn't share this feeling. He could see the bond between siblings. 

Killua may not have known where Nanika had come from, but Gon could tell that it didn’t matter. Not to Alluka. Not to Killua. 

Nanika was their sister and there was nothing else to it. 

Gon had also met Nanika herself, and though she had not said much, Gon could see how sweet she was. How perceptive and kind.

But this had been almost five years ago. Nanika had been tall, but still shorter than him. In Gon’s mind, in every scenario had he had come up with, he had never considered that Alluka would also grow, not just Killua. 

If asked to picture Alluka or Nanika, Gon would have imagined them as they had been when they were at the world tree, with huge blue eyes, long choppy hair with little beads woven into it, a soft smile, and her pink dress. She was permanently frozen in time and he hadn’t even noticed.

This was why Gon Freecss was just as puzzled as Alluka Zoldyck felt.

At first, Gon simply thought, _there’s a woman in the house. Was she an enemy? A babysitter? Why was there a woman in the apartment? Why had they gone for him and not Killua?_

Meanwhile, Alluka was just as perplexed that a tan man was standing behind her brother. Killua rarely interacted with people in the places they stayed at. _Who was he? Had he followed brother home? Or did he come with him? And if he did, why did brother bring him here?_

//

As they stared at each other, blue and brown eyes meeting, one with a look of determination and the other filled with confusion, both trying to make sense of each other.

Gon’s first instinct when hands were placed on him, _especially_ as he was _thrown_ onto the floor, was to attack. To punch his assailant’s throat and begin his attack while they tried to catch their breath. Or at minimum, take them down and incapacitate them.

But Gon did not know the situation he was in and he was not going to do anything that would risk his position in staying with the Zoldyck siblings. Even if it took all of his willpower to have his hands stay still and not twitch towards his blades.

“Big brother! Where were you? I was so worried! Why weren’t you answering my calls?” The young woman’s voice was light yet strong.

A dumbfounded Killua now seemed to be snapped back into the present.

“I’m so sorry.” He rubbed his neck remorsefully, “My phone died and something really important came up. I happened to run into an old friend of mine.” Killua lightly gestured to his new companion who was currently on the floor, her boot pressed against Gon’s wrist, and a sharpened beam of wood aimed at the side of his neck, right above his jugular. 

“Alluka?” Gon almost didn’t hear what Killua said. She had called him Brother. He was in too much shock. He immediately relaxed. This was Alluka? It couldn’t be? She was no longer the small girl from his memories.

Blue eyes came back to him, surprise and recognition now spreading across her face. Because as far as Gon knew, he was the only to have ever met her. She must have seen the recognition on his own face and have put the pieces together in that short moment. 

“ _Gon??_ ” Alluka yelped and jumped back, her face now a bright red.

He stood up chuckling, “today seems to be filled with interesting reunions all around”

The two took a second to observe each other in silence. Now that he could look at her face-to-face, Gon felt stupid he had not recognized her the moment his eyes had landed on her. She was very obviously Alluka.

She had kept the Zoldyck genes after all and had grown to be tall, but still shorter than him. That brought him a small sense of satisfaction. He was already a tiny bit upset Killua was taller than him, he would have sobbed if Alluka had also surpassed him. It wasn’t anything big, but everything the friends did was a competition, so it would do him no good that now Killua could always pull the “I’m taller” card. 

She had grown more lovely with time, more confident too, it was a nice look on her. Now that she could choose her own clothing, Gon noticed that instead of her pink dress, Alluka now wore a soft-looking lavender blouse with some loose-fitting grey pants and chunky shoes.

Her face was sharper, her eyes defined, and her hair was pulled up into a high ponytail.

Alluka seemed to also be analyzing him, her eyes slightly squinted in concentration. 

Gon fought the urge to tug on his hair self-consciously.

After a couple of short minutes, almost as if they had agreed upon it, both of them beamed at each other.

“May I hug you?” Gon forced himself to wait in place while Alluka answered. He could feel his giddiness rising with pure happiness.

He truly did not think he’d see either of them for at least a year. And that was assuming he found them. Now by pure luck, he had both of them right in front of him. Gon wanted to bounce around but only kept the 500-watt smile in place, feeling as if his face would split open from smiling so much.

Alluka just laughed and threw her hands open wide as she ran at him. Gon met her halfway and spun her around in the air, her giggling and his laughter weaving together. They both grabbed each other tightly and Gon was surprised how much he had missed someone he knew so little of.

He set her down gently and smiled once more. 

“Well, I sure am happy I'm at least taller than one of you! I was about ready to tell your brother to shrink a little so I don’t have neck pains from staring up at him so much.” 

Killua snorted and Alluka laughed.

Suddenly her face got mischievous. “I may still outgrow you yet” she threatened while wiggling her eyebrows.

Gon only sighed and put the back of his hand against his forehead dramatically, “In that case, I may have to invest in taller boots so I don’t stick out as much.”

Alluka only smiled evilly, “don’t worry, brother can buy you your next pair.” 

“What boots with a taller heel? I think he’ll need stilts if he wants to catch up” Killua snickered. Gon gasped incredulously and Alluka elbowed Killua in the gut.

“Brother don’t be mean” she admonished.

But you just-”

“I can do it, you cant” she stuck out her tongue and Killua rolled his eyes.

“I’ve heard that one before,” Killua said pointedly looking at Gon.

Gon flushed, thinking of their time with the Phantom Troupe when Gon had hit Killua on the head for talking of sacrificing himself so that he could escape.

“Anyways,” Alluka huffed, turning a sharp gaze towards Killua “you could’ve just told me you were going to be out all morning if you two wanted a moment alone to reconnect instead of worrying me! Though I am angry you didn’t tell me about this, even if it was a nice surprise.” 

Killua, assuming Alluka had gotten the wrong idea, was furiously blushing “No Alluka it’s not like that.” 

Gon, who now also assumed Alluka had been thinking something else, could also feel his face heat up and felt the room get too small.

Alluka searched both their faces, before seeming to come to a conclusion.“In that case, let’s go to the living room so we’re not just standing at the entrance.” 

As Gon removed his shoes and left them at the front door. He couldn’t help but steal glances at their small apartment. The place seemed to be empty. If Gon hadn’t already known they lived here, he would have assumed it was their first day in it. 

// 

While Gon put his shoes away, Alluka clapped her hands together happily, making sure to elbow Killua’s side and waggle her eyebrows goofily at him, which just caused Killua to facepalm again in an attempt to hide his embarrassed blush. 

She only gave a small giggle before walking towards her room with a wink, leaving them alone.

Killua was just happy Gon didn’t notice. He spared a glance at the man who now stood scanning every inch of space. He suddenly felt self-conscious of their empty living area.

“Well… this is it. We don’t really unpack our things in case we have to evacuate quickly.”

Gon turned his attention to him and Killua felt glued to the spot. He was no longer used to having those intense eyes on him that made him feel as if he was the only one in the room. Which he was now that Alluka left, but that didn’t mean the electricity in his veins was supposed to react like this. Also, Gon made him feel that way no matter where they were and no matter how many people were with them.

“Do you get furnished apartments or do you stock them yourself every time?”

Killua shouldn't be surprised at his attention to detail knowing how his friend was, but still, he was impressed if a bit confused over the question.

“We never go into furnished apartments, too much trouble checking every single corner and piece to see if things have been tampered with. Much easier to just buy the minimum.”

Gon hummed in acknowledgment and bit his lip. “Did you buy a TV?”

Killua frowned. “My phone works as one, why?”

“Could we look at the local news channel?”

And Killua understood. As Gon walked towards him to peer into the screen as he set it up, Killua tried his best to remain cool. They had been this near thousands of times, this time was no different. Gon had always had a habit of getting too close to people, and the small size of his phone didn't give them much space to work with.

Now Gon’s broad shoulders were pressed against his arm and Killua swore he felt the electricity in him react again. It was his only imagination he knew, but still, he feared somehow Gon could tell.

Killua did his best to focus on the screen in front of them, remembering their little problem of only a few hours ago.

And as Killua and Gon looked at the news, they saw exactly what they needed to see.

After the altercation ended, it seemed as if the news wouldn’t stop broadcasting what had happened. Nothing must happen in this town for this case to capture the media’s attention like this.

There were excitable guests who had been in the restaurant and they all couldn’t help repeating the same thing, that the man had walked in and the mugger had turned around and spent the clip on the man, that he had been a hero because those seconds the mugger spent shooting the man, the owner of the restaurant had brought out his own gun and shot the mugger, which allowed law enforcement to rush in.

No one mentioned any others. According to everyone, the man had simply walked in by himself full of bravado and was killed for his bravery. A hero is what he now was. How he’d be remembered.

Now Illumi would have to curse bad luck. That some random person had taken out his Needleman. That they’d been in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

But this also brought comfort to the young men standing in the kitchen, bodies hunched over the phone to take in every detail, every comment.

Illumi had most likely taken a random person on the street, their life ended much too early simply for having a slight resemblance to the Zoldyck heir.

At least they would be remembered. They’d be a story told countless times by the people who they had saved, even if not on purpose.

He looked to Gon, relieved that his odd plan had worked. The other man had a grim face.

“I hope his family sees this and knows about their son.”

Killua was surprised. Of course, his lookalike had friends, a family, and a life of their own. A life that was stolen by his brother. Another life on Killua's hands. He felt his mouth turn down. So many lives. He probably couldn't give a number even if he really wanted to.

“They will find out. They'll probably figure out his identity and contact their parents”

“They won't need to” Gon replied, a somber expression on his face.

“Huh?”

“They won't need to identify the body I mean. I left his wallet with him. He has ID’s inside.”

“Gon that could have had evidence! Not only on you but a clue as to where Illumi might have found the man, and that could tell us where he’s been! Why didn’t you tell-”

“Because I know you” Gon gave him a fond smile, most likely thinking of past times Killua had chastised him. “I knew you’d say that so I took pictures of everything. I only left him with one ID in the wallet, I have the rest of it in my bag if you want to check it out.”

Seeing Killua itchy with anticipation, Gon wordlessly went towards his bag. He pulled out a small plastic thing full of documents and some money. 

Killua noticed that he was no longer used to working in pairs. This detail did make him sad about the changes that had come to their lives. Of course, their teamwork had never been equal, but still, they had a system that had worked for them for so long that no longer was there, only the scraps of it remained.

It was odd and made him feel vulnerable to be reliant on Gon. He had been working alone for so long, he wanted to have control of the situation. But what was done was done. 

What stuck out to Killua was that he had checked the man's belongings when Gon was unconscious and he had had nothing on him at the time. That meant that the wallet in Gon’s bag had not been his but the man’s.

But still, this was only a visit wasn't it? What did Gon want from them? 

Maybe it was better that they had both become self-sufficient. If Gon was to leave again, it was better that their rhythm not come back and leave him heartbroken. He needed to talk with Alluka about this, about everything. She could help him work this all out. Because the one lesson he’d learned in his life was that his mind did not work right when it came to Gon Freecss.

“Gon could you stay in the living room while I talk to Alluka?”

Gon looked up from the screen and gave him a small smile, “Of course.”

Killua pocketed his phone and let Gon get comfortable on the couch. He watched him until he started fiddling with his phone before he walked off to find his sisters.

//

“Come in”

Killua lowered his fist and slowly opened the door. 

Alluka was sitting on her bed, her back rod-straight, with a smile so big he worried her face would split in half. He could tell she had been waiting for him to come back inside. Alluka was practically bursting with unanswered questions. Her smile was contagious and he couldn’t help the soft smile that came onto his own face.

As soon as he shut the door behind him the interrogation began.

“Did he leave? What happened? Why didn't you tell me he was coming? We could have made a meal before he got here! How did you feel-”

“Wow, wow, wow, one question at a time” he laughed, sitting next to his sister, his cheeks warming up from the questions.

“Well, I need to know everything!” Alluka huffed. “You haven't seen each other in almost five years! I open up the door worried sick and there's a handsome man behind you! I couldn’t tell if you were being threatened or if you were on a date!”

Killua started sputtering at the last comment. “I don’t know where you’re getting these ideas from, you’ve never acted like this when I brought him up before.”

“That was before I saw how handsome he’d gotten, and before I got confirmation that you like him,” she grinned.

“Okay that’s the second time you say it, you think he’s handsome?”

“Don't try to change the topic Killua Zoldyck,” Alluka threatened scrunching up her face. “He’s handsome, but he isn’t my type.” She sighed dramatically, “But I could tell he’s yours,” she sung poking him on his ribs.

“You weren’t even in the room for more than five minutes! How could you possibly think that when all I did was stand there while you threatened to rip his throat out?”

Alluka rolled her eyes “I’d be blind not to notice. We’ve been together for how long and you thought I would never catch on?”

She lay down and patted the side of the bed. “Even Nanika had been dying to bring it up, but we wanted you to tell us.” She looked to him with a glare “But you never did... But now that he’s here… well we couldn't pretend like we didn't know!”

“Nanika knows too?” Killua groaned and covered his face with one arm. “How did I give myself away?” It was no use to lie. His sisters had figured him out and it would be an insult to think that any excuse could hide the truth. His sister was extremely perceptive, she reminded him of Gon. If he had given himself away, he was done for. Nothing could save him now.

Plus it felt nice to give this bit of truth to his sister. It was extremely embarrassing, but it was nice.

“Please, at first we thought it was how every friend talked about each other. But you don’t talk about Kurapika or Leorio like that. Even Zushi who’s practically your age.” She trailed off and looked at him with a soft smile. “When you talked about Gon, your whole body relaxed. You would smile so wide telling me about him and your eyes said it all. Even in your sleep, you call out to him… it's kind of hard to not notice, you were so painfully obvious brother.” at this she looked bashful. She knew how much he was dying on the inside to have her expose him like this. Without her ever bringing this up to him. Especially the sleeping part. 

He knew he sometimes cried out in his sleep, but he didn’t realize he _talked_. The mortification was enough to end him. How much had he said? What had she heard?

“Anyways, even when people flirted with you, you never really seemed interested. Even when you did find them attractive.” Now she looked at him with a fiendish grin and he was scared for what she was about to say next. “Interestingly enough, when people _have_ spiked your interest they all tended to be broad-shouldered... tan… brown-eyed… dark-haired… long-legged… shall I continue?”

Killua let out a muffled “please stop” from under the pillow he had shoved over his face. If only the ground would swallow him at that moment. It would be nice if he could just disappear. Maybe he’d change his name and move to Ranpur, the city where his precious Chocorobots were first founded. That didn’t actually sound half bad.

Alluka chuckled knowingly. “At first I thought your type was just really _really_ specific. But looking at him again, I’ve very much realized that your type is Gon.”

“Alluka please stop before I burst into flames. If you want me to run out of the room, just say so.”

“Now, now brother, we’ve learned that we shouldn’t run away from your feelings”

“I know, I know. I never expected you to find out. Much less have you teasing me for it. But please don’t say any of this anywhere near him. I know he doesn’t feel the same, it’s always been one-sided.” He said, feeling defeated by speaking the words into the world. 

He’d never actually said it aloud since Killua had recognized his feelings, despite having thought that for most of the time they’d been together, and even after when they’d separated.

Alluka hummed and looked at him thoughtfully. “How do you know?”

“How do I know what?”

“That he doesn't have any romantic feelings towards you?”

“Trust me, Gon is the most straightforward and honest person I know, not counting you, of course, you rank above, always. But if he had felt anything, he would have said it.” Killua said with a little more sadness than he meant to let out.

“But from your stories and what Bisky has told me, he was always complimenting you and singing your praises”

Killua honestly thought if he kept blushing like this he would most likely die. It had to be bad for his face to keep doing this, right??

“I mean, yes, but Gon is also easily impressed, you will find that out fast, so that doesn’t really mean much.”

Alluka only hummed again. “We’ll see… by the way, what did you want to tell me? I doubt you came in here to finally confess your feelings towards Gon. You have been trying to hide it from me for so long, so I know that’s not it.”

Killua rolled his eyes but explained what had happened. The alleyway, how Killua knocked him out, how he took them to the warehouse. He mentioned that they got rid of his lookalike, letting Alluka fill in the blanks for that one. For some reason, he didn’t want to reveal Gon’s plan.

By the end of his recounting, Alluka let out a low whistle. 

“So you really didn’t know, and neither of you had any idea the other would be there?”

“No, not at all, for a second I didn’t know if my brain had just wanted Gon to be there so bad that it had imagined him when I had walked into a mugging or something.”

“You know… some would say that is fate” Alluka said dreamily.

Killua gave her a look and she rushed to continue before he could interrupt “No listen! I know Gon had begun a journey to look for you, but what were the odds that the two of you ended up at the same spot at the same time?”

“I think you have been reading too many romance novels.” Killua deadpanned.

Killua didn't want to let his heart hope for something that he knew wouldn’t happen.

Alluka stuck out her tongue, “Then why is he here? Why is he even looking for you? What’s the plan?”

“I- I don't know.”

“You haven't even asked him?” she seemed genuinely surprised.

“We haven't exactly had much time to talk. He was knocked out for most of our time together.”

“Then why are you in here?? Why are you asking me for my opinion when you don't even have all the information yet?”

Alluka jumped from the bed and began tugging at him as she tisked “Brother I've never seen you so rattled. You taught me this yourself remember? You can’t come to a conclusion till you know everything. Now don’t come back until you know at least the bare minimum of what going on.”

Then his darling sister all but shoved him out of her bedroom, closing the door behind her with a small giggle.

She was right of course. He was just using her to make time to process everything that was happening. Gon Freeccss was in his living room. Gon. His best friend. The boy he’d been in love with for so long.

He was the heir to the Zoldyck family and here he was ruffled because this beautiful man he no longer knew had walked into his life again. 

He was Killua Zoldyck. He could do this. One man couldn’t affect his life this much… right?

//

When Killua finally walked back into the living room, Gon was about ready to burst from impatience as well as nerves. 

He felt his dread grow as the minutes had passed by. What if they had already decided they didn’t want him there? Had he left a bad impression with Alluka? Had his hand twitched to his blades without him noticing?

His bottom lip was swollen from the constant teasing of his lips. It was a bad habit that he had almost broken, but it always came back when he was really nervous about something. 

Nothing could cause as deep emotions to come out of Gon Freecss than Killua Zoldyck could. Gon had always been a generally energetic child and even now, he was a young adult who still struggled to keep still. But the silver-haired moonbeam that walked into the room could captivate him like no other. 

Killua’s shoulders were held high and he seemed calm. He looked at him with a friendly smile that make his heart stop.

That was another thing, this Killua was much easier to make smile, and every time it set Gon’s heart into a frenzy. 

“Put on a jacket, I want to take you somewhere.”

//

As they walked quietly towards who knew where, it took only a few minutes to figure out how to match their pace. Gon usually kept up a fast pace when he walked, but even he couldn’t keep up with Killua’s long strides. 

When Klliua finally noticed that he was basically jogging to keep up, he slowed his pace mumbling an apology under his breath.

Killua at last stopped at what seemed to be an abandoned warehouse. Gon raised an eyebrow at him.

“You know, if you were going to kill me, you didn’t have to take me so far to do it.”

“What?” Killua asked, slightly offended.

“Sorry, it was a bad joke, it's something I’d imagine you’d say.” Gon rubbed his neck, kicking himself at his lousy attempt to keep the mood light. 

“Hmph… Well, you’re wrong because I wouldn’t speak, I’d get as far away first, then decide what to do about the situation. It’s also bold of you to assume that someone could kill me.” Killua crossed his arms, and Gon was relieved when he saw that Killua was only teasing him.

“Actually I’m gonna have to agree with you there. I truly don’t think there’s anyone in this world that could put a scratch on you, much less kill you”

“Oh be quiet, you know as well as I do that there are definitely people who could do much more than scratch me. Let’s go inside.” Killua replied, rolling his eyes, but Gon could tell he was pleased by his comment.

Killua pushed the steel doors open, talking as they walked. Killua managed to lead them through the Labyrinth in the dark, with no light to guide. Every misshaped object, every clump of trash on the floor, he avoided. He shouldn’t be surprised that he had the place mapped out. Gon only knew where to go because he was following Killua’s voice.

“So… why did we come into a random warehouse?”

“To talk.”

“And we couldn’t have done this at your place... because?”

“I can’t exactly let you be near my sisters until I’m sure”

“Sure of what?”

Killua replied by opening a squeaky door and walking inside. 

Gon heard him rummaging through the room before a low hiss filled the room and a flare lit up their surroundings. Now Gon knew they were back in the room he had woken up earlier in the afternoon. So this was where he had been kept. Killua had taken him on a different path last time which is why it had taken him so long to recognize his surroundings.

Now Killua pulled up the chairs from earlier and dragged them, making them face each other. Killua sat, crossing his leg over his knee and motioning him to sit as well. 

“Okay,” Killua sighed, “what do you want with us?”

“...What do you mean?” Gon was genuinely confused. 

“I mean... Why have you been looking for us, did something happen?”

In all of the situations Gon had imagined when they finally got together, this part never occurred in the thousands of scripts he had ready. Maybe convincing Killua to let him join would be even harder than he thought. Killua didn’t even know why he had come in the first place.

Gon felt himself flush as his brain scrambled for the right thing to say.

“No, no! Everyone is okay, as far as I know. Kurapika is doing some bodyguard job and Leorio is using his medical license to help all over the world.”

Killua seemed both relieved and pleased. Had he really been expecting bad news? Had he not been keeping up with their friends? When was the last time they had talked?

“Then what’s up? Did you need help?”

Killua didn’t say this with any malice, as a matter of fact, he seemed genuinely curious if a bit concerned. Still, Gon felt shame that Killua only thought he’d come for him because he needed something. 

“Actually, I wanted to join you... if that’s okay with you two of course.”

Gon fiddled with his hands but was determined to have his eyes glued on Killua’s. Now the silver-haired man was the one to seem confused.

“What do you mean? We don’t exactly have a destination or mission for you to join.”

“You do,” Gon rushed to explain, to try to convince Killua before he said no, before he could finish his explanation. “You want to protect Alluka and I want to help!”

Gon expected the skeptical look in Killua’s eyes, but it still stung. “Gon, I know you are very strong and very perceptive, as well as adept in battle strategy, but you have to remember... I’m going against Nen users. My family… no, Illumi will not hesitate to take you down in order to get to Alluka. I can’t have my mind occupied on both of you if something were to happen.”

“Killua I can protect myself, I can help protect both of you. Please I’ve been training this whole time to get good enough to be able to help you.” He didn’t want to beg but he feared that’s exactly what he was starting to sound like.

“Gon if you feel like you owe me anything, you don’t. This is what friends do for each other. I’m not going to have you with us for you to get killed again.” 

Now Killua was frustrated and he felt the static under his skin grow with his agitation.

“Please Killua, I’m not like that anymore, at least give me a chance before you decide this.”

“Okay then“ Killua sighed. “But I won't go easy on you. And this is only the first part. I still need a better reason for you to come with us other than just because you want to. I don’t need to explain to you how important this is. Then you still have to talk to Alluka and Nanika and convince them, I’m not going to plead your case either. If you think you can face my family without nen, maybe I just have to remind you what it's like. You have eight minutes. If I manage to get the chain around your throat, you have to let go of this and go home.”

“Okay.” Gon prepared himself. He had to do this. He had to prove himself, especially after the mess he made with the Needleman. This was perfect actually, because Killua was much better skilled at killing than at fighting. He was by no means lacking in skill, Killua excelled at everything he did. But in making this a match not of death but of control and fighting skills as well as strategy, Killua put himself at a handicap. Because now he had to focus all of his attention to making sure he did not go too far. He had to fight against his training for going for the killing blow while Gon could go all out, only refraining from actually injuring his friend. 

Gon smiled. 

“Then the first move is yours.”


	7. Shooting Star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all's comments were so nice ohmygod I'm so happy y'all enjoy this. Honestly, this is the longest fic I've ever written and I'm pretty proud.
> 
> Anyway here's the new chapter, thanks to LemonFroggy for proofreading my work because I'm only a chaotic gay who commits every error possible. 
> 
> You can't see me but I'm holding a small wooden frog and I am happy, enjoy (again I'm so sorry if they seem OOC, they're just already so confident that I think that would only grow with time).

_ “Then the first move is yours.” _

Killua smiled back, the competition making the atmosphere tense. Killua only rolled his neck once before he pounced.

But Gon was already on the rafters up above. He stifled a fake yawn. “Oh Killua, I thought you said you wouldn’t go easy on me”

Killua scrunched his nose in annoyance but gave a small laugh at the banter. Though this was high stakes, it felt nice to go against each other like old times. 

“Oh, it was only a test run, I had to make sure you still had decent reflexes.”

Killua jumped and was next to him at an instant. He reached for the chain under his shirt but Gon was already on the floor once more. “I’d give that one a six I guess,” Killua said as he pretended to examine the smallest finger whose nail he had elongated to cut the chain from his neck.

“Please” Gon huffed but the amusement in his tone gave him away, “That was a solid nine and you know it.”

“Of course you’d give yourself that rank, now thinking of it better, I give it a four.”

Gon gasped and stuck out his tongue at him. “Well then, if my reflexes are so bad, it's sort of disappointing that this chain is still on my neck.”

Now it was Killua who gasped in indignation and the game truly began in earnest. There was a barrage of blows from both men. Killua kept trying to take him off his balance and knock him down but Gon managed to evade at the last second. 

If Gon wasn’t using his every breath to continue this fight, he would have laughed. He had had tough and relentless teachers through the years but none would ever compete with Killua. No, Killua was a whirlwind Gon was barely managing to block. He had hoped he’d be able to keep distance between them, but once Killua got serious, this was no longer possible. 

It was at the seven-minute mark that it happened. 

Gon had managed to evade Killua’s kick at his ankles by jumping into the air. But this was exactly what Killua had been expecting. He’d realized his error too late. Gon had managed to almost make it out of the way of the yoyo that was barreling towards him, but it still managed to clip his ribs. He had no idea what the toy was made out of but he knew that it would leave a nasty bruise for the rest of the month. 

But this was not all. Before he could tell what had happened he was on the floor in pain, all of his neurons screaming for help.  _ Clever Killua _ , Gon thought between spasms. He should have been more careful. Up until then, Killua had tried to use his nen but only a limited amount, hiding what he could really do, but Gon hadn’t allowed him to touch him on his bare skin. Of course, the nen still hurt him when Killua touched his clothes but it was much more bearable. 

It was because of this that Gon knew Killua wasn’t using his full force. He should have been able to debilitate him without using enough electricity to kill him. He’d seen it firsthand when Killua had fought against Riehlvelt. He should be able to carry much more electricity on him now than he had back then. 

Back in Heaven's arena, Killua had even warned him himself that Gon wouldn’t be able to handle as much electricity as he had. To not even try. Then why? Why was Killua being so lenient?

Of course, because Killua knew Gon had no nen to defend himself with.

Suddenly the fun of their game seemed to rush out of the room. Now Killua stood above him, sadness in his eyes. “I tried to tell you Gon, now-”

Gon took Killua’s distraction to his advantage. He swiped his legs under him and slammed the man on the floor, caging him in with his knees on his arms and his two blades pressed against Killua’s throat. 

//

For a moment, none of them moved, both taking in what had happened. It was the loud chiming of the phone alerting that time was indeed up, that brought them back. Gon slowly got off of him and sheathed his blades. He stretched out a hand to Killua who still lay on the floor, the tips of his ears a bright crimson.

Though he accepted the hand, Killua seethed. 

“That was not fair, Illumi would have never talked long enough to give you a chance to pull that move.”

“Then good thing you told me to fight you instead of Illumi,” Gon smiled, but it quickly faded once he realized that Killua was genuinely upset. 

“Gon I can’t let you come out of a technicality. What I’m doing is dangerous and means the world to me, I can’t let you come because you feel like you owe me something, or just because you like the challenge.”

“That's not it.” Now Gon was mad. How could Killua not see?

“Then what is it?” Killua crossed his arms.

“I made a promise, one that I intend to keep.”

“What are you talking about?” Killua replied, frustration evident in his voice.

“I made a promise during the hunter exam to Ilumi-”

“Illumi?” Killua must not have heard right because this just made less and less sense. 

“Yes.” Gon looked at him with a fire in his eyes. “I told him that I wouldn’t let him or your family ever see you again for what they did to you. That I would never forgive them for what they made you do.” Now he looked down, almost as if ashamed. “But I wasn’t there, I couldn’t be. And now you’ve been running all these years having to take on this burden on your own-”

“Alluka is  _ not  _ a burden,” Killua snapped.

“I know she’s not. But a fourteen-year-old was not prepared to become a father. Especially after just getting out of a war.”

“You were the same age, I don’t see what the difference would have been. Besides, she is my sister, my responsibility. I understand you feel obligated because I’ve helped you and I know how much weight you put behind your promises bu-”

“It's not just that,” Gon argued, “yes it’s also Illumi’s promise but I also wanted to be there for you. And I know I wouldn’t have been much help at first, even if I had kept my nen. I never had siblings, it was always just me, so trust me I know I can never relate to your feelings towards Alluka and Nanika. Hell, I never had anyone to interact with before you, but still. You wouldn't have had to do this alone. That is what haunted me. You’ve always had to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders Killua. I should have been there to lessen that pressure, even if by only a fraction.”

Killua didn't know how to respond to that. He couldn’t believe he never knew. About anything. About his promise to Illumi. He had hoped Gon missed him as much as he missed him during their separation, but he didn't realize that not being with him to help had been causing him anguish. That as much as Killua had been scared for his well being, Gon had been spending the same time worrying not only on their physical state but on Killua’s mental state as well.

It was too much. He needed to get out of here. Everything seemed to shrink and he could feel the electricity under his skin begging to be let out. 

He began to walk towards the door before he looked behind him. 

Gon looked devastated. Killua suddenly realized that Gon probably thought that he’d heard enough and was about to leave. 

“Let’s continue this on the roof, the walls are suffocating me in here.” 

Gon sagged in relief and nodded, giving him a small smile as he followed Killua.

//

The warehouse was dirty and very obviously not maintained where Killua did not tend to be. Whereas the room they’d been in was clean and uncluttered, the rest of the warehouse was covered in litter and broken glass. 

“Sorry for the mess.” Killua scratched his head and seemed to be embarrassed “I only come this way to go to the roof, so I didn’t think there was much need to clean it all up.”

Gon laughed, “you also probably didn't plan on staying here long, if you spent your time cleaning out entire buildings for every place you two have stayed at you’d never get to rest.”

Killua only laughed in agreement. 

Gon couldn’t stop thinking about the little head-scratching mannerism that Killua had done. It was probably a little silly but Gon felt his heartbeat go a little faster. Because Killua wasn’t the one who scratched his head, it was him. Had Killua picked that up from him? 

It was something small but it gave him hope.

Hope for what, he still did not know.

Soon enough they reached the end of the hall. Gon knew they were getting close because Killua seemed to relax the more they approached the place he was taking them.

There was an old ladder that led to a small metal door to the top. Killua looked back at him once, flashing him a mischievous smile before he began climbing the ladder. It creaked and groaned under his weight and there were several times Gon thought the ladder would break under him, but Killua made it to the top.

Killua then popped his head back into view and raised an eyebrow. “Scared?”

Gon only smiled at him and began climbing. 

At one point, one of the rungs came loose under his foot and Gon simply shrugged as it fell. The poor dented piece of metal clattered on the concrete floor and Killua gave him a judging look. 

“You come to  _ my  _ warehouse to break  _ my _ ladder?” He tisked at him. But Gon knew he was only joking.

“Technically it's not your warehouse, you just hang out here.”

“Oh yes it is, I found it first, so it's mine” Killua crossed his arms.

“Well I can't argue against that” Gon chuckled as he joined his best friend, who had moved away from the hatch to sit on the edge of the roof. 

For being such a wreck, the warehouse had a great view. Now he knew why Killua must have chosen this building out of all of them.

The building was much higher than the others, and the view of the city's lights was incredible.

They sat in silence, both looking at the city below them. 

Gon couldn’t help but think of his loved ones. What was everyone else doing right now? Was Mito at home worried for him? Was Leorio already asleep, exhausted after getting home from a long day at work? Was Kurapika staring at his roof, unable to sleep? What was Kite doing now that he was alone?

They were fine, he would know otherwise. He had to believe that.

Gon had not paid much attention to the city this morning, he had only planned on passing through this town after dealing with Illumi’s pawns. Now he could fully admire the beauty of the place. Many homes had small gardens on their roofs that were lush with vegetation. The climate was warm even though it was already getting darker by the minute. The benefit of living in a seaside town. This he knew from having grown up in the tropical climate of Whale Island. 

As he saw the specs of people passing far below, Gon wondered what they would see if they happened to look up. What would the people of this town think of the two men sitting on the roof? Would they think of them as meddling teens who had snuck in? Or maybe even as ghosts from the past?

Now he turned to Killua. He seemed much calmer than he had when they were inside. He was no longer agitated and he had a contemplative look as he looked into town. What could possibly be going through his head? Gon would give anything to take a glance at the million miles a minute that Gon knew Killua’s brain worked at.

Gon was awestruck looking at him. The moon made his hair shine like thinly woven strands of polished silver. Gon wished he had brought his sketchbook so he could have captured this moment. With Killua relaxed and glowing from the inside out like a star brought to earth. 

He had lost track of how long he’d been staring at his friend when Killua spoke up, breaking him out of his trance. 

“Gon why do you really want to come?” he spoke softly, but Gon had heard him.

“I know it's because of this promise, but I’m telling you, you don’t have to do that. I know you’re very goal-driven, but was this really the only reason you spent this whole time training?” Killua didn’t look at him, but Gon knew that his next words would mean a lot in whether he was allowed to come with them or not.

More than ever Gon wanted to tell Killua the truth. Wanted to hold his hand and look him in the eyes and tell him everything. That he’d been in love with him for years. That while he did want to be here because Killua had always done so much for him and Gon wanted to be there for him as well to return the favor, it was also so much more. Killua had been his first friend. Had been through his side at it all. Though his worst moments, Killua had stayed, had risked himself, had been his guiding light. He’d been his rock, his closest confidant, the boy of his dreams.

Gon was in love with him and wanted to scream it at the universe. He wanted to make Killua smile and laugh and help him feel safer, to help take the pressure off. Gon wanted to be at his side when he had to face his family because Gon knew that despite everything they’d done and continued to do, Killua still loved his family, and facing them would take its toll on him.

There were a million things he could say. He could spend all night listing his reasons. But he couldn’t. As much as he hated lying and hiding things, especially with Killua, he needed to. Because this isn't about him, he needed to remind himself. This was about Killua, and Gon would never want to make his friend uncomfortable. They were barely beginning their path towards rekindling their friendship and this was not the time nor the place to mention this. 

Never again did Gon want to be as he was before. Only thinking of the moment. He did not know what Killua felt at all about him. He didn’t want to scare his friend away or even pressure him into saying something he didn’t mean. Because the Killua he remembered tended to cave into his wishes and Gon did not want that. It made him want to puke just thinking about Killua acting as if he returned his feelings just to keep their friendship or just so Gon wouldn’t feel bad.

So Gon went in with the safe answer.

“Because you’re my best friend Killua. At least you were and I’d still like you to be.” Gon laughed nervously and tugged at his hair. “I know we’ve been apart for some time, but” He looked at Killua, who he now realized had been watching him this whole time “I want to get to know you again, I can tell that you’re different, and not in a bad way!” Gon rushed as Killua scrunched up his nose. 

“I just… I’ve been calling you my best friend this whole time we were apart, but I haven't met the you that you are right now. And I’d really like to... if you’d let me of course.”

Killua said nothing at first, only lay down with his arms behind his head and stared at the sky. Gon followed suit after a moment.

They were close, but far enough where Gon couldn’t feel Killua’s body heat. 

“I know you don't mind, and even like diving headfirst into danger, but this mission will not be comfortable Gon. We are constantly on the run, and I know we can't do this forever. Or we could, but that's not what I want for Alluka. It’s not what she deserves.” He paused and said in a low voice, “It’s also not what I want.”

“I care for her too you know.” 

“What?”

“Alluka. And Nanika. I want to be here for you, but I’m not _ only  _ doing this for you. I may have not known them for a long time, but I still want her to be free to live as they want.” Gon picked at his cuticles to avoid having to look at Killua; “When both of you took off, those letters you would both send helped a lot, more than you could imagine. It kept me grounded, filled me with hope. I’ve read all your letters more than I’d like to admit. It was Alluka and Nanika’s kind words that would snap me out of some pretty bad moments.”

Killua would write the letters with both of his sisters, they always wanted to send things to Gon. He even knew that sometimes they would leave little posts-its that he wasn’t allowed to read. He knew Gon cared for her. It wasn't that he didn’t believe it. It was one of the things he loved about him, that he cared for everyone he met. It was more that he hadn't realized how much he cared for his sisters. Something in his chest grew warm at the thought. That Gon genuinely cared for his sisters and wanted to protect them.

“If Alluka or Nanika heard you say that, I honestly think they would both cry.”

Gon looked alarmed at this and Killua couldn’t help but give out a weak laugh.

“Of happiness of course. Alluka would probably embroider you a million designs on all your shirts and Nanika would blister her hands making you a thousand paintings.” Now he grew quiet, “I know you know this but I have to remind you. We’re not just going against Illumi. We’re going against my whole family. I don’t even know all their abilities either so there’s only so much to prepare for.”

//

Gon sighed and closed his eyes, shutting out the bright light of the stars. “Would you have me If I could prove that I could be helpful?”

“Gon.” 

He hummed and waited for him to continue, but Killua said nothing so he looked over. 

He was surprised to see Killua propped up on his elbow looking at him with his halo of silver hair around him and his eyebrows furrowed. He truly did look like an avenging angel and Gon had to keep himself from gasping. He was weak for him, this he knew, but  _ wow _ . Just _ wow. _

“I don't need you to be useful for me to want you there. I need you to know that. We may not know each other as much as we did before, but I have never needed a reason for you to be there.”

Gon was so shocked that at first he didn’t know what to say. The Killua of before would have never said this, much less while looking at him. His ears still turned pink, but Killua wore a smile and Gon knew that this Killua would be the death of him. And as much as Gon had tried to work through this, he still couldn't help the blooming in his chest as he drank in the validation Killua was giving him. He never knew how much he needed Killua to say these exact words before the words had already disappeared into the air. Gon wished he could hold the words, keep them deep within him and play it again and again.

“But as much as I hate this, I can’t put my sisters at risk. I can’t put you at risk. I need to know that you can keep up in a fight, or at minimum be able to defend yourself enough to leave.”

Gon nodded and sat up enthusiastically. The smile on his face was hurting his cheeks but he didn’t care. He hadn’t planned on revealing this now, but Killua’s words had encouraged him. 

Mirroring Gon, Killua sat up, and now both boys faced each other with their legs crossed.

“That I can do! Killua may I hold your hands?”

“What? Why?” While Killua didn’t shrink back, his eyes had gotten as round as saucers and his ears were brighter than before. 

“I can prove to you that I’m strong enough but I have to touch you to make sure I do it right.” 

Killua looked suspicious, but he held out his hands, curiosity winning. 

Gon’s smile widened more if that was even possible, and he grabbed onto Killua’s hands.

He was nervous. He hoped his hands wouldn’t start sweating or do anything else that would embarrass him. 

Killua’s hands were soft and warm. He wanted to spend hours looking at his hands. At memorizing the slivers of scar tissue that snaked across his hands. Years of learning, of torture and training, of Killuas history, and his hands could give him a glance of his lifetime of pain. Gon wanted to kiss every centimeter of his scars. To hear every story and learn everything he could about the man he loved.

But Gon couldn’t get distracted. He wanted to close his eyes but he wanted to see Killua’s reaction. 

Gon slowly allowed the liquid-like substance to first cover him, then envelop Killua, not wanting to scare him. 

This of course did not work.

//

Killua yelped and jumped back as if Gon had burned him.

It was nen. He’d been covered in nen. But how? Who?

He looked around wildly looking to see from where it could have possibly come from because _ this wasn’t possible _ . 

“That wasn’t you. Who did that?” Killua knew the answer but he needed to hear it for himself. He knew Gon would never pull out an elaborate stunt like this as some sort of cruel joke.

“It was me.” Gon hoped he looked as honest as was trying to convey with his palms out and still in his crossed position on the floor.

Now Killua rushed at him, sitting in front of him, scooting in as far as he could before grabbing his hands. 

Gon flushed at this, and Killua did as well a second after he realized what he was doing. But he pushed on. This was too important for anything else to matter. 

“Do it again.”

“O-okay Killua.”

Once again Killua was slowly enveloped by the viscous feeling of nen covering his body. 

Killua’s mind was racing a mile a minute. He didn't know whether he should laugh or scream. He wanted to pull out his hair but dance as well. 

Gon had his nen back!

Gon had his nen back.

His mind couldn’t accept this. On one hand, Killua had hoped Gon never got his nen back only because he wouldn't be able to put himself in dangerous situations again. It was selfish and he felt guilty, but he was only able to sleep at night because he assumed Gon was safe at home this whole time, being able to hone only his body and nothing else.

What had he been doing this whole time with nen? What situations had he been in that he didn't know about? Killua now scanned his face, his body, looking for scars, for any injuries he’d missed. But he couldn’t see much of his skin. 

At the same time, Killua had worried that if something were to happen to Gon, if someone decided to go after him, he wouldn't be able to defend himself. How many dreams had he had of people hurting, bruising, torturing Gon with him unable to do anything other than scream and cry?

This was good right? Gon could now protect himself. He could now come with him. 

But all Killua could see was Gon with Pitou. No matter how hard he tried, the scene was playing on a loop in his head.

It took him a few seconds to realize that Gon was lightly shaking him, a worried expression on his face. It took even longer to realize what he was saying.

“Killua? Killua please, talk to me.”

Killua looked down when he realized how hard he was gripping Gon’s hands.

He winced and tried to pull away when he saw that his nails were out and Gon was covered in small cuts that were bleeding lightly.

Gon held him tight and Killua looked up. “Gon please let me go”

“Oh yeah sorry.” Gon quickly released him, embarrassed.

“Do you want to talk about it or do you want a distraction?” Gon asked.

“What?”

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I can tell you a story or something to take your mind off of it if you really want.”

Had this been under different circumstances, Killua would have melted, but right now his mind was still too frazzled. “Just... just give me a minute please”

“Okay” After a beat, he continued, “Can I hold your hands?” Gon looked down and played with the hem of his shirt, seemingly speaking to the floor.

“No. I hurt you. I’m sorry. Jus-”

“No,” Gon exclaimed, “you pulled away when you first zoned out, but then you took out your nails and you started digging them into your thighs. I only got these” he motioned to the small cuts on the back of his hand, “because I was trying to peel your fingers off of yourself. You tried to do it again but I put my hand there first. You only stopped when I held them. So please, can I?”

Killua looked at his thighs. He had been so focused on Gon’s hands he hadn’t even thought to check himself. Now he noticed the strips of cloth soaked in blood on his thighs.

Looking at him again Killua noticed that Gon was in his undershirt and his jacket, his shirt in tatters on the floor, having been used as a makeshift bandage. 

Wordlessly Killua brought back his nails and gave his hands to Gon. It did feel better to have his hands held, though he wouldn’t tell that to Gon. It served as a sort of anchor to the world, so he wouldn’t fade out like that again. 

After taking some time to compose himself, taking deep breaths to calm down, Killua slowly opened his eyes. Gon’s eyes were closed. He seemed to be meditating. The sight was so odd, but in a good way, that Killua allowed himself a moment to observe before he broke the silence.

“Gon, I’m sorry”

Gon’s eyes snapped open in an instant, a confused look forming on his face. 

“For what?”

“For…” Why was he apologizing? Because he felt guilty that he hoped his nen would never return? That he was terrified to think about all their years apart? That Gon saw him harm himself? For? For? For?

Killua Sighed. “I’m sorry I reacted that way and that you had to see that.”

“There's no need to apologize.” Gon gave him an understanding smile, but there was sadness and guilt in his eyes as well.

“I know why… why it would be upsetting to learn that I have my nen again. Especially for you.” Gon began to rub soothing circles on the back of his hand, no doubt to give himself something to do. “I was going to put it off till later, but I didn’t think that was fair to you. I’m just happy I could be here for you, even if it was only to hold your hand.”

Gon continued, “But Killua… I promise I’m different. I know I don't exactly have the best track record in our years together to prove that to you, but I hope that now I can show you that I would never do that again.” His voice cracked on the last word and Gon looked away. Now it was Killua who rubbed Gon’s hands in comfort.

In any other situation, this would not have happened. Not only because they were practically strangers now, but because they had never been like this in the first place. Gon had been the more physical one, quick to throw an arm around him and drag him places by the wrist. Killua had also learned to be more open with physical affection but he had still been hesitant. Even then he had known how he felt about Gon. But on this roof, where they had been more honest to each other about their thoughts and emotions than they had ever been, it felt as if they were in their own bubble. It was intimate and warm, a space where they were free to share everything, and Killua didn't want this moment to end, for their bubble to pop. 

Gon took a deep breath. 

“I’ll let you try.” Killua breathed out.

Gon looked at him, the hope evident in his eyes. 

“But listen to me Gon. I’ve been doing this for years, and I’m the one that knows how to deal with my family. If I tell you to do something, you do it. If I tell you to stop, you stop. If we do this, we’re gonna be a team this time. An equal team. We consult each other before making a decision. The second I feel like you’re putting yourself in unnecessary danger and you’re not listening, you're out. You can go back home or wherever you were before and you can't come again until I settle this with my family. Do you understand me?” Killua squeezed his hands willing Gon to be serious, for him to understand how serious he was about this even if it tore him to shreds to say this. “I- I can’t do that again Gon. I can’t survive it a second time.”

“I wouldn’t do that to you again Killua.” Gon looked remorseful and Killua could almost believe that he had changed, that he would be different now, but Killua also knew that Gon made different decisions in the moment. He couldn’t let himself hope too much until he saw it with his own eyes. Because no matter how much Killua fought against it, Illumi’s training would always be in his mind, haunting him.

“I need to hear you say it. That you agree. To all of it.”

Gon scooted closer, their knees touching, both of them still grasping each other's hands. 

“I agree. I’ll do it all and go home the moment you think I’m not keeping my end of the deal.” 

Killua relaxed and he slowly let go of Gon’s hands. He then decided he was tired of sitting and lay down to look at the stars.

Gon followed his lead and lay next to him. Their shoulders were separated by only a few inches. Killua could feel the heat radiating off of Gon. It was nice if he could admit it to himself. 

“It’s almost like that one night on Whale Island,” Killua muttered. 

Killua wasn’t looking at him but he could tell that Gon was smiling. 

“You remember that?” Gon seemed to be pleased by this.

“Of course. It’s one of my favorite memories.”

“Mine too.” Gon whispered.

And as they both looked at the stars, the night was almost as magical as it was back then.

The wind was light and the night was warm. They were laying closer than they had then, but they were no longer as close as they’d been at that moment. But maybe they could be. They could be a better version of what they had had then.

The silence was comfortable and as he saw a shooting star dash across the sky, Killua closed his eyes and wished that the small selfish desire in his heart would come true. That no matter what happened, he and Gon could stay together. Even if it was only as friends. That would always be enough as long as Gon was in his life.

//

“Killua?”

He hummed, content to be with his best friend once more under the safety of the stars.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course” Killua responded. 

“Why didn’t you text me?” 

Guilt racked up in him, souring the moment of tranquility and contentedness that had been in the air only moments before. “I throw out my phone after every new place we visit. I had your phone number memorized but I didn't want to risk it.’

Gon kicked his feet in the air, having them dangled over the edge of the roof as they lay together. “I assumed as much, but it was nice to hear a confirmation that you didn’t hate me, or that you forgot about me.”

Killua's head snapped to the side to look at his friend. Gon kept staring into the horizon, but his eyebrows were tense. No doubt he had fought against himself against letting that piece of information out.

“Gon..” He trailed off, trying to find the right words. Gon looked to him, the vulnerability in the tan man’s face evident, despite the set of his shoulders becoming a little tense again. It almost seemed like he was preparing himself to deal with a physical blow.

“I couldn’t hate you. Despite everything that we’ve gone through... I couldn’t hate you. Yes, you have made me mad, and have worried me half to death more times than I could possibly count and we have so much we needed to deal with,” He gave a dry chuckle at that, “But no, I did not hate you. I still don't, I really don’t think I could.” 

Now it was Killuas turn to look at the sky. He noticed the constellations in the sky and traced a few with his eyes before he continued. “There were so many times I wanted to call you. To send you a picture of something I knew you’d like, or that I thought was cool. I wanted to send you texts, and write back to you. Had it just been me I would have broken long ago.” Now he looked at Gon “But I would never risk Alluka or Nanika, I hope you know that.”

Gon gave him a soft smile that sent Killua’s heart to start beating faster. “I would never want you to put her life at risk either. It still feels nice to have confirmation.”

Killua smiled. He knew Gon was telling the truth.

After a while, their comfortable silence was once again broken by Gon.

“Killua?”

Killua glanced at him from the corner of his eye and saw that Gon was on his side facing him, watching him. The silver-haired man hadn’t noticed when the other man had shifted not only his gaze but his body from the sky to him. He felt the slightest of warmth in his face. Even after all these years, his body relaxed around Gon as it only ever did with Alluka. To have something go unnoticed for him was rare. It was only these two that could allow him to lower his guard enough for things like this to happen.

Killua hummed as he turned his body to match Gon.

“Could we talk about it?”

Killua felt his body tense. “Which part?”

“Everything, we never really talked about it. I have so many questions.”

“Can we not?” 

Gon’s face remained the same but Killua could see his eyes as they became sad and even a little disappointed.

“Not ever? Killu-”

“No! We can do that later” Killua rushed to explain, feeling scared as he felt Gon pulling away from him. “Can we just not do it now?” He winced and looked down at his hand. “We have been apart for too long. I want to have one night of it being like old times. One night of just us, I want to pretend for one night that we’re normal, and watch the stars like we did on Whale Island.”

Gon laughed, relaxing. “Even then we were far from normal Killua.”

Killua looked up once more, glad that Gon was warming back up. “I know that, but you know what I mean.”

Gon hummed and looked up thoughtfully. He remained quiet for a moment, lost in his thoughts before he looked at Killua once more.

“Okay, Killua. We don’t have to talk tonight.” He then lay on his back once more, facing the stars, taking pressure off Killua to respond. He appreciated the gesture, even if he felt a little cold without the little bubble they’d created.

He too lay on his side again, folding his arms under this head to watch the stars that seemed to be extra bright tonight. As if the stars were putting on a show just for them.

“Killua... Do you remember my necklace?”

“I mean I was just trying to rip it off your throat only a few minutes ago, so yes, I do.”

Killua could see a light blush on Gon’s cheek as Gon hesitated for a few seconds before sitting up. Killua sat up as well to meet him.

Now Gon dipped his hands under his shirt and pulled the necklace with the little robot over his head. 

“I meant the actual piece, not the chain.” He replied dryly. “Anyways, I want you to have this.”

Killua blinked. 

“Why?” He was perplexed albeit a little flustered. 

Gon looked shy, which was still an odd expression to see on his face, but only gave him more of a reason to feel nervous. This meant something to Gon. What exactly he did not know.

“It was sort of a promise I made to myself?” He scratched his head and gave him a nervous smile. “That I would give this to you when I finally managed to find you. At first, it was just my excuse? That I meant to give this back to you when we were in Doli City, but you took off. But now…” 

Gon fiddled with the golden robot in his hands. “Kite was one of the first people I went to train with. I know you don’t want to talk about anything right now! This story has a point to it I swear.”

“In the beginning, it was really hard to talk about even the smallest of things. So Kite and I came up with a system. Since I never really took this off he thought we should decide on a location where I could leave this in case I wanted to talk. It didn’t have to be anything really deep. A nightmare I had, a worry, anything I wanted to bring up he would drop everything once he saw the robot to talk. It helped me to know that I wouldn’t be forced to talk. That I could have control over how things happened. We ended up deciding to put it on the kitchen table. So anytime the little robot was on there, Kite knew I wanted to talk. Maybe we could do the same?”

Now he looked to Killua with such hope in his eyes. He truly wanted this then. To talk. And he was offering Killua the power to decide when and if they talked. Killua could simply accept the robot and then hide it, or throw it away, and seeing Gon, Killua knew he would never bring it up again. But this was so unexpected, so new that Killua felt pleasantly surprised on uncertain territory. 

That Gon would be patient with him, to take the backseat and have him be in control of something he wasn't ready to face was… nice. Killua felt his heart melt a little. Because although all the therapy group sessions had helped, it was sort of cheating. Because he was oversharing with people who didn't matter to him. He didn't care if they judged him. They were all people he knew he would never see again.

And Killua had begun to open up to his sisters, but again, they were his sisters. They loved him, and he loved them, and he now knew that there was nothing they could do or say that would make the other leave. But still, Killua didn’t tell his little sisters everything. He still tried to protect them from some memories. Some he just couldn’t speak of. Most he sugar-coated to not make them worry too much.

But here was Gon, someone who was so special to him even all these years later. Someone who’s changing their opinion of him would hurt. It would be devastating. Here was someone he actually cared about. Could Killua take this step? Of opening his heart to someone who had hurt him, even if it wasn’t with that intention? 

Killua reached for the necklace silently and placed it on his own neck. The metal of the robot was still warm from being against Gon’s skin. The necklace was longer on his neck and the unfamiliar weight would need to get used to, but it was nice. Killua tucked it under his shirt and he swore he saw Gon breathe easier.

He had most likely expected Killua to turn him away. And Killua knew he had a good reason to believe that. Both boys had been terrible at communicating. They had done everything possible in their power to hide away their emotions, fears, and pain. Maybe this could be the first step to becoming better together. It was a risk Killua was ready to take, even if the possibilities for this going wrong and leaving them worse off seemed endless.

Even though Killua knew Gon did not mean this in any significant way, in any way Killua wanted him to mean at least, it still made him blush to have something of Gon’s around his neck to keep.

“Gon, can we stay up here a little longer?”

“Killua I'll stay as long as you want me to.” 

Killua flushed, knowing that Gon didn’t mean that only for the present time, but into the future as well.

Killua said nothing but bumped his shoulder.

_ But Gon… What if I want you to stay forever? _

He groaned internally as he sent his sister a text saying they’d be a few hours late.

Alluka would never let him live this down. 


	8. Bandaid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YALL WERE SO NICE OHMYGOD I LOVE YALL, here’s a long chapter to celebrate!! 
> 
> Hope y’all had great holiday, and if you don’t celebrate, I still hope y’all had amazing days :)
> 
> Holidays had me crazy but here it is!! 
> 
> Thank you LemonFroggy for checking out my mess!!!

Gon woke up to unfamiliar surroundings. This wasn’t exactly new to him. He had been traveling for the past years to train with Kite, Bisky, and others. He’d even gone back to Wing and Zushi, his former teacher giving him a swift beating after learning about his condition and how he’d gotten that way. But his body knew he’d stopped with the training so his different surroundings didn’t exactly make sense. And as he instinctively reached for his phone he became painfully aware that someone was next to him. 

With ruffled silver hair pooled around him, spread out diagonally across the bed was Killua.

Gon felt like he was caught doing something bad. His face was burning and he swore his heart would stop. The pale youth’s arm was thrown across him and Gon was at the corner of the bed about ready to fall off with the Zoldyck heir pushing him to the corner.

He couldn’t help but feel the thin layer of aura that was wrapped around Killua. He felt the corners of his lips turn down at this. He didn’t understand why Killua would do this. Was it because he was next to him? Was he keeping his guard up since he was sleeping next to him?

That couldn’t be, he convinced himself. Otherwise, the pale teen wouldn't have felt comfortable enough to move closer to him, much less fling his arm over him.

Killua might have interesting sleeping positions, but the assassin training he’d been through wouldn't allow him to be this relaxed to someone he considered a threat. Right?

It was almost an oxymoron. Having Killuas calm face be bathed by the soft light of the morning, his mouth slightly parted while he protected himself with aura, even if it was the smallest amount. 

Then he remembered the day before. The boat, seeing Killua again, his lookalike, Alluka, the fight, showing Killua his nen. 

Showing Killua his nen. 

Gon dragged a palm across his face and suppressed a groan. 

He had felt terrified when Killua’s eyes had stopped seeing him. His mind had gone somewhere else. Before he knew it, Killua’s nails were out and he was hurting himself. He couldn’t help it. Gon had been doing his best to not touch Killua unless he asked for permission, but Killua was out of it and he couldn’t just sit there while his best friend hurt himself. Especially since he seemed to be unable to hear him.

He was expecting mostly a negative reaction, but he’d never seen Killua act like that. 

Gon knew exactly what Killua was worried about when he told his friend about his nen returning. Gon saw the same scene in his nightmares over the years, as he knew Killua did, even if he hoped that wasn’t the case.

He’d prove it to Killua. He never wanted him to worry again. At least about him. 

The rest of the night had been pleasant. They’d lain together and watched the stars, occasionally breaking the silence to point out constellations they had invented.

The Whale Island star. The happiness star. The idiot star. And so on.

They’d gone back to the apartment together, the air more pleasant than it had been when they had first arrived. It was a small step, but Gon counted it as a win. Even better, Killua had said yes! Now he just needed to prove himself to Alluka and Nanika.

When they had arrived, the sun was starting to rise and it settled in for both of them that Gon had to sleep somewhere. 

“I-I can just sleep on the couch!”

“Don’t be silly, it gets cold at night and we don’t have enough blankets to keep you warm” 

“You can just sleep in my bed tonight, we leave tomorrow anyway, we’ll just get you a bed when we get the next apartment. It’s not like we haven’t shared a bed before.” Killua didn’t look away but he rubbed his neck, the blush from earlier returning.

Killua didn’t mention that they had been in their pre-teens, but he knew Killua was thinking the same thing as he led him to his room and started rearranging everything to keep his hands busy and his gaze away from Gon.

He knew Killua was the one who was offering, so he eventually accepted the offer, but he still didn’t want to make his friend uncomfortable. 

The bed was large enough that Gon could keep space between them, so that’s what he did. He kept to the edge of the bed and willed his body to stay there. He knew he would, he had plenty of experience sleeping still from the countless times he’d fallen asleep on the trees back at Whale Island. After falling off a couple of times, his body had learned to keep still. 

But still, that would be his luck. For this night of all nights do something embarrassing like cuddle close to Killua.

Gon was just happy that the reverse had happened. He’d stayed in his area. It was Killua who’d moved closer, his body starfished sideways on the bed and his arm over his chest. 

Gon couldn’t help but smile. He was happy that his friend hadn’t changed in this sense. It was adorable how the ex-assassin still took over the bed. He’d always found it cute, Killua may be a prodigy and elegant in everything he did, but in this one matter, Killua was like anyone else.

He had to fight the urge to touch the strands of long hair that reached a little past the former assassin’s shoulders.

Not wanting this moment to ever end, Gon forced himself to gently lift Killuas arm off of him and set it on the mattress. As the shorter of the two climbed out of bed, Gon breathed easily once he noticed that Killua did not stir. 

He must have been exhausted. Yesterday  _ had  _ been a long day. Gon was tired himself. But he had things to do. If given the choice he would have stayed there till his friend woke. There was nothing else he’d rather do than lay with Killua and nap all day. 

So he put on a fresh pair of socks before he could crawl back into bed and padded out of the room.

//

Gon was just taking off his shoes when he saw Alluka walk out of her room, bleary-eyed.

“I knew it was you.”

Gon rubbed his neck, feeling guilty. “I hope I didn’t wake you up.”

“Oh you did, but not because you were being too loud.”

He stopped worrying for a second, confused. He’d been quiet. He’d assumed that it was just Zoldyck talent that had made her pick up on the little noise he did make but now he was confused. Then how-

“The lock.” Alluka smiled, noticing his confusion. 

Now she stood tall and there was a certain pride in her voice, “We figured out years ago that if I put my nen in the lock, I can tell when someone messes with it.”

“Alluka you’re a nen user??”

Gon was proud of both of them even if this had nothing to do with him. It wasn’t like he had taught her or anything. But still, he was surprised and delighted that Killua had taught her. He’d assumed Killua would be too scared to have her learn something so dangerous, especially after what he had done, he thought remorsefully.

But he was also proud of Alluka. He, out of everyone, having had to learn it twice (the second time being a longer and more difficult process), knew how hard it was to learn.

Though he was glad. He knew Killua would be at her side to protect her but he felt better knowing that Alluka and Nanika weren’t just some sitting ducks. 

She must be amazing, not only due to Zoldyck talent, but Alluka had a harsh teacher, despite the love Killua felt for her. Her own passion must have made her a fast learner; he just knew it.

Now here was Alluka, and Gon was even more excited to get to know her.

“Brother started teaching me about three years ago” 

“That’s amazing Alluka!” He gushed wanting to hug her again but staying in place. 

“Do you know what type you are? What did Killua teach you? He wasn’t too harsh with you was he?” He couldn’t stop rambling. He wanted to know everything! 

Is this what it felt like to have a sibling? To want to protect them? To want to mess their hair up and hear everything they have to say? Know everything they want to do?

Alluka giggled and looked pleased if a little surprised by all the questions. 

“Brother was a good teacher. He’s a strict one, but he’d always share ChocoRobots with me afterward.” 

“Wow, he must really love you, once I tried to sneak one away from him and he almost punched me in the face.”

They both laughed at his joke, knowing full well that Killua just might harm him for trying to touch his precious snacks. 

“Sometimes, when he’s being mean I hide them around the apartment.” Alluka grinned, the sibling malice making her eyes shine.

Stepping closer Gon whispered conspiratorially “If you ever need help just tell me.”

She laughed, agreeing with his plan.

Now Gon looked at the lock once more.

“How do you do the lock trick? Just so I know not to leave too early and keep waking you up.”

“Oh, it’s easy. Killua was trying to teach me to extend my aura and put it into an object. He started small, little toys, balls, the lock. Once I could do that he made me hold it for as long as I could. We did it with the lock since it was something small. In the morning, he’d woken me up by twisting the lock, forgetting I was still holding onto it. It’s not like it hurts or anything. I just noticed my aura was contracting and expanding to keep up with the lock. It’s something small, but it makes us feel a little better knowing if someone is touching our door. It also makes me feel like I’m helping by being the one in charge of doing it.” 

“Oh, that’s so smart! Maybe I can help by keeping the windows in check? I have a couple of sensors I can put around them.” 

“Killua does those,” she said sympathetically, seeing him deflate a little.

“Oh, In that case, I better get busy making breakfast, otherwise your brother will kick me out for being lazy.”

Alluka followed him smiling. “I’m surprised you woke up before him”

Gon scoffed. “Please, your brother would always leave me abandoned for several hours before he finally woke up, this was me sleeping in.”

“It’s 9am?”

“I’m an early riser. I usually wake around 6 am.”

Alluka pretended to gag. “Why would you do that to yourself?”

He chuckled, “I’m just used to it I guess.”

She sat on the kitchen stool while he began putting groceries away. He didn’t know where anything went so it took a while.

He was about to begin with the omelets before Alluka gave a small gasp. Gon looked at her with a raised brow, but she had already gone around the counter and grabbed his hands.

“What happened?”

Now Gon saw the back of his hands once more. In the light, they were a bright red. Peppered on his hands were about a dozen little cuts. They were mostly superficial. Only one or two would  _ maybe _ scar over. 

He gently tugged his hands away and smiled, scared she would figure out it was Killuas doing and scold him. Gon didn’t blame him, he also had moments like those, though they happened a little differently. 

Besides, Killua had meant to hurt himself, Gon had been the one who placed his hands there. Even though he was somewhere unreachable, Killua had stopped once he grabbed his hands.

“Don’t worry, in a couple of days there will be gone, only a minor training injury,”

He could tell she didn’t believe him but she didn’t press him further.

With a frustrated voice, she told him to sit down and wait, then disappeared back into her room muttering something about how ‘ _ they were the same _ ’ and that ‘ _ they’d be the death of her _ .’

Gon only sat and laughed quietly to himself knowing the  _ they _ in question were him and Killua.

This small thing brought him joy. Once, if there was a Killua there was a Gon. And if there was a Gon, there was a Killua.

They had been a unit and everyone knew that. They had grown, they had become individuals, no longer an assumed pair. 

He was happy they had grown to be their own people, but the selfish part of him desperately wanted there to be a Killua and Gon again. Even if only they knew about it.

Focusing back on Alluka’s muttering, Gon gave a small gasp then giggled.

She had grown up, that was for sure. He couldn’t be sure but he  _ swore _ he heard a curse or two thrown in the mix of her lecture.

She came back with a small first aid kit. She pulled out a roll of Gauze and he stopped her. 

He knew that if Killua saw his hands wrapped like that not only would it bring bad memories, but it would make it seem as if he was much more hurt than he actually was, making him feel guilty. Not wanting to risk Killua shutting him away and not letting him touch him anymore for fear of hurting him, he’d rather something small.

“I’m sorry Alluka, I like to keep my hands free. Do you have any of those small circle bandages? I promise you most of these will be gone in a day or two, I only really need these two covered up” He pointed to the more deeper ones where Killua’s thumbnails hair pierced his skin. 

Alluka looked at him incredulously. “You want me to put spot bandages on your hands?”

“Yes!” He smiled, glad that she knew what he was talking about. 

Alluka only gaped at him for a few moments. Then she shook her head and went back into her room, returning with a small box. 

She cleaned all of his cuts, and only put the bandages where he’d requested. It was sweet of her, he really could’ve done it himself.

Once she was done she sighed. “There, if these aren’t healed in four days, I’m wrapping you like a mummy if I have to.”

Gon nodded, but his mind was elsewhere. Should he bring it up now? When would he have another opportunity alone with both of them?

“Alluka... can we talk?”

She paused in putting back the items a bit then continued an open look on her face. “Of course, what’s going on?” 

“Oh no nothing, nothing! Well, nothing bad. I hope at least. I just brought up to Killua yesterday how I was hoping you three would let me join you.”

Alluka looked surprised. Of course, Killua hadn’t been able to tell her yet, they’d gone to sleep as soon as they had arrived, the girls had already been asleep, and now Gon had woken up before Killua had a chance to prepare her.

She contemplated this for a second before she responded. “Why?”

Having already been surprised by this question last night, he was now calm and clear-headed. 

“Because you two shouldn’t face this alone. Because this needs to end and no matter how strong Killua is, he can’t face your entire family alone. Because I want to be at Killua’s side to help him as I should have been doing all of these years. Because I… I deeply care for your brother and I want to help him as much as he has helped me. Both of you deserve to be happy and free. And if I can, I’d love to do anything to help.”

Alluka scanned his face then nodded.

“Okay, how will you fight?”

“I.. have my nen back, I showed Killua last night…”

Alluka gaped at him, eyes wide. She flung herself, squeezing him in a hug before letting go. Now she looked embarrassed. 

“Sorry, Killua told me what happened.”

Shocked by the sudden hug, he only beamed, even as his face heated up in shame, “It’s okay, you deserve to know, after all, I wouldn’t be here without you two.”

“Be that as it may, tell me about it because Nanika healed you and she told me about your nen situation.”

Gon was embarrassed. He had been thankful that Killua had been too shocked to ask about it. Because Alluka was right, it wasn’t the same.

He rubbed his neck but confessed. “I can’t really see it… but I also _ can _ if that makes sense?”

She shook her head, confused. He sighed and struggled to find the words to explain.

“I can’t see it like I could before, but I can sense it if I focus. Bisky used to train us with numbers, so that’s harder but I can generally tell by its shape. I tried looking at the old footage with Hisoka’s bungee gum and I could feel the aura strands stretched out. That’s the best way I can explain it I’m sorry” he rubbed his neck in apology before he remembered. “Kurapika! Sorry! Kurapika said that before he knew about nen he could sense it. Where it came from, the shape and size even though he didn’t know how and he couldn’t actually see! It’s a lot like that actually.”

Alluka hummed, “no actually that makes a lot of sense. Okay, apart from seeing, can you use it? For both defense and offense?”

At this Gon nodded enthusiastically. “I’ve been doing hunter missions here and there for the past two years, and I’ve been training really hard to master it.”

Alluka hummed once more. “Talk to Nanika, then we can discuss.” 

Gon was nervous. More than that, he felt his palms slick with sweat. They might honestly say no. He’d assumed Killua would be the hardest person to convince, not his sisters.

“Can I speak to her?”

Alluka nodded and closed her eyes when they next opened, he looked into the dark eyes of Nanika.

“Hi Nanika” He smiled. He hadn’t seen her since he’d arrived at the apartment. 

“Gon!” 

Gon had never heard her say more than a handful of words, so to have her say his name made him ecstatic.

“Can I hug you?” Gon asked, happily bouncing in his chair.

“Can we hold hands instead?” Nanika suggested, smiling wide. It was no wonder Killua spoiled his sisters. They were both amazing despite what they’d been through.

“Of course, that’s perfect!” he replied, grinning. 

So Gon clasped one of her hands and they both stared at each other, finally reuniting after all these years. Gon could tell how excited Nanika was because she’d occasionally squeeze his hand and her smile would grow even more.

“Nanika, I know this is sudden and I would like to talk to you more, only if you want to of course! But I was wondering how you’d feel if I decided to accompany you and your siblings?” 

Her smile grew but then stopped. Seemed more hesitant. 

“You hurt Killua.” 

He didn’t let go of her hand but he wished he had both hands so he could cover his face from her. Because she was right. He’d hurt his best friend in so many different and terrible ways and here he wanted to just be accepted again as if nothing had happened. He wanted to talk about it, he really did. They needed to talk about it, but he had to wait for Killua to be ready. 

After all, Gon was the one who’d been preparing all these years to see him, to finally talk. To become even closer and better than before. 

Judging by what Killua had said last night, it almost seemed as if he hadn’t expected to see him until he was done with his family situation. How many years would it have been by then?

Did he even deserve Killua's forgiveness? Did he deserve a second chance?

Kite had told him that no one deserves anything, whether good or bad. That he didn’t think that the universe hashed out punishments. It didn’t judge or sit back. It just was. That he should better himself for himself, and that only then could he ask for forgiveness. But that it was still not in his hands. That he should do his best, but at the end of the day, it was Killua who could choose to let him back in or not, and that Gon should accept his decision no matter the outcome. If he respected and trusted Killua that’s what he should do.

So this was exactly what Gon planned to do.

He could only give his best. Prove to Killua through actions that he’d changed and wouldn’t be selfish and reckless, ready to throw away his life as if there weren’t others who cared for him. As if his actions and self-destruction had no effect on others.

“I did hurt Killua. Both of you know what I did. I could sit here and explain to you that I thought I didn’t matter. That my end was fitting. I didn’t think about how it would hurt others, especially Killua. I didn’t think I mattered all that much if we’re being honest. But that doesn’t excuse my actions or how it affected people.” Gon looked down, feeling the heaviness of what he’d done settle in him.

“It's also not like it was the only time. I’d hurt myself on many occasions, that was just the worst. It’s just why I did it. I didn’t put myself in Killua’s shoes. I know that had the opposite have occurred, it would have shattered me. But Nanaika…” Now he looked at her, locking eyes so she could see how serious he was.

“I've worked on this. It took a while and everything got too dark sometimes, but I have gotten better. And I'm not saying I’m perfect! I just want to show you and Alluka and your brother that I’m different. And I promise you that I would never do anything like that again. I...I never want Killua to be sad or hurt... much less because of me. I think he only deserves softness and kindness and everything good because he does  _ so much _ for everyone. I just want to help be a part of the people who give back. And if you all will accept me, I’d love to show you and not just say it.” 

He’d been looking down most of the time, terrified that if he looked into her eyes the damn that had been building inside him during the conversation would break.

Because he still hadn’t processed that they were together again, that they were all safe and healthy and doing the best they could. 

And seeing Killua after only being able to practice conversations on mirrors and in the shower and with animals in the wild made him remember how much there had been left unspoken between them. All he wanted to do was cry and hug his best friend and make sure that nothing ever happened to him and his sisters ever again because frankly they are some of the best people he’d ever met yet they had to deal with so much without rest.

He also couldn’t ignore how the darkness of memories were brought up by seeing his old companion, not only the good. Since they had never dealt with their problems, putting everything on pause, it had kept a part of them trapped in the past, locked with their wounded selves.

Now Nanika squeezed his hand and Gon knew she wanted him to look at her. So he did, the misery must have been apparent in his eyes because her face was open and understanding.

“Gon loves Killua”

A statement, not a question. 

Gon didn’t know in what way she meant that but he nodded anyway. Because he did. 

In every sense. He knew Nanika wouldn’t tell, he could trust her with this information, even if she realized in what form he meant it.

“Then we’ll give you a chance” 

Gon’s mind raced to process what he’d just heard, she’d made it seem as if both Nanika and Alluka agreed. His hope was lifted and he was about to jump out of his chair when her grip tightened on his hand even more. It didn’t hurt, but it served to show that she was serious and that she wanted Gon’s full attention. So he calmed down and looked at her.

In that moment Nanika could have asked him to pluck the stars out of the sky and he would’ve found a way to do it.

“Remember that Illumi also loves Killua. But his love is… bad. If you hurt Killua again, you must promise to leave him alone.”

Gon kept himself from flinching. He knew Nanika didn’t mean that. It's not that she thought him to be like Illumi, she only meant that not all love was good. Love could become corrupted and twisted. Something horrible to behold.

Tears escaped from her eyes and Gon softened. This hurt for her to say, but just like her elder brother, she’d do anything to keep those she loved safe.

So he rubbed soothing loops on the back of her hands and he smiled gently at her, trying to reassure her, to show her that he understood. 

“I promise to not hurt Killua again. The second you tell me too, I’ll leave, is that okay?”

Nanika nodded and swiped the tears from under her eyes. 

Now Gon smiled mischievously at her. “Now how about I make you some pancakes?”

Nanika’s enthusiastic ‘yes’ had him bouncing back into the kitchen to begin his work. 

//

Killua woke to the smell of bacon and something sweet. He smiled, thinking of Alluka in the kitchen making a meal. She’d probably give him hell for waking up late and not having her breakfast ready.

Killua let out a little squeak as he stretched out on the bed, feeling his muscles begin to loosen up. He flopped his head to his side feeling like he was forgetting something, and froze. The bed was cold and he was alone. It had all been a dream. 

Gon had been a dream. His mouth soured and his heart felt heavy. This had happened to him before. But this one had seemed so real that it reached a different level of pain.

The awkwardness of settling in bed. Of the warmth radiating off of their bodies. Of hearing Gon’s calm breathing as he drifted off into sleep.

He was about to go back to sleep for a little longer before he saw something poking out from under his pillows. He lunged for it, pulling out a beetle phone. 

Gon’s beetle phone to be exact.

He felt relieved and all the stress that had built up in those seconds were gone again. 

Curiosity led him to open the phone, the Lock Screen showing a group of people smiling together. He could see an older Kite, Bisky, Wing, and even Zushi smiling at the phone camera with Gon in the middle beaming. 

Killua smiled at the picture, happy that his friends were happy and safe. A little bit of sadness tugged at his heart, telling him he should have been there but he ignored it, he had other priorities. 

He made sure to sneak into the bathroom without being noticed, checking himself in the mirror, sighing at his messy hair, knowing Gon probably woke up to a ridiculous sight.

He quickly swiped a brush through it grumbling to himself.  _ It’s not like Gon noticed,  _ or if he did he probably didn’t think anything of it, it's not like he cared about how Killua looked.  _ That would be ridiculous,  _ he reminded himself.

He splashed some water on his face to fully finish waking up. He would shower after he went to get groceries, no use running there and back after just having showered. He'd just be dirty again.

Now as he walked to where he heard two voices in the kitchen, one giggling at something the other said, Killua felt the smile grow on his face and his heart felt lighter.

Today would be a good day.

//

Gon had been trying to do everything at once, making sure he kept a careful watch on the pancakes, eggs, and bacon in different pans as he tried to prepare all their breakfast at the same time. 

He was well-practiced, but still, he wanted his first breakfast for the Zoldyck siblings to be perfect.

But when he heard Killuas tired voice near his ear making a comment about him not knowing he could cook, Gon only let out a yelp, almost throwing the pan with the bacon on the floor. 

He managed to catch the pan in time but some of the grease spilled on his hand making him wince.

Killua looked at him with wide eyes, a question in his eyes.

Before he could ask, Alluka began reprimanding them.

“Now that there’s two of you we're going to have to triple the amount of bandages that we buy.”

Trying to hide his embarrassment, Gon was glad for Alluka’s jumping in, “Oh, I can buy them myself it’s okay!”

She walked over and smacked his arm. “It’s not about the money. Jeez, do you both not understand I don’t like seeing you two hurt?”

She gave them both a pointed look before going after the first aid kit again, exasperation on her face.

Killua leaned on the counter, farther away from him now, but Gon could feel the piercing gaze on him. 

Gon focused all of his attention on the breakfast, feeling that his face was like an inferno.

“I didn't know you scared so easily Freecss.” 

Gon could practically see his face, even as he forced himself to not look at him. An eyebrow raised, a million calculations running through his mind.

“I don’t, it’s just we wanted to surprise you with breakfast and now that idea is out” he rushed out, trying to be nonchalant and most likely failing miserably.

Killua only hummed.

Suddenly his voice was next to him again. “Boo.”

Gon was more prepared this time, but he still couldn't help but give a little jump. 

Killua bent over laughing and Gon glared at him.

He was still laughing seconds later when Alluka walked in with the white box. 

“You’re getting rusty Freecss.” Killua chucked. “This just means we have to start training again.”

Gon only intensified his glare, threatening to burn Killua’s pancakes, which only caused the silver youth to laugh more.

//

After breakfast was completed, they all ate together, joking and sharing stories.

Since they only had two chairs, Gon had to drag over a milk crate to sit on. But still, it was the happiest Gon had felt in a while. He hadn’t smiled so much and for so long as he had during the short time he’d been with them.

Alluka had been going on about how Killua had been a terrible cook when they had first started, and how he’d almost set their then rental home on fire trying to bake her a cake when Killua brought up that they would be moving that afternoon.

Alluka being used to this only nodded. 

Nanika helped him dry the dishes as he washed them and he began helping them pack.

This time, Killua had told them they would take a blimp, so Gon helped them pack the kitchen while they did their rooms. 

He knew they didn't have much.

He hadn’t seen Alluka’s room but he assumed she had as little physical possessions as he did.

Besides from his bed, wardrobe, and a mirror, the only piece of decoration Killua had were a couple of framed pictures. Two of the pictures were of him and Nanika riding a two-seater bike in some park, and the other with him and Alluka smiling next to some trees stringed with lights. The last one was a framed picture of his friends. With Killua and his arm wrapped around Gon’s shoulders while Leorio and Kurapika stood behind them smiling.

His chest had felt warm and tears almost spilled out of his eyes. 

He hadn’t forgotten about them. It’s not that he didn’t have faith in Killua, or that he thought they didn’t mean anything to him, but out of everything Killua could have taken with him, he took them. 

And they were on display, not one crease or smudge on the picture protected by glass and metal. It even shone as if it had just been polished.

He’d had to straighten himself out and crack a joke when Killua walked in so Killua wouldn’t catch him sniffling like Bisky after they completed Greed Island.

//

As the city became smaller and their blimp slowly became more secure being hidden by the clouds, Gon began to relax.

Now that he was finally with them he expected to be dodging Illumi left and right. It almost seemed anti-climatic how smooth their journey had been thus far. 

Alluka noticed how tense he was when he’d peer out the windows and she gave him a comforting smile.

“Don’t worry, we’ve actually had a good record from keeping away from our family, we should be okay, we took the measures needed to escape. Even if they had found us, we’re long gone.”

Killua didn’t add anything despite the fact that he was only a few feet away and was definitely in hearing range. 

He only turned on some music,  _ probably to prove that they were okay _ , he thought.

Gon trusted his companions so he took the time to look for suitable apartments as Killua maneuvered them to their new destination.

//

Their new apartment was in a nicer part of town in an entirely different continent.

Killua and Gon would have to share rooms since they didn't want to tip off Illumi of their reunion.

They only stayed in apartments that worked solely on paper, but still. Illumi could easily snatch up paper records as well and would be curious as to why Killua was suddenly booking an extra room when he hadn't been doing so for the past few years.

Killua was apologetic at this despite Gon assuring him that it was no big deal. He didn’t want to admit it but he preferred it that way. He could be close to Killua if something were to happen. He also knew that he felt much safer when someone else was in the room that he trusted. 

Now all there was left to do was go to the market. 

Killua and Gon would go buy furniture and groceries meanwhile Alluka unpacked what little they did bring from the past apartment.

//

Walking with Gon through the crowded market reminded Killua that the last time they had spent this much time browsing through stalls was in Yorknew. 

Back then Killua had wanted to lecture Gon for wasting time since he seemed to want to observe every stall, every nook and cranny. 

Being that Killua was used to doing this part alone, he was used to beelining it for the stalls he needed and then leaving back to Alluka.

And while at the beginning he was impatient to keep going and get things done, he realized that there really wasn't a rush to get back home. They had no pressing mission that was time-locked.

They really could spend the whole day there if they really wanted to. 

So Killua made himself take a deep breath and enjoy his time. He loved seeing the pure enjoyment that still shone in Gon’s eyes. It was slightly funny yet adorable because although Gon was shorter than him, he still towered over most townspeople. So he couldn’t help but snicker as he saw Gon’s bulky body hunched over figurines, or carved sculptures, or beadwork, eyes bright as the stall’s owners stared at him with large eyes.

After a while, he also began to enjoy the market. He hadn’t taken the time to just enjoy being anywhere in a while. It was nice. They tried tasty snacks from food vendors, he ogled at fine weaponry and he even bought a few things that he did not necessarily need. 

He was particularly proud of the lavender cat keychain he bought for Alluka. He had half a mind to buy one for himself but decided against it since he didn’t really have anything to attach it to. 

Gon would also wander away from him and slowly their bags grew in numbers. There were some bags that Gon wouldn’t allow him to touch, playfully slapping his hands away when he’d come close to take a peek. He even had the audacity to laugh when he saw him sulking!

His curiosity was killing him but his pride refused to have him beg for a peek.

He only let it go because Gon promised to show him later, saying it was a surprise. Though to appease him, Gon did bring out a little white headband.

It was fluffy and soft, with little ears to resemble a cat.

“This was going to be a surprise for Alluka so I think I can show this to you now.” Seeing his raised eyebrow he shrugged. “She told me she likes cats so I think she might like it.”

Killua knew she’d love it. He’d also gotten her a keychain for this exact reason.

Gon was quick to put the ears on his head. 

He was ready to rip it off in embarrassment when he saw that Gon was ready to laugh, most likely having been expecting this exact reaction. 

So Killua only huffed, cheeks burning, and left the stupid thing on. He refused to give him the satisfaction. When he wasn’t looking he’d be sure to throw it away, leaving him with no gift for his sister. He could come back later to get her a new one.

Looking around for something else that could capture his attention, Killua was amazed by it all. They hadn’t been to such a lively town in a while. He’d have to take Alluka here. She would love the bright colors of the buildings and Nanika would enjoy all of the entertainment.

There were plays and singing competitions, even a little square where people danced to energetic music that a local band was playing.

He was watching as the people danced when suddenly he felt a tug on his arm. Killua was prepared to deliver the nasty remark that worked on people when they decided he was attractive and decided to  _ touch him _ without his permission that usually sent them running or crying. But when he turned it was only Gon. 

He immediately relaxed and Gon put his hands up in false surrender. Killua rolled his eyes, but the smile on his face gave away that he truly wasn’t annoyed at the black-haired boy.

“Ready to go buy stuff we actually need?”

“Yes, but can we stay here for a few minutes longer?”

“Yeah, what caught your attention?”

Killua saw his eyes give a quick glance towards the dance floor and he froze.  _ No way _ .

“Dance with me?”

“I-”

Killua had already begun stepping away when he stopped. He had already been prepared to say no. But… why not? 

Killua had feelings for Gon, but it was his friend inviting him. Dancing was innocent and fun and yes he’d talked to other people over the years but none of them had ever captured his attention like Gon could.

And why should he deny himself something so small? It was rare when he had been able to do something fun and that he wanted. So why was he always so ready to deny himself?

Before he could give it much thought and let the bubbling moment of craziness fade away, he beamed at his friend and it was him who grabbed Gon’s arm and pulled him towards the floor. 

Once he was there he realized he didn’t really know what to do.

The Zoldycks had trained them on how to dance, but it was all classical and stuffy and not at all what this music asked of him.

But seeing the surprise and happiness on Gon’s face he decided he didn’t care.

“I don't know how to dance to this” he admitted as he looked around him, trying to see if he could copy the movements of others 

“Me neither, but this looks fun!”

Killua looked at him in surprise. He had assumed that Gon had invited him to dance because he knew what to do.

Gon chuckled at what must have been his bewildered expression. He yelled over the music “Aunt Mito told me that anything counts as dancing as long as you are happy and feel the music.”

Killua thought about that. He liked that very much. That anything counted. No rules, no expectations, exactly what he loved about Gon. He never worried about how things were supposed to be, Gon just was. He existed for no one and did as he pleased. This had made him selfish as a child, but it was moments like these that he realized how liberating that thought was. 

So he laughed and took Gon’s hand spinning him around the dance floor. 

Everything seemed fake. The lights as they reflected off of them putting the world in blinding lights and glitter. The faceless people they paid no attention to except to evade. How they came apart and together again, dancing by themselves and reuniting when it felt best. 

The laughter from both of them was amazing and like a dream. His ribs hurt and his face was sore from smiling but at that moment, everything was perfect. 

Nothing mattered but their dance. Worries melted away. They were just two boys, carefree and having fun.

When the dance floor became so packed that they could no longer dance comfortably, they decided it was time to leave.

After all, they still had to buy their beds.

They ran out of the square giggling and holding on to their sides. 

Thankfully their bags were where they had left them.

After this, they took to buying the last of their necessary items, vendors preparing to have their workers take the furniture to their new apartment.

This was fun. He was having fun.

He felt the chain of his new necklace and how it weighed on his neck and at this moment, everything felt possible. They had had it so good so far. 

He enjoyed this Gon who was a mix of the Gon he knew and his wiser, more experienced version of himself.

He had seemed to keep the best parts of his younger self and matured with time and heartache to become better instead of letting everything weigh him down. To let his life twist and corrupt him.

Even now he couldn't help but stare at his friend.

Between his own purchases that Gon was helping him with and his own bags, Gon was precariously balancing in both arms, it truly was a sight to see. Gon stuck out his tongue in concentration in order to avoid dropping all their items as they started to head back to their apartment, when someone accidentally bumped into Gon, one of the bags ended up falling.

It was almost as if it happened in slow motion. He saw the dark glass bottle of syrup shatter on the floor.

They must have gotten the wrong one because when the syrup fell, glass shattering on the cobblestones, it was a bright blue instead of the amber color it was supposed to be.

Killua let out a huff, ready to burst into laughter seeing Gon covered in the syrup. He even got some on his hands since he had tried to catch it before it reached the floor.

But looking at his face he stopped himself.

Gon had gotten rigid all over. He had dropped their bags and was staring at his hands as if he couldn’t recognize them. 

Coming closer to see what he was looking at, it was then that Killua noticed that Gon’s breathing was ragged and was coming on faster and faster.

Killua hesitantly reached out to him, wanting to provide him something to ground himself as he had done the other night for him, letting him hold his hand to stay in the present.

But as Killua reached for him, that’s when Gon reacted. 

He sprung back, aura dense around him. 

Killua was hurt but also worried because even though Gon looked at him, Killua could tell that whatever Gon was seeing, it wasn’t him.

Noticing the people around him, Killua could see the panic in his eyes.

Spinning on his heel, Gon ran away from him, disappearing into the dark alleys of the city, leaving Killua full of dread and alone, blue syrup pooled around him and bags strewn all over the floor.


	9. Someone Help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Writer's block had me suffering but here's the latest chapter. I hope y'all can't see how bad it isDAFGHFV.
> 
> Anyway, this chapter is a bit much in some parts. 
> 
> S5 spoilers, also there's mentions of torture and slightly graphic descriptions of violence. 
> 
> Comment what you think about it !!

Everything was wrong. He was there again. With  _ them _ . 

It was all over him, the blood. It was sticky and he tried to wipe it but it only smeared more.

And he wasn’t alone in the woods with her. They were in a town, and there were more people around them.  _ So many people. _

Everything was wrong because that’s not what happened. It didn’t make sense.

He couldn’t get oxygen in his lungs fast enough. There were suddenly too many colors, too many sounds and voices.

He didn’t even know where he was running to, he just knew he had to get away or things would be worse.

So he did what he’d never done before: he ran away. 

Away from his memories, from the people, from that person who was there when he knew they were dead. Please let them be dead. 

Don’t let them have crawled out of his mind. And he left all those innocent people for that monster to kill again.

_ Someone help. I can't do it again. _

_ Help _

//

Killua ran as fast as he could, the dread in him growing the more streets he passed without seeing Gon.

Gon didn’t run away. Ever. For him to have reacted so badly... Killua had to stop himself from imagining what could be going through his mind.

He needed to be calm.

It only took a few minutes to find him but it felt much longer. The alley was wet and dirty but alone.

He found Gon sitting against the back door of an abandoned shop.

His head was tucked between his legs. He was lightly rocking himself and his whole body seemed to tremble.

He had no time to overthink this, his friend needed him. Now.

Almost as if approaching a wounded animal, Killua walked towards him slowly, kneeling in front of him, doing his best to ignore the grime on the floor.

Knowing better than to touch him, this time Killua decided to stay where he was, even though he wanted to pick up Gon and use Godspeed to take them back home. Alluka would know what to do better than he ever would.

“Gon? Its Killua.”

The raven-haired boy kept rocking himself, but Killua couldn’t help but notice how his breathing was slower than it had been at the market.

This was better but he was still breathing too fast.

It almost felt like a dagger was plunged into his heart and was being twisted. 

He felt hopeless to help his friend.

Still, he’d do his best.

“Gon how do I help?”

Gon tried looking at him then flinched, squeezing his eyes shut, almost as if he were trying to end the image he had just seen. Gon’s breathing became faster and Killua felt the panic in him grow.

“Take them off.”

It broke Killua’s heart to see him like this and he quickly searched his body for what was upsetting Gon so much. It hurt but he knew it wasn’t him who was upsetting Gon. It wasn’t his face that was making Gon flinch like that.

Then he remembered. The stupid cat ears. He ripped it off of his head. Seeing the sticky blue syrup staining the white ears, even Killua felt nauseous.

No wonder everything he was doing seemed to be the opposite of what Gon needed.

He threw them as far as he could.

Not wanting to leave Gon, Killua took off his shirt, leaving him only in his undershirt. Standing up shirt in hand Killua saw a stream of clear water a few steps away and went for it, drenching half his shirt in the water. 

Then he walked back towards Gon.

“I’m going to clean your hands okay?”

He’d stopped rocking but was still trembling. He gave a quick nod but still, he wouldn’t open his eyes. 

Killua crouched in front of him, carefully reached for his hand, and slowly tugged on his fingers one by one until the fist Gon had balled them into slowly becoming undone. He calmly cleaned one, then the other, making at least the physical evidence disappear.

“How can I help?”

Killua patiently waited until finally Gon answered with a simple, “Hold me.”

Killua hesitated, but only for a second before he wrapped his arms around his friend, wishing he could take all his pain away and take it for himself.

//

Killua was here. He couldn’t focus on him but he was here.

Killua’s arms were wrapped around him and it felt like he was being held together. He was safe. As long as Killua was here they could do it together.

The oppressing feeling on his chest slowly began to fade away, he could feel himself relaxing in his friend’s arms. Finally, Gon could hear and understand what Killua was saying.

Over and over Killua repeated things like ‘ _ you’re safe _ ,’ and  _ ‘I’m not going anywhere _ ,’ and _ ‘I’m here, you’re not alone.’ _

And Gon believed him. As the trembling became less frequent Gon could feel his already weak heart swell a bit. Because even though his mind told him that it wasn’t true. That at any moment Killua would tire of him and decide to throw him away as others before him had done, or he could mess up so badly they didn’t want him near them anymore. But he pinched his eyes until those thoughts went away. 

It was no surprise to him why his heart seemed to latch on to Killua’s words. His heart was trying to shield him from what his mind wanted to convince him of. That Killua was lying to make him feel better. 

Because even if it was just nonsense to get him to calm down, even if Killua didn’t really mean it, for now, his soul felt soothed. Because he’d been begging the universe for help and his moonbeam had arrived. 

Killua had come from him.

Maybe he didn’t have to do this alone.

He was too emotionally exhausted to feel embarrassed. That would come later.

Worn out, Gon fully slumped against Killua allowing this moment of weakness. 

“Can we go home?”

//

A street merchant had kept their bags safe. 

She was a sweet old lady who had only nodded in understanding. She came around her station to show them where she had been keeping them.

The woman had tugged Gon down and told how her wife reacted the same way to certain things. 

She sent them off with a bag of pastries and had refused to let them pay her for it.

Before this, going back to the market had been its own ordeal. Gon was still half-expecting to walk into a bloody village with Pitou sitting atop the bodies like it was some sort of twisted throne.

Killua walked close to him, leading him through relatively empty streets and alleys. 

_ Probably to not upset him, _ he thought, embarrassed but relieved.

He truly didn’t want to feel trapped by the sheer amount of bodies around him.

Their way back had been quiet. 

Gon wanted to apologize for ruining their day like that. Apologize because Killua had to see him in that state. He wanted to explain what happened but he didn’t know where to start.

So he said nothing, hoping to bring it up another time when his words weren’t choking him.

//

Almost as if they had agreed on this beforehand, both Gon and Killua perked up before entering the apartment, both not wanting to upset Alluka.

She had started making dinner, stating that she was going to wait for them but they had taken too long.

Though upon handing her the bag of pastries the old woman had given them, all was forgiven.

Both men helped her finish up dinner, a delicious stew with fish, potatoes, tomatoes, and rice.

They had had to sit on the floor since their furniture wouldn’t arrive until later that night.

They talked of the market and how colorful everything was, both doing their best to avoid his little meltdown as he now saw it.

They promised to take her the next day.

And so they did.

It was nice, no other… incident occurred.

They had lunch there, and Killua danced with his sisters while he sat nearby, enjoying seeing both of them happy without a care in the world.

Nanika was even allowed out on the top of a hill they found where they could look down at the city.

She was only allowed this because they had scouted the area the day before and found out it was deserted and had a nice view of the town. 

From up there she was able to get out some sketches, and she was already happy to get her hands on some paints to capture all that she saw. 

Gon even took pictures with his phone so she wouldn’t forget anything.

Gon could see how happy it made Killua for Nanika to be able to come out and explore the world with them. 

And he was happy as well. It must not be often that Nanika was able to come out, especially since Killua had to make sure the area was secure, they could run away at any time and there were no people in at least a 5-mile radius. 

In all, it was a good day, Gon considered it a huge success.

//

But the conversation he thought they’d get to never occurred.

Now it wasn’t that things were odd between them. 

It was almost as if the market incident had never occurred, but the scene wouldn’t leave his mind.

Did he have to wait for Killua to bring this up?

Since he had given the golden robot to him two weeks ago he’d never left it anywhere for Gon to find.

At least he wore it. Gon was afraid he would just throw it away, maybe think that the whole idea was stupid.

The most talking they’d done occurred on the third night of them sharing a room, when Gon had been woken up by a sound.

He was already a light sleeper. Frequently having nightmares didn’t help.

So when Gon heard a faint whimpering, his eyes snapped open. 

Their beds were each on one side of the room.

Though it was dark, Gon could feel the aura packed tightly around his silver-crowned friend.

“Killua?”

Nothing.

Getting out of bed he cautiously approached him. 

He slightly opened the blinds, scared that if he turned on the lights he would scare him awake. 

His face was contorted in pain and fear. The slight static he felt told him that Killua had electrified his nen and didn’t even realize it.

His heart constricted. 

Killua was trying to protect himself from whatever was plaguing his dreams. But if he didn’t stop, he’d only wake up exhausted tomorrow from having spent so much nen in his sleep.

_ How often did this happen? _

Ever so gently Gon reached for Killua’s shoulder to try to shake him as gently as he could.

At least that was the plan; but as soon as Gon touched him, Killua sprang away sitting up, nails out.

Gon held his hands up, trying to convey his good intentions.

Was this how Kite felt those times he scared him awake? With Gon ready to fight and Kite having to convince him he wasn’t under attack?

Killua shouldn't be going through this alone. Especially since he knew exactly how that felt.

“Killua, it’s Gon.”

His eyes were scanning the room, breaths coming too fast, sweat making his shirt stick to his skin. 

Once his check was complete, he retracted his nails and slumped into the headboard, clearly exhausted.

“He killed you.” Voice exhausted and eyes closed, it seemed to take the last out of him to say this.

“Who?” He was nervous but also surprised, he didn’t think he’d be the one in his nightmare. 

Was it because he came back?

“ _ Illumi _ .” His voice was no more than a whisper but he heard it. “He was hurting you and he was- he was making me watch. You didn’t know I was seeing everything. He’d tied me to a chair, I couldn’t move and I had to watch. You were so brave, you lasted so long, but he- he killed you.”

Killua looked like he was going to be sick. “He killed you and left me there with your body and told me he'd do the same thing to Alluka.”

Gon sat on the edge of his bed and put a hand on top of Killua’s.

He flinched away immediately. 

“Stop, I’ll hurt you. I can feel how much nen I wasted.” He winced, probably thinking this was what woke up Gon.

Once again Gon reached for his hand and grasped it. Killua’s breath hitched but this time he didn’t move.

Only traces of the electricity were on him. It was bearable.

“It doesn't hurt Killua.” When Killua weakly raised an eyebrow at him, he explained.

“After I got my nen back... I did some training with electricity.” Killua gasped, knowing firsthand how awful that sort of training was. “I wanted to be able to help you during a fight. In case you needed help, you wouldn’t be afraid to touch me. I can handle it Killua, really.” He rubbed the back of his neck, scared of what Killua might think of what he did. 

After all, he was tortured by his family, and here he was doing it just because he could.

“I’m nowhere near anything you could do of course, but I can bear it for a few minutes if you don’t use all of your strength.”

Killua looked both horrified yet still so exhausted. He probably shouldn’t have brought this up now, but he didn’t want Killua to be worried about hurting him when he was the one hurting and needed comfort. 

When Killua kept looking at him, Gon slowly went to hug him, giving Killua time to pull away if he wanted to.

He tensed on contact, but he stayed in place.

It was as if he couldn’t believe it.

Arms now wrapped around his friend, he continued, “My point is, I’m here Killua. Illumi has not laid a finger on me. He can't touch me where I am. I’m safe, Alluka is safe in the other room but we can check together if you really want.”

Killua closed his eyes and thought for a moment. Then he nodded.

Both men made their way to Alluka and Nanika’s room, making sure to keep quiet to not wake them.

Gon opened the door a crack to reveal Alluka fast asleep, sprawled across the bed, little snores coming from her mouth.

Shutting the door again Gon giggled. “You both sleep the same.”

Killua lightly shoved him and Gon could just feel him rolling his eyes. He covered his mouth with his hands to cover his snickers.

Once back in the room things were quiet once more. How to ignore what had just happened? That Killua’s nightmares were so intense his body tried to protect him from them.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Killua shook his head. 

Gon pursed his lips but said nothing. Killua needed to talk, but the nightmare was still fresh on his mind. And Gon knew exactly what that was like. He was actually surprised that he wasn’t the one scaring Killua with his nightmares.

“What if we put our beds together?”

“ _ What _ ?”

“I mean, that night when we slept in the same bed, it wasn’t as bad. If we put our beds together and you have a bad dream, you can wake me up! Or if it's about me, you can see that I’m right next to you..”

“I can still see you where your bed is right now.”

Gon thought about this.

“True, but I can help you more if I’m nearby. I can hold you again.”

“Gon I’ve been doing this for a long time, I know you’re worried and I’m sorry that I woke you but-”

“Killua please don’t shut me out.”

“What do you mean?”

“I.. you always play off when somethings wrong. Just- please let me help, if the bed situation won’t work please tell me what to do.” He stepped closer to him, doing his best for Killua to see him in the light of the moon. He didn’t want to scare Killua but he wanted this time to be different. 

He can’t just let it go when Killua won't budge the first time.

He could tell Killua wasn’t convinced so he continued.

“Wait here.”

In the darkness, he went to the living room where he knew the rest of their bags from the market were.

Finding the boxes he pulled them out and walked back to the room where Killua now sat on his bed.

He climbed on and sat across from him cross-legged.

Then he placed the two boxes in front of him.

Killua only blinked at him so Gon gestured to the boxes, now slightly embarrassed.

“These are the gifts I didn’t want you to see yet. I was planning on showing them to you later but tonight is still fine.”

He grabbed the smaller box and handed it to him, one arm rubbing the back of his neck.

“Open this one first.”

Killua turned on the light after grabbing the box, light illuminating the grey box.

He gently shook it and Gon laughed.

“Don’t guess!”

Killua shook his head, a smile on his face as well.

Carefully opening the box revealed a small blue gem.

Killua gave a little gasp and looked up at him in question.

“I saw it and it reminded me of your eyes. I know you already have that silver one, but I thought you would look even prettier with this one.”

He said this all so fast he hadn’t realized what he said until it was too late. His face felt like it was on fire and Killua’s matched his own. 

_ Why couldn't the earth just swallow him? _

Killua coughed and pointedly looked at the gem, avoiding his gaze.

“You’re lucky I think it's nice. You do have an eye for this stuff, consider me surprised.”

Gon felt the pressure on his chest go away and he sat up, scooting closer to Killua. Killua must’ve been embarrassed to notice how much Gon wanted him to like the gift because his blush only darkened when he saw his smile.

He’d be right but still, he hoped Killua knew that if he didn't like it he could’ve just gotten him another one. No need to be embarrassed.

He was bouncing on the bed from excitement and finally, Killua laughed, the smile on his face making butterflies stir in his stomach. 

He made sure to ignore them as best as he could. This was  _ not _ the time.

He was trying to comfort Killua god damnit.

“You want me to try it on right now don't you?”

He nodded his head vigorously, causing him to laugh again.

He ran over to his bag and pulled out a small mirror. Handing it to him he saw Killua’s face of amused confusion.

“Since when do you care about looks?”

_ Stop blushing. Stop blushing. Stop blushing. _

He cursed his body for being so weak whenever he was around Killua.

“First of all, I’ve always cared about how I look.” He stuck out his tongue and Killua nodded although he clearly did not believe him. “Second, it’s useful for starting fires…”

Killua gave a full-bellied laugh. He slammed his hand against his mouth when he remembered Alluka was asleep in the next room.

“So you don’t even use it to look at yourself?” he said in between wheezes. 

“I've looked at myself!!” He replied, indignant.

“Oh yeah? How many times?”

He took a second to think about it and Killua started laughing once more.

“There are mirrors in bathrooms!! I don't need to check myself every minute.” He huffed.

Killua tried responding but he couldn’t stop laughing.

“Well maybe if you looked in the mirror, you’d see that you still have sauce on your face from dinner,” he said leaning in, swiping his thumb across his cheek. He used his fingernail to scrape off the bit of sauce. 

Gon froze, letting him take it off. His brain seemed to shut down, focusing every bit of attention on Killua’s hand on his face.

When Killua noticed his reaction the amusement instantly went away and he almost seemed to be confused by his reaction.

Both boys remained frozen for seconds that seemed like an eternity.

Killua’s hand on his face, soft and warm. His eyes bright with lingering mirth.

All of his attention was on Gon and Gon alone.

He couldn’t breathe, he didn’t want to ruin whatever this was.

The moment ended when Gon saw Killua beginning to blush. It snapped him out of his trance.

_ Oh no, he’d made his friend uncomfortable.  _

Gon was going to give himself away and then Killua would hate him. 

“I would’ve figured it out eventually!” Gon tried to be casual but failed, his voice coming out too high, making him wince.

“Just try on the piece I want to see already.”

Killua blinked as if he was in a daze and nodded, focusing now on his nose piercing, being careful to slide the silver hoop out and switch it to the blue gem.

Once he was done he looked at Gon for inspection. 

What came first? The moon or Killua? 

He honestly didn’t know.

He was left in awe. How could Killua manage to be so-

“Beautiful.”

_ “What?” _

“I- um. I think people could consider Killua to be beautiful. You- you look like the moon.”

“The moon?”

“Yeah.” Gon would really rather get run over than be under Killua’s watchful eyes that seemed to see everything.

He cleared his throat before he continued. He much rather not, but Killua was looking at him expectantly. 

“You’re so bright. It’s hard to not look at you. It's like- there are so many stars in the sky, but when you look up, the moon is what catches your eye. I don't know if that makes sense? There could be a lot of people in the room but you just stand out.”

“I have white hair, It’s kind of hard to not notice,” he joked. 

“No, but it’s not just that! You just have this… feel to you. I don’t know how to explain it. You have this pull and you’re so smart and you feel safe-”

“I don't think many would consider me ‘safe’”

“I would.” Maybe he’d give himself away but he couldn’t bear to see Killua trying to joke about this. He was so amazing, he had to see what he saw. “I know that if you are there, everything will be fine.”

Killua looked surprised at how serious he was taking this. 

Now he was embarrassed. He picked at his cuticles but stopped when he saw Killua’s eyes dart to his hands    
  


Trying to find a way to change the subject before he said something he’d regret, he plucked the last box and put it into Killua’s hands.

“This was what I really wanted to give you tonight.”

Killua noticed what he was trying to do, but said nothing, simply plucking the bow on top of the box and opened it. It was a simple black bracelet with a small clear stone in the middle. 

“Thank you? But I don’t understand why so much jewelry.”

“It’s not just jewelry!” Gon rushed, not wanting Killua to read into the gifts and see the truth. Yes, the nose piercing was because Gon knew Killua would look amazing in it but the bracelet actually had function to it.

“Look it matches this one.”   
  


“So.. you bought us matching bracelets because…” Killua’s face was neutral but he saw that the tips of his ears were pink.

“Just look.” 

He put on his own bracelet then slipped the matching one onto Killua’s wrist. 

“The guy was advertising that it was supposed to be a cutesy bracelet where if you rub the bead over here” He rubbed it and he felt satisfied when Killua gasped as the clear stone on his bracelet turned green and the metal warmed. Not enough to hurt, but enough to catch someone’s attention. “Exactly. There's a bead on each side.” He blushed at the next part “It was meant to be used to tell your loved one that you're thinking of them, but I thought we could use it for something else!” He quickly explained, seeing Killua’s eyes grow larger by the second.

Before he could say anything he continued explaining. “Since it has two colors, the left being green and the right one orange, I thought we could use it to talk when we were away from each other. We could maybe do orange as a ‘help’ and the green one as a… I want you near? Or a come over?”

He didn’t know how else to phrase it but it sounded odd saying it out loud.

“Like if you have another nightmare and you want company, or you want me to tell you a story, or literally anything, just rub the left bead and I’ll come, no questions asked.”

Killua thought about this for a moment. “But if this turns orange and you need help, this doesn't seem to work much. I’ll just know you're in trouble.”

Gon lit up at this, proud that he had already thought of this himself.

“They’re connected! I already linked them. Look,” Gon rubbed the right bead in his bracelet, turning the stone on Killua’s wrist orange. Then he reached over and tapped twice on the stone. A little map lit up, showing a blinking dot next to Killua’s own. 

Killua whistled and Gon was happy, he felt as if he was doing something right.

“I got you another one, but this one is tied to the one I got for Alluka, but you two can decide if you want to do that… Do you.. Do you like it?”

“This is actually really smart Freecss. It looks like an ordinary bracelet. Only an experienced enemy would think of taking away something that looks so normal.”   
  


Gon felt himself bloom under Killua’s praise.

“Will you please use it?” Seeing Killua’s confused look he added, “If you need someone, or just want company, please use it.”

Killua knew he wasn’t speaking of the orange emergency feature.

“Gon…” 

“I’ll do it too! I- I also get bad nightmares. Sometimes I won’t sleep for days because I’m terrified of what I’ll see. I’ll wake up and won't know if it’s real or not. Can’t we help each other?”

Killua pursed his lips, shoulders tense. Time seemed to stretch forever before he breathed out a sigh. He leaned back against his headboard.

“Yes. I will admit... It did help to have you near. But you don’t have to sleep in my bed just so I sleep better-”

But Gon had already jumped out of Killua's bed and began to drag his own bed, connecting it to Killua’s. 

“There. That way you have your own space, but I can still be close if something happens.”

He smiled at a wide-eyed Killua. 

Eventually, he just shook himself and gave a tentative smile. 

“Let’s go to bed Gon.”

He nodded and slipped into bed while Killua shut off the lights and turned to close the blinds.

“Goodnight Killua.”

A pause. 

“Goodnight Gon.”

His heart warmed as he could feel the smile in the silver light’s voice.

Needless to say, that night both men had the most peaceful sleep they’d had in years.

//

After this, Killua and Gon had kept their beds together. Even when they eventually moved to a new place, they wordlessly put their beds together.

And they actually followed through with what they had agreed on.

When Gon’s chest felt like it had stones inside, he’d wake Killua and cry into his shirt. He would rub his back and held Gon as his sobs made his body shake. He’d do this until he was so exhausted he’d fall asleep in Killua’s arms. He’d stop him when he’d wake up and scrub his hands in the bathroom short of bleeding.

Likewise, Killua would wake him. Sometimes Gon told him stories and played with his hair till he fell asleep. Other times he’d hold Killua’s hand because Killua needed proof that he was real and safe. Very rarely Gon would tuck Killua's head into his shoulder and held him tight until his tears dried up.

They never discussed what it was about. Gon had tried, but Killua only shook his head and held on tighter to his shirt, only relaxing when Gon let it go.

It was at the beginning of their second month together when it finally happened.

He was admiring the beds he'd just set up in their latest apartment when he heard Killua’s voice behind him.

“Gon.”

The dark-haired boy looked to his friend, noting the odd tone in his voice.

He tugged something from under his shirt before removing it and handing it to him.

With the Golden Robot now in hand Killua gave him a tight smile, “Let’s talk.”


	10. Cave of Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ROUGH WEEKS IN SCHOOL IM SO SORRY.
> 
> Dialogue-heavy chapter, I hope y'all enjoy this.
> 
> Tell me what you think :D
> 
> Thank you for bearing with me on this work, I'm actually really proud of it, I've never written anything this long.

“You should tell him”

“Tell him what?”

“You know what I mean…”

“How am I supposed to tell him, I don’t exactly know where he’s at. I can’t really send him a letter either. Even if I could, what am I supposed to say? Oh hey Killua! I know we didn’t exactly leave on good terms. Just wanted you to know that I miss you so much I want to cry and by the way, I’m in love with you! Have been the whole time! Hope you're safe! I really hope you’re not straight and this letter scares you away, or better yet, you do like men but are not in any way interested in me! Gon.”

Kite rolled his eyes.

“We both know you’re going to go look for him soon.”

Gon sighed.

“It’s been too long… What if he doesn’t want me by his side…? He’d have good reason to say no to being friends, much less  _ that _ … I don’t even know if he’s, you know…” 

Kite chuckled at that. “Trust me, don’t worry about that last part.”

Gon was at his side at an instant. “What do you mean? Did he tell you something?”

Kite raised an eyebrow at his closeness and Gon stepped back a bit, tugging on the edges of his jacket to avoid Kite’s stare and ignore the heat that was in his cheeks.

“No, but when you reach my age… you notice things.”

“Technically I’m older than you now.”

Kite gave him a look and Gon raised his hands in surrender. 

“Look kid, all I’m saying is… you need to be honest to yourself and to him”

“There could be someone else,” he chuckled weakly and his heart shrunk. He hadn’t meant to say that out loud. He’d thought about it before, but he’d never brought it up. Didn’t want to speak things into reality.

Kite sighed. “That’s always a possibility. But what will you do if there is no one else?”

“I-” Gon looked at his hands. Then looked back at his old mentor. “I can’t lose him, Kite. What if I scare him away? What if-”

“There’s hundreds of what if’s Gon. But you don’t get to decide for him. Whether you’re good enough for him. Whether he can forgive you. Whether he wants to give you a chance. You don’t get to choose for him. And it’s not fair to him. To keep him at arm’s length because you’re afraid that he’ll leave you.”

Gon flinched and Kite backed down a bit, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“Gon, I know you’re afraid of people leaving you. You’ve always prepared for people to leave so keep them far enough away for the pain to be bearable. But that’s not fair to Killua. And most importantly, it’s not fair to yourself Gon. The bravest thing you can do is to let people in, knowing that there will always be a possibility that they can leave you. Because the most wonderful things in life involve risk, you’re a hunter aren't you?”

“Killua’s not a thing to hunt.”

Kite narrowed his eyes. “You know that is not what I meant. There’s so much potential for things to go wrong all the time. But if you are an optimist in every terrible situation you put yourself in, knowing you can get yourself out of it, do the same with your relationships. And I’m not just talking about Killua. You need to be open, stop caging your heart. You might act like a walking ray of sunshine but I know there’s more to it.”

“ _ I’ll tell him _ ,” he mumbled, not wanting to Kite to tell him what he already knew.

“What?”

“I’ll… talk to Killua. Depending on the situation is whether or not I’ll tell him.”

Kite pursed his lips but shrugged at the compromise.

As Kite walked away to put some tea to boil, Gon sighed and flipped himself so that he was dangling off the side of the couch. The world looked better upside down. Maybe that’s what he needed to do. 

_ Turn his world upside down. _

//

The afternoon light cast a golden glow on the town and the green-haired man next to him pointed out and named most of the plants they walked by.

“That one is not native to this region, someone must have brought it over when visiting another country. I hope it’s not invasive.”

Killua could tell Gon was nervous. Though he had always been prone to talk a lot, he had never been this eager to fill the silence. 

It wasn’t that Killua didn’t want to talk to him, he was just stressed by the conversation they were about to have and he was doing his best to list in his head everything he wanted to talk about.

They walked on and on, towards a cave Killua had found days before, close to the ocean and far away enough that no one could hear them. He did not want to be interrupted as they had been before.

As they had traveled for the past month, they had moved locations several times, each time having fun finding new checkout spots. 

There were several times when they had been enjoying each other’s company, joking and talking about anything and everything when the people who owned those buildings came to yell at them for ‘breaking and entering.’

_ Whatever.  _

Now Gon looked inside the cave in wonder, observing the little crystals on the wall that made the cave bright inside. 

Killua gave a small smile as he wasn’t looking, noticing the way Gon put his hair in a little bun, so the longer strands wouldn’t get in his face.

He spun on his heel to look at him and Killua allowed the smile to stay, even though he felt vulnerable having Gon catch him looking at him. 

“Let’s talk well.”

Killua sat on the sandy floor and had his back rest against the cave wall. 

He took the duffel bag Gon had been eying their whole walk over and dumped its contents into the floor.

Snacks of all types fell to the floor, along with little baggies of sandwiches. 

Gon let out a low whistle. 

“Chocolate Robots  _ and _ lunch? Is this my goodbye meal or what?”

He chuckled but rubbed his neck nervously.

Killua felt his anxiety spike. He was still bad at this, so many years later. 

He wished he could pretend he was talking to Alluka or Nanika, he could have done this then. 

_ That’s only because you build up trust and mutual communication, _ a small part of his brain told him, and Killua pursed his lips.

“No, we’re just going to be here for a while, so I brought snacks in case we got hungry.”

Gon relaxed a bit but stared at Killua’s precious chocolates.

He rolled his eyes and threw a box at him, “Just eat some already.”

Gon chuckled and tore the whole top part off before popping some chocolate balls into his mouth, much to Killua’s horror.

“What did you want to talk about?”

He was still giving him the stage, he realized.

Gon was letting him set up how this was to go. 

This warmed his heart and gave him the confidence he needed to ask.

“How long have you been killing?”

Gon’s eyes almost came out of his face from how wide his eyes got. His eyes got dark for a second and the mood was considerably darker when he answered. 

“You know the answer to that. You were there. The armadillo.”

Killua sighed. He was right after all. 

“I mean people.”

Gon rubbed at his temples. Finally, he replied, looking at the floor instead of him.

“About two years ago.”

“Why?”

Now Gon looked at him.

“Because otherwise they would have killed me.”

Killua nodded.

He wanted to know more but he knew that that topic deserved its own night. Killua still had other things to ask.

“How long has Illumi been checking up on you?”

“Since the first day.”

“What?”

“Since the first day on Whale Island.” Gon saw the horror on his face and he continued. “He used to send people every week, but then it turned into every couple of months, that never changed.” 

“How did you know? Did they do anything?”

“No, I don’t think I was supposed to realize what they were. I was nenless after all. I will admit that it took me a while to pin down why they were upsetting me, even though I noticed that something about them was off.” He looked at Killua and gave him a small smile, “no pun intended.”

Seeing the serious look on his face he continued.

“I’ve told you that Whale Island is a stop for travelers, but there tends to be a trend of people who visit.”

“But some people who came… they didn’t seem to be any type of merchant, or traveler, or any type like that. They were stiff and sort of seemed lost when not talking to someone, or being talked to. It finally clicked after a week, when one of them talked to me. They didn’t ask anything special, only whether I liked living on the island and if I had any plans for the summer. Travelers like talking to me so I didn’t think much of it, and at that time I still had loads of work to catch up on so I told him how I wouldn’t have a summer. But when he left, he’d forgotten a hat he was carrying. There were little bits of paper inside which was what first struck me as odd. But the weirdest part was when I ran to catch up to him. He was wearing a long-sleeve even though it was hot. And when he lifted his hand to his face to make a call, that’s when I saw: he had a needle on the inside of his wrist. I don’t know what the paper was about, but that was definitely a needlemen.”

Gon looked at him, but he was speechless. His mind was whirring everywhere. This whole time- 

Illumi had been checking on Gon all these years.

And Kalluto had been keeping tabs on Illumi? 

Why? Were they not working together? Was this an inner mission?

And then there was the other problem. 

They had been together a little over a month. Illumi’s check in with Gon would be soon. He’d start looking for him and start wondering where he had gone. 

_ He’d know.  _

Killua sighed. It didn’t really matter, even if Illumi knew Gon was with him, there was no way Illumi would find Gon if he couldn’t find Killua. 

And they had made sure to take out the needlemen that mattered while leaving the rest. 

Still, it gave him a bad feeling knowing needlemen had always been around Gon, especially when he was so defenseless. Why hadn't Illumi done anything to Gon?

He could’ve just kidnapped Gon and taken him as a hostage.

Forced him to make a choice between Alluka and Gon.

No, Illumi was smart. He knew he’d never forgive him if he did something to Gon.

Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. 

He sent a quick text to Alluka and only started breathing normally when she responded that she was okay, with a selfie of Nanika in the middle of a painting.

He closed his eyes and took a second to breathe. 

“Killua... Can I ask you something?”

Killua hummed trying to calm his mind. 

“Somethings been bugging me.” 

Killua looked at him, curious. 

“How do you know Illumi’s needles don’t all turn people into mindless needlemen?”

Gon’s whole body was facing him and his friend had scooted closer. 

His eyes saw everything, so he didn’t fail to note how Killua hesitated.

He thought back to Alluka and all of the meetings he had gone to. 

_ Don’t run. _

He toed the sand idly. “He put one in me.”

Gon’s whole body went rigid and his eyes flashed with anger. 

“ _ What? _ ”

“I don’t exactly know when, but I had one for years and never knew it. I know it was to control me, to keep me more pliable and forget about Alluka.. but in a twisted way, I think it was Illumi’s way of protecting me. It’s why I couldn’t… Why I couldn’t fight. Why I always ran. I only managed to take it out when we were in Doli city”

Gon stared. And stared. And stared.

“Killua… Why didn’t you tell me.” His voice was so soft he could barely hear.

When Killua didn’t answer, he asked the question Killua most dreaded.

“If it was out by then, why did you make me leave? What happened when you were gone?”

“When?” A foolish question. Killua knew exactly what he was talking about.

“When you wanted to tell the townsfolk that Diego was dead. You told me to stay, that I couldn’t go with you.” His voice cracked but he continued “You said I couldn't call you, that you would handle communication, but then you disappeared for days, and I knew you’d get mad but I called and called and you never answered. Then you say you were in the hospital but didn’t say much else. What happened Killua?”

Killua couldn’t handle the pain and fear that lingered in Gon’s eyes, but he had to look for this part. 

So he finally told him. All these years and he finally told him. Told Gon of Flutter, the beetle-ants he killed, of Ikalgo sniping him. Of the Ortho siblings and how he was turned into a dartboard. How he was bleeding to death in that cave. How if it weren’t for Ikalgo, he would have… he would have died. Alone and in the dark. With no one to know where to find him. No one would even know where to begin to look. 

Killua shivered. That thought had haunted him for so long, yet it never failed to make him feel physically sick.

Gon had gone white as a sheet. He stared at him and his eyes were so, so hollow. Killua began to regret telling him when he was tackled in a hug. 

Killua froze. They didn’t hug. They had never actually full-on hugged. The most they had done were side hugs when Killua swung an arm around his friend for a picture, or more recently, when Killua and Gon would take turns sleeping on the other’s chest after a nightmare drained the tears from them. 

But here was Gon, kneeling in front of him, arms around his neck, sobbing harder than Killua had ever heard.

He was holding him as if he would disappear the second he stopped touching him. 

After getting over the initial shock, Killua began to rub circles on his back. 

He had expected to get yelled at, for Gon to be upset at him for not telling him. 

He’d be justified. Killua didn’t know what he’d do if Gon had done the same to him. At least Killua knew where he was going and what he’d be doing when he went with Pitou. They even had had Palm as a kind of security camera over him. 

What would he have done if Gon were the one to tell him to stay, in the dark and alone, then disappeared for days? 

He didn’t even want to think about it. 

“I’m so sorry.” Gon said between sobs.

Killua stiffened and tried to pull back to see his face but Gon pulled him closer. 

“I'm so sorry” He repeated.

At this point, Killua's shirt was damp from his friend's tears and he was confused.

“Why? I’m the one who didn’t allow you to go. I would’ve noticed you even if you would have tried to follow me and I would have made you go back.”

“You didn’t tell me because- because I was weak. You always try to care for me first. I-”

Killua gently tugged Gon back and this time Gon allowed himself to be pulled back.

The misery and self-hate in his eyes was so obvious, Killua wished he could repair everything within both of them. To make things different. 

“Gon. Just how you went with Pitou by yourself, I’m the one who decided to leave you behind that time. I’m- I’m sorry I never told you. You deserved to know.”

Gon sniffed but tears still welled from his eyes. 

Killua knew Gon didn’t believe him. “Gon… We both made mistakes. Many of them. Terrible ones and little ones, but the worst thing we ever did to each other was to never talk about it, talk about any of it. Let’s change that.”

“Ging said that when apologizing to friends, one should promise to never do it again. I’m so sorry Killua. I promise I won’t be reckless with my life anymore. I’ve learned that people do love and care for me, and it does affect them when I put myself in danger.”

“And I promise I won’t leave you in the dark and try to do everything myself. We listen to each other now. No more will someone’s opinion have more hold than the other. We discuss things until we find a solution. Or nothing happens.”

Gon nodded, a fire in his eyes.

Killua gave him a tentative smile and held out his pinkie. 

Gon laughed through his tears and linked his finger with his before tugging him in for another hug; seemingly still scared that Killua would fall over and die at any second. 

After a few seconds, he pulled back, a slight tint in his cheeks. “Is that okay?” 

“What?”

“Hugging… Can… Can we hug more? Unless you don’t want to, of course, we don’t have to I just-”

Killua rolled his eyes, his own cheeks burning red. 

“Can you stop being embarrassing already?”

Now it was Killua who pulled him into a quick hug. 

Nervous about it, Killua had tugged on the unexpectant Gon a little too rough and their heads bashed together, causing both boys to laugh.

They stayed in each other's arms in silence, both enjoying how the light of dusk reflected light on the gems encrusted on the walls, making it look like they had their own patch of the galaxy, with stars that shone only for them. 

He felt Gon sigh. “This is nice, why haven't we done this before?”

Killua’s heart fluttered at this but he only scoffed. “There’s level’s Freecss, don’t get ahead of yourself.”

Go laughed, a full belly laugh that shook Killua who was still enveloped in his hug.

“Oh yeah? What level is this?”

Killua hummed. “Four.”

“ _ Four _ ?? Out of how many?? You better say Five.”

“Twenty.” 

Gon pulled back and looked at him in fake outrage.

Killua smiled at him and Gon’s face softened.

“Killua… Thank you.”

Now he was surprised. “For what?”

Now Gon was the one who played with the sand under his hands.

“In my nightmares, you… you don’t come for me. I die alone with Pitou by my side. And it’s selfish and terrible of me, but I’m so glad you came Killua. I wanted help. I begged the woods, the sky, the whole damned universe for help. And you came. Like a star racing to me, you came.”

“I should’ve been there sooner.”

“No. The darkness in me was too far. A part of me had been willing to die since we had arrived at the palace, even if Kite had been healed. I- I didn’t want you to see that, to be there to see me like that. I guess it backfired in the end.” Gon laughed bitterly at this, turning his hands into fists.

“I won't lie. I was upset. I was more than upset, I was furious at you. I wanted you to ask for my help. To want me there with you. But I did the same thing to you didn’t I? Even if you didn’t know it at the time. So I guess we were both too immature. Too hurt by our lives and what we’d gone through.” 

Gon thought about this before responding.

“It’s funny because I know exactly what you mean. Why is it that we need to feel needed to be loved? But I don’t want that anymore.” Gon shook his head and looked at him. Really looked. And even though there was a point in their lives where they had spent every hour of the day together, they had never been as close as they had in this moment. 

Killua swore that he could hear their hearts, knew that they were beating at the same time, and even imagined a little string tying them together.

“I don’t need you to need me. I want you to want me there. To be at your side. Because I think although we are amazing as we are, we only get better when we're together. Being away from each other taught me that. I don’t have a piece missing from me. I'm whole. But that doesn’t mean I don't want you there. And my hope is that you want me with you too…”

And Killua swore that he could hear his heartbeat in his ears, swore that the cave echoed what his heart was screaming.

“Yes.” Not being able to hear his own voice he cleared his throat and responded stronger, “Yes, you doofus,” he gently shoved Gon's shoulder and Gon looked at him with a smile so wide it must hurt to hold. Killua raised an eyebrow at him but felt his own smile. “You think I wouldn’t skewer you if I didn’t enjoy your company?” Killua gave him a menacing face.

Gon gasped but laughed and shoved him back. “Oh shut up, Out of everyone I’ve met, Killua has had the biggest heart.”

“Says the bleeding heart.”

Gon scoffed. “Says the one who dedicated his life taking care of his sisters.”

Killua rolled his eyes but stopped breathing when he looked back at Gon.

_ When had they gotten so close? _

The shimmer of the walls made him look radiant. At some point, most likely when Gon had cried on his shoulders, the little strap of leather that had been used to bind his hair had come undone. Now his hair was in downward spikes and so looked as smooth as silk.

Absentmindedly Killua reached out and touched his hair. 

Killua heard Gon’s breath catch and was about to pull away when he noticed that Gon had shut his eyes and was leaning towards his palm, a silent gesture of approval. 

His hair was thicker than he expected, but still the softest Killua had ever touched. 

He’d never touched Gon’s hair he realized.

The man in front of him seemed about ready to purr when Killua ran his hands through his hair, lightly scratching his scalp.

It was Killua’s turn to pause as Gon opened his eyes and looked at him with so much emotion, Killua felt himself blush once more. It almost seemed like a sort of fondness… and something else he couldn’t place. 

He realized what it was a second later. Their breath mixed from their closeness and his heart was leaping in his chest.

“Killua…”

And his name sounded so beautiful coming from his mouth. He could only hum in response, not wanting to back away as they both searched each other’s eyes.

“Can I kiss you?”

He must be dreaming. This wasn’t real. Another dream of a different world. But if it was, then he was going to enjoy this. He would be selfish, just this once, he’d do what he wanted instead of thinking himself out of it.

Killua didn’t respond.

He only leaned forward and pressed his lips against Gon’s.

They were soft and warm, and he felt as if there were fireworks in his chest. 

Gon was still for a second before he kissed him back. 

It was gentle and full of things they were still too scared to say. 

Gon was the one to pull back first. 

He had stars for eyes but he was the one who looked at him as if he’d shown him the beauties of the universe.

“Killua you’re amazing.” 

The awe in his voice made him want the ground to swallow him from embarrassment. 

“Shut up, it was just a kiss.” He said, lightly shoving Gon once more.

He only laughed quietly and continued to look at him.

“I love you Killua.”

Killua’s head snapped up to look at him, knowing he  _ must have misheard _ . 

But the shock on Gon’s face told him that he hadn’t imagined it.

“I’m so sorry, I- I don’t know if that kiss actually meant something to you, I didn’t want to assume, Kite just told me I had to be honest and I was so happy and  _ fuck _ , I’m so sorry Killua, I, I’ll just go-”

Killua’s mind was going at a million miles per hour. He didn't know if he was more surprised that Gon had just told him he loved him or that he had cussed. Or that the idiot didn’t believe he’d love him just as much. 

Killua didn’t even give him time to stand, he pulled on his hand to keep him on the floor. 

Gon stared at the floor, obviously uneasy. Killua lifted his chin with his finger and searched his eyes as Gon did the same.

“Say it again.”

Though his cheeks were still warm from embarrassment, he squared his shoulders as if readying himself for battle, honesty seeming to radiate from him even as he looked at him in defiance.

“I love you Killua Zoldyck. I have since I went to go look for you at Kukuroo Mountain. I didn’t admit it to myself until Greed Island, couldn’t think of it after Kite, even though it was still there. My heart has always looked to your light, you’ve always been so amazing, so bright. So caring and brave. I’ll love you forever. In this life and any that follow. Because I’d always recognize your soul. I know it. But if it’s not what you want, then being your friend would be enough for me. Though- though if you don't want to be friends I- can respect that too.” 

Killua wanted to laugh. How had they been so blind?

Killua put his hands on his face, though he left slits for him to see Gon. 

He couldn’t believe it. This was a dream.

No way was he sitting in this beautiful cave with Gon Freecss, declaring his love for him while he was surrounded by snacks and the wrath of his lips still on his own. No way was Gon sitting in front of him looking prepared to have his heart broken _ by him _ . 

Killua couldn’t help it. He laughed. And he sounded insane to his own ears but he really couldn’t believe it. 

Now Gon looked worried.

“Killua, really it's okay-”

After getting the rest of the laugher out of his system Killua simply grabbed Gon by his stupid jacket and pulled him in, the smile on his face making it hard to kiss him. 

After his surprise had passed, Gon relaxed under his touch and melted into the kiss. 

It was sweet as honey and  _ there was no way this was happening.  _

This time, it was Killua who pulled away, leaning their foreheads together so they could look into each other’s eyes.

He forgot how much shorter he was. Killua had to lean down to meet him.

“Gon Freecss you are the biggest idiot I have ever met in my life.”

Gon tried to pull away, incredulous, but Killua gently draped his arms around him and he stilled. 

“I love you. I love you. I love you, and you’re blind if you haven’t realized it by now. I think every person we met knew I was completely in love with you.”

Gon was silent, but his eyes were soft and that's what it was. Even if he didn’t believe it, it was love that shone in Gon’s eyes.

Then he gave a tentative smile. “So you do want me at your side…?”

“No.”

Gon’s face immediately fell and Killua laughed, enveloping him in a hug. Gon was right. This was nice. Now that this happened, he didn’t think he could ever stop. Why hadn’t they hugged before?

“Killuaaaaa” Gon whined his name, relief clear in his voice. “That’s not nice you know.” 

He only laughed, the smile on his face ready to split him apart.

This time, when Gon said his name, it was kind but firm, causing the silver-haired man to look at him.

“I don’t want to die to prove my love anymore. Killua… I want to live, I want to live for me, so I get to spend as much time as I can with you. Let’s live Killua, not just survive.” 

Killua smiled and pulled him into another kiss. “Let’s live Gon.”


End file.
